And By The Way

Homemade Teriyaki Sauce

2011-12-29T21:47:00.000-08:00

I baked some chicken thighs with this sauce, basting it every 10 minutes for an hour. I served it with some white rice. (everyone liked it)

Homemade Teriyaki Sauce

2 tablespoon cornstarch

2 tablespoon cold water

1 cup white sugar

1 cup soy sauce

1/2 cup apple cider vinegar

lots of minced garlic

1 teaspoon fresh ginger

black pepper

red pepper flakes (to taste)

In a small saucepan over low heat, combine the cornstarch, cold water, sugar, soy sauce, vinegar, garlic, ginger and ground black pepper. Let simmer, stirring frequently, until sauce thickens and bubbles.

Experimentation

2011-12-22T16:44:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I just have no idea what to cook for dinner and I really don't want to just make spaghetti. (my solution to not knowing what to make for dinner)

Tonight the kids and I went to the fridge and found LOTS of little containers of things that weren't enough to really use in anything. Since I hate wasting such yummy ingredients we decided to put it all together. We had a Panini-Themed Party the other day, and we just had little bits of stuff leftover.

Here is what we came up with.....

Layer of raw sliced potatoes, lightly salted
Can of Rotel
Black Olives
Tiny bit of Parmesan, Artichoke Hearts, and Spinach
Roasted Red Peppers
Leftover Dark Meat from our Turkey (chopped)
15 Whole Roasted Garlic Cloves
Spread a container of Savory Garlic Philadelphia Cooking Sauce
Layered 5 Italian Sausage Links

Last but not least.....placed a layer of pizza dough on top with some butter and seasonings spread on top.

Baked at 350 degrees for an hour.

It's not necessarily anything to brag about, but it's the fact that experimenting with ingredients can be fun! AND since the kids helped throw it all together….they liked it.

Double Chocolate Peppermint Surprise

2011-12-12T13:56:00.000-08:00

Ingredients

1 1/2 cups flour
1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/4 cup light brown sugar
1 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. baking soda1
1/2 sticks (6 oz.) unsalted butter, slightly softened
1 egg
24 miniature (about 1 1/2-inch) peppermint patties, such as York, unwrapped and chilled
6 oz. white chocolate (not chips) chopped
Peppermint candy canes or candies, crushed or finely chopped

Directions

Using an electric mixer, beat the flour, cocoa powder, both sugars, salt and baking soda on low speed. Beat in the butter, then the egg. Turn out the dough onto a large piece of plastic wrap and flatten into a disk; seal. Refrigerate until firm, about 1 hour.

Preheat the oven to 350°. Line 2 large cookie sheets with parchment. Working with 1 tbsp. of dough at a time, use your fingers to evenly encase each peppermint patty with dough. Place on the prepared pans and smooth the dough with your fingers. Bake, switching the pans halfway through, until just firm to the touch, about 15 minutes. Remove the pans from the oven and let cool slightly. Transfer the cookies on the parchment to a rack to cool completely.

Meanwhile, in a double boiler or small, heatproof bowl set over a small saucepan of simmering water, melt half of the white chocolate, stirring until melted. Remove from the heat and stir in the remaining white chocolate until smooth. Using a large spoon, drizzle the white chocolate over the cookies. Sprinkle immediately with the crushed peppermint candies. Let set completely before serving or storing.

A Thirsty Crow

2011-12-06T07:50:00.000-08:00

*Jael was given a reading assignment to write from the Crow's point of view, in a popular children's folk tale about a crow who was thirsty and dropped rocks into a pitcher to get the water to rise so she could drink. Here is her perspective on the crow.

A Thirsty Crow

by Jael Abdelaziz

I am so thirsty! I have had no water to drink for a long time. If I do not find some water soon, I shall die.

There is a pitcher, perhaps I can get some water. I will now fly to the pitcher sitting on the windowsill. From here it looks very full. Good-bye, perfect birdy friends.

I am now at the windowsill and I am thirstier than ever. The water is low. I can’t reach the water!

I will try to break it open with great force. My beak is very strong. Bang, bang, bang. O no, the woman inside is coming with a broom. Swish, swish, shoo. Flap, flap, flap. Whoo, that was close.

Now, I will try to tip it over. I hope this is easier. Ugh, ugh, ugh! I must tip it over. O dear, hear comes the boy with his strong toy airplane. Flap, flap, flap! Clang! The window broke.

I have one more chance. I have gathered many rocks. Drop 1, drop 2, drop 3.….so many rocks….drop 4, drop 5, drop 6. I must stop counting.

The water us up! Gulp, gulp, gulp. Refreshing! Bye-bye, woman and boy, bye-bye.

~December 2011

Christmas Surprise

2010-12-25T12:05:00.000-08:00

Stockings

2010-12-18T09:02:00.000-08:00

I didn't grow up with a stocking full of things......in fact, I don't remember ever having my stocking as a big part of our Christmas celebration, but I married a man who was used to having his stocking filled. Obviously, he would want to pass that tradition on to our children but with 5 it can be hard to come up with ideas and ways to make it interesting and carry a theme. I am not necessarily a parent that feels things need to be even, but I also don't want my children to feel that one person is "highly favored" above another. (Daja is actually the one who used this tradition first....)

“Something to eat, something to read, something to play with and something they need.” -Victorian poem

What to put in a Christmas stocking is a dilemma that many parents face as the holidays draw near. Small, inexpensive gifts make the best stocking stuffers. However, it is often hard to find the right balance of things. (at least for me)

Something to Eat

Traditionally, an orange and walnuts were used to fill Christmas stockings. Now many people opt for fun Christmas candy and treats. Or use your child’s favorite prepackaged snack foods. We change every year, depending on what we know our children like at that time.

Individual serving size boxes of sugary cereals, such as Fruit Loops, also make a convenient stocking stuffer. They seem like an extra special treat when sugary cereals are not eaten throughout the year. Cereal has the added benefit of being a quick breakfast that eager children can eat without help while their parents try to sneak a few more minutes of sleep. This is always the easiest category to buy my children, as "treats" are a bit more rare. I could get them a carton of raspberries and they would be thrilled. My children are so easy to please.

Something to Read

One or two books help fill out a holiday stocking nicely and are appropriate for all ages. Choose books that are small enough to fit in a stocking. Board books are available for baby and toddler stockings. Paperback picture books and chapter books are a good choice for older children. We have done Bibles when the kids get older. So, the prices for each item are NEVER the same for each child, but the theme is the same. I already have the "something to read" for this year.....phew!

Something to Play With

The options for something to play with are almost endless. The only limiting factor is the size. Toys purchased to fill a holiday stocking need to be small enough to fit inside. Small stuffed animals, travel-sized games and play-doh are some ideas for younger children. Older children may like a game to go with their current gaming system, small Lego kits, or art supplies. For less expensive options, visit a dollar store or discount store. This is my main reason for loving this poem, as it fits with EVERY stage of my life.

Something They Need

Again, there are a variety of options here. Anything from lip balm to new gloves or mittens could fill the need, whatever it may be. Even a new toothbrush or better yet an electric toothbrush that has favorite characters. Older children may need new health and beauty products, like deodorant, nail polish or perfume. This year Jael will be getting an alarm clock; she has been using mine. I got a nice pretty pink one, so it doesn't have to be toiletries. I haven't figured out the boys' stuff yet?

While the ideas given were for children’s stockings, the method could easily be used to fill an adult’s Christmas stocking. I have often been at a loss of what to get Josh in his stocking, so I go the same route, and I just use it as an "idea starter!"

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

What kind of nest?

2010-12-17T09:46:00.000-08:00

My Josh took this off the side of our house; it was fascinating. Before the cold came Josh says that bees were on the nest, but it looks very similar to a paper wasp nest. AND we have had a few wasps in the house?! I am not sure if I will ever now, but it does not change the fact that God's creatures are so talented!

School Project

2010-12-16T14:55:00.000-08:00

Honest, I could pour so much money into making my school room so fun and colorful, but I am using what I have....at the moment, and I am liking it. I think, gradually, I can change some things to make it more appealing. BUT the kids ADORE just the few changes, which only makes it more fun.

About a month ago our landlord was making a trip to the dump with all of the miscellaneous things that he has around the property, and he offered to take our broken dryer, too! (such a blessing, in itself) As he was about to leave he came knocking on the door. He thought maybe he had something I would be interested in, and he didn't want to take it to the dump if I did.....

Oh, yes, I definitely wanted them!!!

4 old school desks...the blue chair was from Jael's room (it's Levi's desk chair)

I had some material from curtains that did NOT fit the LONG windows.

AND, of course, the two panels were not the same width.

Cutting and Sewing

And more cutting......

And pinning (plus a lesson in photography for Jael)

AND my man was so helpful in installing the curtain rods and changing the maps and wipe-off boards, to my liking....he is FABULOUS....you SHOULD be jealous! The desks were in bad shape; one didn't even have the seat on it. He cut out a piece for the top of one desk, doing a fantastic job making the desks clean and useable.

NOT half bad for a fast fix...I had to do something, because the windows cause a major distraction for the boys, especially.

The Christmas Bell

2010-12-07T07:52:00.000-08:00

     There was once a little boy who was blind. One day he was sitting on a big stone at the edge of the road, quietly resting. He really didn't have anything to do or anywhere to go or anyone to lead him that wintry afternoon. His little playmates had gone off to explore a cave and didn't want to take him because he might get hurt. His parents wouldn't be coming home from their work for another hour or two, but he didn't mind.
     Because he couldn't see, the little boy had learned to listen very carefully to everything around him. His ears could tell him what was happening. He liked sitting by the road and hearing the footsteps going by. He liked to listen and wonder who was passing and where they were going. It was a game he played alone.
     But today the footsteps didn't sound like they did on ordinary days. There were many more than usual and they seemed to be hurrying and all going in one direction. There was excitement in the air as if something strange and mystical had happened.
    The little boy grew curious. He tried to hear what the hurrying persons were saying.
    "The shepherds saw a great light and heard hundreds of voices singing praises to God!"
    "An angel told them to go into Bethlehem and find a baby, wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger!"
    "Half of the shepherds are staying with the sheep and we are going to find the Baby."
     All these things he heard.
    "Oh, I want to go, too!" Please take me with you," cried the little boy, but no one heard. "Please, someone, please show me the way! I want to find the Christ child and worship him, too!" he called out, over and over. But the crowd was so eager to find the Baby in the manger that no one stopped to listen to the boy. No one noticed the little boy who couldn't see, seated on a stone as the edge of the road.
    Most of the crowd passed by and everything grew quiet. Then the little boy heard a faint tinkling sound. It sounded again. He listened with his very keen ears. It sounded like a bell! Yes, it was a bell, the kind sheep and cows wear around their necks to tell the shepherd where they are.
    "Maybe the bell is on a cow or a sheep in the the stable where the Baby is," he thought.
     Slipping carefully down from the rock, the little boy walked slowly toward the sound of the bell. Sometimes he had to stop and listen until the bell rang again, and then he would follow it farther.
    It wasn't long before he found himself in the stable, standing beside the animal with the tinkling bell. He reached his hands and felt the animal all over. It was a big, kind cow. When the cow felt the hands of the boy around her neck, she nudged him over to the place where the baby Jesus was sleeping in the manger. Then the little boy knelt down and reached out to touch the Christ child and bless him with his prayer. "Thanks for the kind, big cow and her bell, which helped me find the way," he prayed.
    Bells have always rung out the glad tidings of Christ's birth. By the Middle Ages, around the years 800 to 1200, the pealing of bells was the main event of the Christmas celebration. In Italy, it is traditional to wait for the bells to chime before lighting the candles and beginning the festivities.
    The bells that ring out from every tower and steeple all over the world tell the message of God's love coming down to earth on Christmas Day.

                                                                                                                                ~Author Unknown

*dedicated to a family who cherishes the sound of Christmas bells, as their son first heard the sound of bells only after he received the amazing gift of hearing with cochlear implants

Saint Nicholas Day

2010-12-06T12:42:00.000-08:00

A real-life bishop in what is now Turkey, Saint Nicholas earned his sainthood for numerous miracles, but his neighbors knew him best as a kind and generous man with a great fondness for children. Today, in many parts of the world Saint Nicholas delivers gifts on the eve of his Feast Day, December 6, and Christmas is reserved for the religious observance of Christ's birth.

The New York Historical Society held its first St. Nicholas anniversary dinner on December 6, 1810. John Pintard commissioned artist Alexander Anderson to create the first American image of Nicholas for the occasion. Nicholas was shown in a gift-giving role with children's treats in stockings hanging at a fireplace.

My children may not have many gifts to open this Christmas, and I am actually NOT sad about this in the LEAST bit. We are SO blessed!!! I have always known that Saint Nicholas was the real inspiration for the modern day Santa Claus, but I did NOT realize until this year that December 6th was the actual Feast Day.

Levi's godparents sent him a package to open--for today ONLY. So, I had to do my research. I love the idea!! AND I am going to try and come up with some things for next year....like planning a FEAST and having it as a CHRISTMAS party for friends. I love for things to have deeper meaning.

Thank you, to the Plowman's, for teaching my family about the significance of December 6th!

Happy St. Nicholas Day!

Angels We Have Heard On High

2010-12-05T19:19:00.000-08:00

EARLY Sunday morning performance

Getting ready

8:30 Service

Waiting for the 10:30 service

Radiant Dancer

Messy

2010-12-04T08:50:00.000-08:00

I really do fix Shallah's hair in the mornings...even manage to get a bow in, once in a while. BUT by the end of the day and after a couple of naps......I get this! AND, I absolutely adore it. She is SO cute, so it's okay, right?

I just love her....messy hair and dirty face!

Just Wrong

2010-12-03T17:39:00.000-08:00

It just FEELS wrong that you can take something healthy and make it so unhealthy!

Didn't somone once say that you shoudn't go by feelings?

Oh, yes...that MUST be used in this instance.

Deep-Fried Cauliflower

Does it help that I made Lemon-Artichoke Chicken?

My plate has never looked so "brown!"

Spaghetti and Sausage

2010-12-01T16:49:00.000-08:00

It seems so boring.....doesn't it? JUST SPAGHETTI? But, wait! When it includes company......it tastes SO much better. We got a call yesterday from some dear friends asking if they could come over for dinner. I decided to do the "unthinkable" and serve what I was already planning. With only 2 hours to finish everything......I realized in the middle of mixing brownies that I had NO eggs!!! Good friends that invite themselves over for dinner are also the type to bring eggs!!

Hospitality doesn't have to have a lot of planning, and I aboslutely LOVE that about my life. I LOVE being spontaneous!!!

If they had asked to come for dinner tonight....the meal would have been much better, but I am proud to say that I just had company and didn't stress about it. Not one person complained about spaghetti for dinner, so it doesn't have to be a "fancy" meal to have company, and it was actually very cheap. Even cheaper if you forget the eggs....and have to call your guests to bring them!

Try having someone over, even if it seems busy, it shows you care!

I wonder who's coming for dinner tonight?

Chicken and Sausage Etouffee

Giving Thanks - Day Twenty-Nine

2010-11-29T09:11:00.000-08:00

The Dance Ministry of Resurrection Fellowship

“Let them Praise His name with dancing” ~Psalm 149:3

Dance is a beautiful and powerful expression of praise to the Lord. Rez Dance Ministry is designed to train up dancing worshippers of Jesus. Classes are free for those who attend Rez. Jael is taught the technical skills intended to move with excellence and grace. Most importantly, students she is taught to glorify God with her body, to worship Him with her whole heart, and to praise Jesus unashamedly with joy and thanksgiving.

Jael's first performance will be next weekend; she performs three times. The production has over 300 people involved; it will be an experience she never forgets. It will touch lives and hearts.

Our God is a dancing God! Zephaniah 3:17 says,

“The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with his love, He will dance over you with singing.”

Rez Dance is a part of the Worship Arts Ministry of Resurrection Fellowship Church in Loveland, Colorado.

Giving Thanks - Day Twenty-Eight

2010-11-28T07:52:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving Leftovers

What are your favorites?

These seem to be the ones we use YEAR after YEAR.....

One of my favorites....soup made with the bones of a turkey.

Pancakes made with leftoever Potatoes

Turkey Sandwiches

Turkey Pot Pie

Giving Thanks - Day Twenty-Seven

2010-11-27T08:47:00.000-08:00

"See you later" is SO much better than "Good-bye....not sure when we will see you next!"

Saying good-bye is never a fun thing. I am glad that I know I will see some of you in heaven even if I never see you on this earth again. See you later can be so much bigger in it's meaning, depending on it's reference. Will I see you later? Will you be in heaven with me?

Do you know the Savior of the WORLD?
He died for you and me to enjoy eternal life. He died for our sins, no matter how great or small. Please, don't let another moment pass.....I definitely want to "see you later!"

Giving Thanks - Day Twenty-Six

2010-11-27T08:42:00.000-08:00

Late night shopping with my mom.....kid-free! IF only I could get her to enjoy shopping like I do?

Oh, and coffee stops....I have enjoyed those this week, too! Having my mom here has been a blast. I will miss her....

Giving Thanks - Day Twenty-Five

2010-11-25T17:35:00.000-08:00

Celebration...the fun times, games, food, and LAUGHS that the holiday brings.....

Giving Thanks - Day Twenty-Four

2010-11-24T14:29:00.000-08:00

HELPERS

My children are always running to my rescue in the kitchen......running to grab an apron, as THAT is definitely the sign of a "helper" in the kitchen.

Okay, some are NOT helping, but their smiles certainly help me keep going.

Giving Thanks - Twenty-Three

2010-11-24T14:18:00.000-08:00

Giving Thanks - Day Twenty-Two

2010-11-22T07:15:00.000-08:00

I am so thankful for SLEEP. SLEEP is an amazing gift. Most of the time I don't struggle at all to sleep, and I have found that the times I do--it's something SO much deeper.

"I remember thee upon my bed, and meditate on thee in the night watches." Psalm 63:6

"At midnight I will rise to give thanks unto thee be cause of thy righteous judgments." Psalm 119:62

"My eyes are awake before the watches of the night, that I may meditate on your promises." Psalm 119:148

"Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labour in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep." Psalm 127:1-2

"He who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you — the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm — he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and for evermore." Psalm 121:4-8

"When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet." Psalm 74:16

"The sleep of a labourer is sweet, whether he eats little or much, but the abundance of a rich man permits him no sleep." Proverbs 3:24

So often we hear those prayers of old times that when our eyes are closed in sleep, that we ask God for extra protection. It is the prayer that God may dwell with us and in us even when we are unconscious of his presence, that he may keep our hearts pure and holy in spite of all the cares and temptations of the night, to make our hearts ever alert to his call and, like the boy Samuel, answer him even in the night with: Even in sleep God can perform his wonders upon us or evil bring us to destruction. May my heart be right in day or night, that my sleep may be sweet.

When our eyes with sleep are girt, Be our hearts to thee alert; Shield us, Lord, with thy right arm, Save us from sin’s dreadful harm. (Martin Luther)

I think back over the time when Josh was gone, and I slept.....oh, I battled during the day, and SOMETIMES I awoke in the night. BUT....the fruitfulness of labor allows for sweet sleep. Last night I slept AMAZINGLY, I am energized and ready to take on the fight. Satan wants to steal your sleep, because then you will be too tired to fight.

I am so thankful for SWEET SLEEP!

Giving Thanks - Day Twenty-One

2010-11-21T23:00:00.000-08:00

PRAYER!!!!!!!!

Josh and I entered into a huge spiritual battle on Saturday night, hand in hand, knees bent......and we will continue to fight as long as it takes. As soon as we realized what we were getting into, the texts and phone calls started to family and friends----TO PRAY!!!

I cannot imagine doing anything different than fighting a battle worth fighting, but I can also NOT imagine fighting it without HUGE AMOUNTS OF PRAYER!

Giving Thanks - Day Twenty

2010-11-20T08:47:00.000-08:00

Pets

*I wish I could find pictures of all of my past pets, too! I think my photo albums need to be cleaned up.

Giving Thanks - Day Nineteen

2010-11-19T08:09:00.000-08:00

I am so thankful for Josh's group of guy friends.....a few of them were extremely influential to Josh's RECOVERY and restoration back home. They are a band of brothers, helping each other during those difficult days, months, seasons, and sometimes MOMENTS. ONE in particular seems to do a lot more checking up on him......thanks, Dan! You are a true friend to Josh, and I am thrilled he has a Godly man continually watching his back. AND you are always good for a laugh.

AND I have received a DOUBLE portion blessing, because your wife is AMAZING! Every couple knows that a relationship is so much better when BOTH spouses get along. Thank you for coming to our vow renewal and investing more time into our lives. We will never forget it.

INTERRUPTION

2010-11-18T10:39:00.000-08:00

Okay, well, it COULD be a thankful post....since I just REALLY, REALLY like coffee. BUT we will call it an interruption. Grab your friends and head to your local Starbucks, from 2-5 PM, where you Buy 1 Holiday Drink and Get 1 Free. The promotion runs from November 18th-November 21st. You’ll be able to choose from Caramel Brulee Latte, Peppermint Mocha, Peppermint White Chocolate Mocha, Peppermint Hot Chocolate, Gingerbread Latte, Eggnog Latte, Caramel Brulee Frappuccino blended beverage, Peppermint Mocha Frappuccino blended beverage. Oh, Yumm!!

AND since you will be thoroughly addicted by then......Starbucks has an upcoming “12 Days of Sharing” promo! Just text 12DAYS to 29943 to sign up. You will receive one offer per day starting on December 1st. Now to see what these offers will be…

Certainly hope you didn't mind my interruption......MMMM!!!

Giving Thanks - Day Eighteen

2010-11-18T07:20:00.000-08:00

I get to homeschool, and I am so thankful for it. I learn with my children, and I learn more each day. In the beginning, when you give birth and begin educating your children you forget that you are really homeschooling them. You teach them to crawl, to walk, and to say “please and thank you.” You take the child in your lap and read to them, sing to them, and play with them. They grow in wisdom and stature. Then comes more children, at least for me! I am educating them as well. BUT THEN....."that" time came.

I had to really homeschool now. My thoughts on homeschooling have evolved over the last few years. I just knew that I could not fail. Of course, I would NEED to have a house with an extra room. I NEED special desks. And by the way, I was just given desks, that have to be refurbished, and I have a big white board for the wall. I still need to get that set of bookshelves that every homeschooler is supposed to have. I have an amazing closet that houses all the textbooks. I put posters on the walls. It's official; I am a "real homeschooler" now. I NOW will NOT be a failure. THOSE were my thoughts, at first.
My dream for that special school room: Each day the children would march into the little room at the end of the house. It's going to have chalkboard paint, maybe some dry eraser paint. The children would begin with prayer. Then they would say the Pledge of Allegiance. The mommy even purchased a nice denim jumper with cute appliqués. Oh, wait...... Haha....no, I do not have a jumper. But you get the picture, I have this idea in my head of how it should be.
Over the years, only the past three, actually......I began reading more books on child training. Obviously my children weren’t trained well enough. I even considered starting them on a strict diet of discipline and proper nutrition. Still something seemed amiss. I remember the year I was pregnant with Shallah, I was not feeling well. I was exhausted and sometimes nauseated. Unable to perform all of my schoolmarm duties.

The children weren't bothered by it as much as I was bothered. In fact, they enjoyed the time spent curled up on the couch, reading a story. (maybe a flashback) As we took a break from the regular school lessons I noticed more of a peace. Naturally the home-school mom perks up a bit. After a while, Levi was asleep, Abishai and Ezekeiel are playing with Legos in the corner of the room. And Jael is drawing now?

Or how about the year living with my in-laws (thank you), that year provided it's own share of difficulties. And again, the kids were only bothered a bit.

Even since moving into this house with my own school room I really thought it might go back to my vision of "real homeschooling!" Even though we have only been here a month, the table that was once in the schoolroom is removed and in the dining room, now. Learning takes place in various locations around the house. Learning is NOT and DOES not have to be such a stress. My lesson plans are now only done a week in advance, unlike my original YEAR IN ADVANCE. I still use a curriculum to keep me on track, but I have learned to relax. As time goes on, I am sure that I will have to relax more, as I am only homeschooling two of the five with a regular schedule. We start with breakfast, and it's all downhill from there. Some days we get done quickly, others it seems to take all day.....if we have that unexpected visit from a friend, well, we know we can catch up later.

I am so thankful to be given this responsibility. I am so thankful that I am given the right to teach my children. My main goal is to teach my children to have a deep love for learning and shout for joy when they hear Mom say, “Time to read!” If I manage to instill a love for learning, THEN I am a successful homeschooler.

Giving Thanks - Day Seventeen

2010-11-17T23:55:00.000-08:00

It's old; it may even be considered a bit unsafe.....but it keeps my dining room VERY warm, and I love it!

Giving Thanks - Day Sixteen

2010-11-16T13:37:00.000-08:00

Facebook

I am so thankful for a way to connect with friends, to make new friends, to connect with long-distance family. In this busy world it seems that we are rushing from one thing to the next. I definitely enjoy writing a letter or two, but I sometimes find it hard to get to the post office. I have three letters my children have written, and they STILL aren't mailed. *sigh* I go to town, but it's hard to bring all five kids into the post office. I should definitely see how much it costs to get them in the ATM. Our world has so many ways to stay connected. I happen to like MOST of them. I am not a huge fan of the telephone, however. Maybe this is because of 5 children ALWAYS needing my attention, and it gets too noisy.

With Facebook I can keep it open on my desktop. I can get a message from someone, and I don't have to answer it until I am free. I love it. I met two new families this month, and I have enjoyed getting to know their lives. I got caught up on the last 5 years of one families life, just in an afternoon of reading her notes and blogs. And, yes, I get to have the other family over for dinner tonight. (last week I had the other family over) I sure will miss Facebook while I am taking a break, and I guess I need to decide if the Pros outweigh the Cons. Sometimes you can get hurt, by people's words. BUT, then again, I have been hurt numerous times by people IN PERSON, too! So, it boils down to people will be people--Facebook or not! At this point, I need to decide if I like being vulnerable to words of hurt by friends AND family.

I have been misunderstood so many times on Facebook. People assuming that my husband is not taking care of us. People thinking that if I get a haircut, or a pedicure, or an eyebrow wax that somehow I am a bad with finances. Some stuff I do not post on Facebook, only because it can be taken wrong. Some things I am shocked to hear about later. The list goes on and on.....BUT is that MY problem or theirs?

I have taken a break from Facebook to answer all of these questions, for myself. I do not use Facebook to just be nosey about people's lives. I will miss it. AND I am sure I won't be gone long. Although we make jokes about peoples shoes, what store they go to, what they had for lunch....I personally, like it. I get to know the person by what the like, do, and say. When you rant about the cinnamon roll you are eating, I KNOW that I want to make you one. WHEN you post pictures of cupcakes, well, that's a clue into what YOU like. I know so many people have negative things to say about Facebook, but I tend to love it. AND, no, I don't play games. I use it a socialization tool; I really do connect with people. AND I do learn who my friends are, because even family can't always help you when you move out of town, but you know which ones would if they could. I have about 200 friends, at least half are family....and most of them say nothing to me. I would say that the "friends" on my list really are my friends. Right, guys?

I have had e-mails from a few people already today, and I feel loved. AND I know I will be missed. My Swagbucks and my Blog Posts will still come through which means you will all be thinking about me. LOVE YOU!! Thanks to my friends who make me THANKFUL for FACEBOOK!!!

Giving Thanks - Day Fifteen

2010-11-15T09:56:00.000-08:00

I am so thankful for the miracle that happened 3 years ago, at this exact moment in time! I got that amazing, breath-taking phone call that said, "Is it too late to come home? Can we work it out?" That moment began the beginning of our walk with God in a way that can only be explained as miraculous. Josh and I have climbed mountains and scaled walls, but we are FINALLY doing it together. Three years ago God brought my miracle to my doorstep and back into my life where he belonged. He walked into my heart 11 years ago. My life has never been the same, and I can't even imagine how much better it's going to get.

THE PRODIGAL DOES COME HOME!!! ARE YOU READY FOR HIM/HER?

This evening of rock-climbing was nothing compared to what we have done together, but it was an awesome reminder of how far we have come. You were at the bottom helping me see where I could climb higher. Thank you! There will be more mountains to climb and walls to scale......but it's okay we know where God is taking us.
Thanks, Josh for "doing life" with me! I love you!

Giving Thanks - Day Fourteen

2010-11-14T22:55:00.000-08:00

I love that my children's imagination is ALIVE and HEALTHY. I don't remember being as creative as they are? For Ezekiel's birthday Jael and Abishai really wanted to make him a present, so they thought and thought about what to give him. Jael remembered she had some little pieces of wood she had picked up at a craft fair, and they set to work. Jael and Abishai purchased the super glue with their own money (Mommy and Daddy helped a tiny bit.) since they wanted it to be from them. THIS is what they came up with!!!

Isn't he a cute surfer?

Giving Thanks - Day Thirteen

2010-11-14T22:48:00.000-08:00

PAYDAY!!!!

My husband is an awesome provider......I know I have said it so many times!

He brings home a paycheck, and we JUMP for joy.

Bills are paid, refrigerator is full.....and we celebrate!!

It's a WONDERFUL thing to WORK!

Giving Thanks-Day Twelve

2010-11-12T22:41:00.000-08:00

Snow! I love living in a place where I can enjoy seasons, and I do enjoy WINTER!

Giving Thanks - Day Eleven

2010-11-11T09:23:00.000-08:00

There simply aren't enough words or strong enough words to show our appreciation for those of you whom have made incredible sacrifices out of love for and devotion to this country. You fought to defend our freedom and have done far more than swear your allegiance; you have literally put your lives on the line. Many have given their lives or suffered in untold ways, so that we could live soundly and safely in our homes. We will never forget what you have done for us; we honor you now and always.

Veteran's Day

by Roger W Hancock

We honor you, who fought for us,

for country’s sake of freedom’s plight.

You kept the greatest country great,

by sacrifice of you who served.

Honor to military, soldiers served.

There seems no risk in peace to serve.

When war breaks the silent peace,

no peace when security cease.

Sacrifice of civilian life,

careers succumb to enlist, or draft.

Families wait in fear, in prayer,

for loved ones return alive, not dead.

Returned Heroes and those deceased,

we honor, thank, though insufficient.

Parades, programs, our pride convey,

we honor you on Veterans Day.

Giving Thanks - Day Ten

2010-11-10T20:25:00.000-08:00

Imagine having access to water only once a week. What would that mean for your health?

It can mean contracting a potentially fatal disease. The river can be far from my home. When you get to use it for cooking, thousands of mosquitoes are around the buckets.

Mosquitoes are attracted to the stagnant water and rapidly proliferate in such conditions. Far from harmless, they’re spreading malaria throughout communities. Clean water is helping stop the spread of disease.

I am thrilled to be a part of P&G’s GIVE HEALTH Clean Water Blogivation. Proctor and Gamble is doing something fabulous that each of you can take part in! You can enter your email in the widget above (or in my right sidebar) and P&G will donate one day of clean drinking water to developing countries in need!!! Please make sure you check your email to verify your click!

They will also donate a day of clean drinking water each time you click the “Share” button on the widget to help spread the word! How great is that?? It’s fantastic to be able to snag freebies here and there but being able to give something back just makes you feel good inside doesn’t it??

P&G’s goal is to get to 100,000 Days of Clean Drinking Water by the end of 2010…let’s help them get to their goal. This GIVE HEALTH Widget will remain in my right sidebar until this goal is met.

Who is thankful that we have clean water in the sink?

Giving Thanks - Day Nine

2010-11-09T09:00:00.000-08:00

Cherish is what we do when we place the highest value on someone or something. Whatever we truly cherish, we put above everything else. Other things and people may be very important, but not as important as what we cherish. This is why women feel unloved by men who spend their time, money, thoughts and energy on other things. This also explains why giving a woman gifts moves her heart. It’s not because she is greedy and materialistic, but because a thoughtful, sacrificial gift demonstrates a man’s priorities. We think frequently of what we cherish, which is why a wife usually loves to receive unexpected notes and phone calls, (Woe to the man who does not make the expected phone call!) We protect what we cherish. We boast about what we cherish.

Did I mention that I finally have a husband who cherishes me? Have I mentioned that he DOES call me unexpectedly, that he has gone out of his way to get me a treat from the store?

I am so blessed, and I am grateful that the long road did not end with settling for less than God's best. I have an amazing husband.

Just this past weeked we had really counted on going to the Denver Zoo for a "free day", and Josh had to make the tough decision that made us all sad. BUT it is truely something he has never done before. Oh, not the make us sad part, but the part that made him think ahead to our finances. He counted the cost. AND then said, "No!" See, Josh, rarely says NO to me about things I plan that are "free!" Being that the landscape season in Colorado is over, well, that means less income. Thinking ahead means not spending the gas money set aside for this week on a trip to the zoo. We will have our fun trip to the zoo, just not now. I respect Josh for making a decision that shows he cares for our family. Having a wise husband only makes me more in love with him, even if I am a little sad that we didn't get to go.

Giving Thanks - Day Eight

2010-11-08T10:13:00.000-08:00

I have no doubt I am going to end up with a few of these posts, as I go about my daily/weekly routines. Cooking is one of my favorite things to do, and I also enjoy making desserts. In the last couple of years I have expanded my cooking skills to baking. Oh, yes, baking! It is not necessarily in the same category as regular cooking. With cooking you can add here, add there, no big deal. With baking, on the other hand...precision is key. Although I am still working on that, as I just added a bit more water to my bread, as it wasn't just right. The more you bake the more you know the feeling, and you can add. BUT when starting out....EXACTNESS (doubt that's a word) is key.

One of my favorite things in my kitchen happens to be very simple. Measuring salt is one of the most annoying things to me. I know, right? Why? Well, just cuz....we all have our "thing!" Anyway, about 6 years ago I got these wonderful dispensers. Oh, my, do I love them!!! When Josh accidently broke the salt one two years ago, I almost cried. Yes, I am that serious about liking them. He got online that afternoon and bought me a new set, which took some research, as it had been a long time. I now have one of my other frequently used spices in that one.

The most innovative salt and pepper dispensers on the market! Just one quick press on the top and you have easy repetitive measuring at your finger tips! This innovate spice dispenser dispenses a pinch 1/8 teaspoon or 1/4 teaspoon of granular spices. Just turn the top and press! Measuring has never been easier!

Oh, and when I make homemade bread I just love being able to slice the pieces exactly...which is why I love my knife, too!

Yes, I am grateful for these things in my life that just make a few things SIMPLE and less frustrating, to me!!

Giving Thanks - Day Seven

2010-11-07T07:51:00.000-08:00

I am blessed to have so many friends, not just a friend who says, "Hello!" A friend with a tender shoulder, where I can softly cry. A well to pour my troubles down, and to raise my spirits high. A friend is a hand to pull you up, from darkness and despair... When all your other "so called" friends have helped to put you there--A true friend is an ally. When others have forgot; a true friend always remember. But most of all a friend has a true heart. How many friends do you have?

A Friend Is Always Special

Because Friends Love You

Just Because You're You!

I have a few friends, this has only been in recent years. I am blessed with friends that I can cry with, laugh with, and be mad with.......hey, don't judge! Yes, I do get mad! I know--hard to believe!

I received a package in the mail from a "newer" friend, and I was so touched. I can tell she would be someone I would love to know better; I look forward to it. (Thank you, Friend!)

Friends just know when it's necessary to DO something, even if it's inconvenient. A friend doesn't always give "things;" they understand what you need, when you need it.

Friends can be offended; it doesn't mean they aren't friends. Friends can hurt you--it's life. BUT are they the kind of friend you can say....."that really hurt, and can they accept your sensitivity?" Sometimes the truth hurts; do you have a friend that can be honest with you, even if it hurts?

Being blessed with friends is something I never want to take for granted! Some of my friends have come from the oddest places. BlogLand has allowed me a few friendships that I treasure, but the only way to make friends is to be friendly. And sometimes that means being vulnerable. Try it!

Wonderful box of winter clothes for Shallah, from a friend!

She loves her new outfit!
(she still carries her doll around, Titi!)

and the hat

Giving Thanks - Day Six

2010-11-06T10:32:00.000-07:00

I am so thankful for good deals!!! I have been getting some amazing deals lately. Josh and I enjoy coffee most mornings, and we happen to like CoffeeMate Creamer, and in my research I found a GREAT coupon. I got creamer for 20 cents. Follow the link, and you can, too!

Abishai will be needing sneakers, soon enough, and I always like to look for deals BEFORE the emergency arises. I got some Reeboks for him.....priced at $15. This is a fantastic deal for boy's shoes, and name brand?? Well, I got a deal for signing up when I did, and I only ended up paying $5.95. Thank you, Jesus!!
The website is RueLaLa, and some things are EXTREMELY high-priced, but if you wait for a good deal, well, you can get one.

Swagbucks, too! I have made almost $35 from just doing my regular searches, and I love making money for doing what I normally do....who doesn't? Anyway, I am thinking I might just earn enough to buy the family Christmas present. We have decided that we will NOT be buying presents this year. We have decided to buy a Wii game to play on Christmas (and beyond).

Being thankful for a good deal has only seemed to bring MORE deals. BRING IT ON!!

Giving Thanks - Day Five

2010-11-05T09:02:00.000-07:00

Adoption: I am privileged to see children and parents blessed by the joys of adoption. I was blessed to read a fabulous post by a friend who is blessed by adoption.

My sister-in-law and her husband just finalized the adoption of their two children, and we could not be any more thrilled to have two such WONDERFUL children in our family. I just LOVE them to pieces. The process may seem to take a long time, but the rewards are great.

A very good friend adopted her little girl from China, and I am blessed to have been a part of that process, too!!! It touches my heart to see children and parents come together and be a family, most often coming from situations that were NOT good.

Welcome to the family, Deonte and Rhema!

Giving Thanks - Day Four

2010-11-04T08:20:00.000-07:00

"Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man."

- Proverbs 3:3-4 NIV

I have favor with God and man....I am working on those things like love and faithfulness. In the mean time God's grace is abundant, as are His blessings.

I have been concerned about the amount of bills we have piling up; God is faithful. As I was praying I thought I should call ONE more time about a discount on my electric bill. I had called previously, and they were not very helpful. I just felt led to call again. This time it was ALL God. I just said, "I need your help, in whatever way you can!" She said, "Let me see what I can do!"

My bill is NOW at a $0 balance; she credited my account $476. She completely reversed the huge deposit, and said that it should have never been placed on my account, in the first place.

It's true that believers who are really committed to God will sometimes experience criticism and persecution. Jesus said we could count on it. He wanted us to know what we were getting into when we made the decision to follow Him.

If we're making a difference for God, we can't expect Satan to just sit back and do nothing to try to hinder us. But the Bible teaches us that we can pray for God's favor, which can be a powerful weapon against the enemy's attacks.

Psalm 89:17 "Our power is based on Your favor."

Psalm 5:12 "Surely, O Lord, You bless the righteous; You surround them with Your favor as with a shield."

We are God's children--His chosen, His elect. And He is committed to protecting and providing for His own. When we concentrate on pleasing God, we can depend on Him to change people's hearts for our benefit. I did NOT deserve to have the deposit taken off, but God did something in her heart.

Proverbs 16:7 "When a man's ways are pleasing to the Lord, He makes even his enemies live at peace with him." If God is willing and able to change the hearts of our enemies, surely we can expect Him to give us favor in the sight of our landlords, utility companies, employers, neighbors, and others we come in contact with. But we mustn't assume that this favor is automatic. Often, we will have to ask God for it, expecting Him to act on our behalf. Before I called the electric company.....THIS WAS MY STATUS ON FACEBOOK! SERENA NEEDS FAVOR, today! I prayed for it, and I received it. Do it, try it....it works!

Giving Thanks - Day Three

2010-11-03T14:17:00.000-07:00

Mouse Traps and Plastic Containers......yes, you read that right. I am SO thankful for these things, as my mind is at ease. I know that if I keep things as clean as I can my food will be safe, and if I keep my traps checked and in place--eventually I will catch them ALL!!! Hehe. Yes, ALL!!! Did you hear the sinister laugh?

The official count in ONE MONTH is TEN!! Yes, that's right...10!!! I am winning!!! Apparently, the mice did NOT bother the last tenant, as the landlord had NO IDEA the house had mice.

It's really nice that the Family Dollar sells these packages for $1.00. Oh, and I say the price, because if you have been to one of these stores---everything is NOT $1.00. I think it's that you PAY with dollars? Yes, that's what it MUST be.

Giving Thanks - Day Two

2010-11-03T14:01:00.000-07:00

My family went from one bedroom to a 4,000 square foot house!! Can you imagine? We have been lost for a month; we haven't known what to do with the space. We are so grateful to have had a place to live and call home, when we had no place to live. Josh's family, graciously, allowed us to live in their home for a year. God called our family back to California, and we never expected to not have a house of our own. We see God's hand in the whole process. Our family back in California needed to see the changes in Josh, and I believe that it was more evident in the man he has become by going through ups and downs. He reacts differently; he prays and fasts over a decision, instead of just rushing to make a choice. Now, back in Colorado, God has seen fit to bless us with a HUGE house. We love it!

Giving Thanks - Day One

2010-11-03T13:45:00.000-07:00

I have an absolutely fabulous family. We know how to enjoy life, and this past year has had many opportunities to enjoy life. Upon moving to Colorado we expected to have our house available to us, but the previous tenant was in no hurry to move out. We had to camp for a week, waiting for him to move out. You know what? We LOVED it. It wasn't so bad, and it had memories we will never forget. Laundry in machines, food on a camp stove, freezing cold temperatures at night, and the stars at night were only a few of the wonderful things we enjoyed.

God has carried us throughout this whole process of change in our lives, and we are enjoying the ride! I hope to give a glimpse of that adventure in the next month, as I spend the month of November giving thanks for what GOD has done.

My Knight Has a Word......

2010-05-22T21:03:00.000-07:00

Serena asked me to be guest blogger in order that I can answer some questions that were raised after she finished her account of our story. And may I say that her story was correct in every area. Much of what she wrote about me I cannot remember at all. I am kind of glad that I cannot. I guess that is just a small sliver of the grace that my Father has shown me in covering and washing my mind from some of the wickedness that spewed from my lips. The chronicle of faith that she wrote, as hard as it was for me to read, helped heal me. Thank you, Babe, for obeying the voice of God and writing ALL of it. I love you.

Now, back to the question…

The questions that were raised were, “How do I (Josh) know that Serena has forgiven me and is not living in the past? Do I (Josh) still deal with guilt? Will we tell our children when they get older? Is our marriage stronger because of our trials?”

First question…I don’t have a set list of things she has done that show here forgiveness. She is the picture of a Godly wife. She has given herself to me completely and wholly. She has given me her all. I know that Serena has forgiven me because of how she treats me. Even while I was still acting like the devil, she treated me with respect and honor as if I were still Godly. If she was able to do that when I did not deserve it, then she more than able to do it when I am in my proper place.

I know that she worked extremely hard in order to ensure that her heart towards me remained soft. And when I came home, she remained in the same spirit. I know that those first few weeks and the following year was not an easy one for her. And I think that many of those days she did live in the past. But she never remained there. She purposed in her mind, heart, and spirit that this was her marriage and no one, human or demonic, would destroy it. She put in a tremendous amount of work into our marriage even when I did not.

Now, I know that she has forgiven me fully by the way she serves me and follows where I lead. You cannot fully serve and follow someone completely unless there is nothing between you and them. We have had many conversations about the past and about the future. If she had an area of her heart that was not surrendered to God, she would not have the ability to forgive me. She would forever be stuck in the past.

The greatest display of forgiveness came when I told her that God had told me we had to return to the town where ALL of our heartache and defeat happened. She did not question whether it was God’s will or if I actually heard God. She simply said, “OK.” That single act showed me that she had forgiven me. If you are walking this road, this sign may not be the same for you. However, the truth of that sign for me is this; if she had not forgiven me…if she was living in the past…how could she trust me enough to follow me back to the hurt?

Second question…do I still deal with guilt? This is hard to answer. On one side, because of the forgiveness she has shown me (which is exactly how Christ forgives us…no strings, just love and forgiveness) I feel no guilt. I feel like this most days. But, on the other side, especially when I read this blog, I felt a tremendous amount of guilt. How could I have done this to my wife that I adore and my kids that I cherish? It must have been someone else that did all of that evil…not me.

I do still feel a lot of remorse about the past. I think that remorse is different than guilt. Guilt comes from the enemy of our souls in order to trap us in the past. Remorse comes from a realization that we have wasted the time and resources God entrusted us with; as a result I now know that I cannot afford to waste any more of what He has entrusted me with.

Third question…yes, we will probably talk about this as the kids get older. It rarely comes up any more. At first, it did all the time. Because of our past now, God brings people like this into our lives. I am sure our kids will wonder, “Why do all these people with broken marriages keep coming around?” We have to tell them something. Why not the truth? Out of all of this, we can use this as a teaching time for the boys about how they are to be as men. Not how to be a good husband, but how to be a real Christ follower. I am still not a good husband…I am working on being a Christ follower. That by itself is the one thing that makes me worth anything. In addition, to teaching the boys about this, I will know how to weed out the young men that come for my girls. I know the signs that were in me, I will see it in prospective suitors. If they don’t follow Christ with all of themselves, they don’t get my girls. And to clear up any rumors you may have heard about me…I WILL BE CHOOSING MY KIDS MATES!! Totally not kidding!!

Fourth question…our marriage is absolutely, positively, without-a-doubt, 100% Rock-solid, unwavering, and unshakeable. Our marriage is better than ever. This is not bragging or the assumption that one of us could not fall again. I can say that we are unshakeable because all that I had built had been built on a foundation apart from Christ. And it all fell apart like a house of cards. But, now having to do the work of rebuilding our marriage according to the standards of God, I would not dare to waste the blood, sweat, and tears that it took for us to be here today. It is only in my realization of how inadequate I am that I can fully rely upon Him to be the strength that I need. This is what Paul tells us in 2 Corinthians 12:9, “…for my strength is made perfect in weakness.”

I hope this has helped someone. If this brings up more questions, we will answer all of them. It is our desire to be completely transparent before everyone. We will not hide our past but use it as a testimony of how great the love of our God is, how far His mercy and grace reaches, and how it is His desire to restore everyone back to Himself...no matter what the situation looks like.

Always looking for another way to die…Death becomes me.

~Josh Abdelaziz

Fresh Blackberry Muffins

2010-05-08T08:42:00.000-07:00

Fresh Blueberry Muffins

1 1/2 cups of fresh blueberries
2/3 cup sugar
1 1/2 cups flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspooon salt
1/3 cup oil
2 eggs, beaten
1/2 cup milk

1. Preheat over to 375F. Spray the muffin tin with cooking spray.
2. Put the blue berries into a colander and rinse them off.
3. In a large bowl, combine the sugar, flour, baking soda, and salt.
4. In a small bowl, combine the oil, beaten eggs, and milk.
5. Add the liquid ingredients into the dry ingredients and stir together until they are just blended. Do not overmix.
6. Fold the blue betties into the batter.
7. Pour the batter into the prepared pan so each cup is about 2/3 full.
8. Bake 18-20 minutes or until muffins are lightly browned and cooked throughout.
9. You can serve the muffins fresh from the oven. After they have cooled, cover them with waxed paper to keep them fresh.

Jael made breakfast this morning; she got a cookbook for her birthday. She has been so anxious to go through the whole thing and make everything. Her brothers were willing to wait the extra hour while she cooked. Yeah, we gotta work a bit on speed and clean-up. BUT since Jael is not even the cleanest eater, I am sure it will take some time. She learned one of the the first rules of cooking....substitution. Mommy didn't have blueberries, but she had blackberries. I pretty much left her on her own in the kitchen, because I tend to want things perfect. I interfere too much, and I want her to realize she can do it on her own. The ONLY thing I measured was the oil. So, this was ALL her!! AND she is prepared for the reviews......

P.S. I appreciate the comments on my last blog post. As soon as I get some more time I will be answering all of the questions. I REALLY am glad for the ideas.

HELP!!!!

2010-04-21T09:49:00.000-07:00

I know that so many of you have been following my blog, lately, and I don't want to lose your interest. What is it that you wanna know? What about marriage and restoration and reconciliation do you still have questions about? You can even comment privately, and I won't post. JUST say you don't want your comment published. I am happy to answer any and all questions. Sometimes I am not sure what needs to be answered, because I am further along in the process.

And don't get me wrong, I can STILL have my days. Thanks for the help. I want to write, but I am not sure what to write about.

Lessons in Obedience

2010-04-08T16:06:00.000-07:00

Shallah is almost 10 months old, and she just got her first tooth today. It's barely visible, but it's there! She is a quick learner. I am always amazed at what my children are able to understand at an early age. Parents do NOT give their children enough credit. Since Shallah was about 6 months old and crawling she eyed the dog bowls. She only had to have her hand pulled away a couple of times and told "NO" before she realized I wasn't playing. It's not even a thought for her anymore; she leaves it alone. In fact, I realized, today, I don't even think about the fact that she could still play with it. She learned, and she doesn't play with them. Teaching at a young age is SO much easier than letting them THINK they are in charge. It's much harder to train a two year old. Shallah crys the minute she hears someone say no to her.

Today was a perfect example of how much children understand. I didn't have a place to put Shallah down for a nap, so I spread the blanket on the living room floor. Yes, I know we are walking around and doing school, BUT she needed a nap. I spread the blanket out, and I laid her on it. She fussed, and I pat her back. She was no where near asleep, but she understood when I said she had to stay there. She got up on her knees to sit up, and I told her, "No!" I didn't spank her, and I didn't yell. She whined, and then lay back down. She did this about three times, and whined each time. After about 10 minutes she fell fast asleep.

Guess who's boss? not them

I am not mean, but I do expect my children to learn early. And with the older ones, I have to work on my sarcasm. Usually it goes like this, "Seriously, you MUST have thought I was joking when I told you to be quiet, because you definitely would NOT be talking if you thought I was serious!" Well, I am not perfect, but I am working on being more patient, consistent, and compassionate. I can assure you that it may take some time.

There are many little methods and tools to help us to train our children for the Lord! Let me emphasize that these must be used consistently, firmly, and lovingly in order to be effective! We have found a few methods to be a tremendous help during the past few years. God intends for our children to be a blessing and a joy to us parents, but it is our responsibility to teach and train them in the ways of the Lord. Thank God that He gives us the resources, and His grace, in order to accomplish this!

A child taught instant obedience at an early age is much more content.

Giving Up

2010-04-08T10:01:00.000-07:00

When things get hopeless what keeps you from giving up?

When the Lord speaks to your heart do you fear being disobedient? Absolutely! So, when things got bad I could not disobey. I wanted to obey and honor my Father with my life. God often brough Scriptures to my heart when I was discouraged.

These are some prayers that I would pray over Josh WITH his name inserted in them...pray Scripture over your husband, brother, father, sister, mother. It WORKS!!! Your marriage can only be helped with God's Word.

For this reason, I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen [Spouse] with the power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in [Spouse’s] heart through faith. And I pray that [Spouse], being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that [Spouse] may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. - Ephesians 3:14-19

I thank my God every time I remember [Spouse]. In all my prayers for [Spouse], I always pray with joy because of [Spouse’s] partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in [Spouse] will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. - Philippians 1:3-6

And this is my prayer: that [Spouse’s] love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that [Spouse] may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ – to the glory and praise of God. - Philippians 1:9-11

For this reason, ever since I heard about [Spouse’s] faith in the Lord Jesus and [Spouse’s] love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for [Spouse], remembering [Spouse] in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give [Spouse] the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that [Spouse] may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of [Spouse’s] heart may be enlightened in order that [Spouse] may know the hope to which he has called [Spouse], the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. - Ephesians 1:15-19a

Therefore, my dear [Spouse], as you have always obeyed – not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence – continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in [Spouse] to will and to act according to his good purpose. - Philippians 2:12-13

For this reason, since the day we heard about [Spouse], we have not stopped praying for [Spouse] and asking God to fill [Spouse] with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that [Spouse] may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that [Spouse] may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified [Spouse] to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. For he has rescued [Spouse] from the dominion of darkness and brought [Spouse] into the kingdom of the Son [Spouse] loves, in whom [Spouse] has redemption, the forgiveness of sins. - Colossians 1:9-14

So then, just as [Spouse] received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as [Spouse] were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. See to it that no one takes [Spouse] captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ. For in Christ, all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and [Spouse] has been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority. In him [Spouse] were also circumcised, in the putting off of the sinful nature, not with a circumcision done by hands of men but with the circumcision done by Christ, having been buried with him in baptism and raised with him through [Spouse’s] faith in the power of God, who raised him form the dead. When [Spouse] were dead in her sins and in the uncircumcision of [Spouse’s] sinful nature, God made [Spouse] alive with Christ. He forgave [Spouse] all her sins, having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against [Spouse] and that stood opposed to [Spouse]; he took it away, nailing it to the cross. - Colossians 2:6-14

No, in all these things [Spouse] is more than a conqueror through him who loved her. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate [Spouse] from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. - Romans 8:37-39

Praise our God, O [Husband] and [Wife], let the sound of his praise be heard; he has preserved [Husband] and [Wife’s] lives and kept [Husband] and [Wife’s] feet from slipping. For you, O God, tested [Husband] and [Wife]; you refined [Husband] and [Wife] like silver. You brought [Husband] and [Wife] into prison and laid burdens on our backs. You let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and water, but you brought [Husband] and [Wife] to a place of abundance. - Psalm 66:8-12

I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. [Husband] and [Wife] will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. - John 14:12

Standing for Marriage

2010-04-07T22:00:00.000-07:00

Because of all I have been through I have a passion for marriage. A call to help hurting marriages. A desire to see reconciliation happen like never before. NOTHING is too difficult for God!

I had/have this posted in my house to always remind me of what it means to stand.

Stander's Affirmation

I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE!... I will not give up, give in, give out or give over 'til that healing takes place. I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words... in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad...so I am standing NOW, and will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down 'til the breakdown is torn down!

I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what is trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous... nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God's real thing, nor will I seek to lower God's standard, twist God's will, rewrite God's word, violate God's covenant, or accept what God hates, namely divorce!

In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies I will speak the truth; where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God: where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will trust in God's faithfulness.

I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit.. I have made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God for all the outcome.

I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones, nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up 'til my marriage is healed.

- Author Unknown

Progress in Discipline

2010-04-07T14:57:00.001-07:00

Figured maybe it was time to show you some progress in my weight loss journey. As you know, I started in January. I have had a small Dr. Pepper ONCE since then, which is HUGE for me, because I really enjoy Dr. Pepper. I have gained so much from this experience, so far. I have been working out a few times a week, and it has been so relaxing. Yes, relaxing. I get to spend time on myself. The biggest challenge will be keeping my portion sizes at a minimum, and I need to make sure I don’t pick up snacking during the evenings. Evenings is always my hardest time, but I have been exchanging that time for exercise. It’s working!!! I only have 18 more lbs. to go. And, honestly, I feel really good. If I don’t make it to 18 lbs, but I just tone and lost about 10 more…..I will feel like I succeeded.

Thanks for following me on so many of my accomplishments.

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 68

2010-04-06T13:41:00.000-07:00

The man I married today....is AMAZING.

He is....
     a repentant man
     a broken man
     an upright man
     a courageous man
     a humble man
     a loving man
     a selfless man

A GODLY MAN....continually dying to self.......God has taken him on a journey, and it's a GOOD READ!

Check him out: http://dying2self.blogspot.com/

If you read my story from the beginning you can see how I have finally received the answers to my prayers. Thank you for sticking through this with me!

You are welcome to ask me any questions you may have; I have a desire to help you, in any way I can.

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 67

2010-04-05T14:57:00.000-07:00

Running towards God as hard as he did running away from Him was still going to take some time.

We took a trip to Colorado for a few days, in January. We wanted to make sure that it was where God wanted us to be. We loved the church; we found a house. The job thing might take time, but we needed to GO!

Trying to sum up the rest of our journey is so hard to do. There is so much I have left out, and I think as God moves me through writing a book--more and more may come out. I didn't realize how bad it was for many months after Josh came home. My mind said it was really only bad for a week, until I started reading my journals. God carried me. He has healed so much of my heart.

The weeks that followed Josh's return home were difficult. He continually talked about the steps for getting back in ministry, as if not much had happened? You could tell his repentant heart was not fully there. He was not broken.

Levi's name, meaning...a union supported by Jehovah. Levi was a blessing and a joy. He slept through the night at 3 months old, giving Josh and I the rest we needed, as well! God poured His grace over our move.

Thanksgiving and Christmas were uncomfortable but a blessing beyond words. Our family was delighted to have no major holidays without Daddy where he belonged. 3 months seemed like an eternity, but it was nothing compared to the life we were going to live.

God continues to sustain me, and some days are worse than others. Healing from this pain has been nothing short of miraculous. It's been two years, and I can write this story without crumbling into a fit of tears. It can hurt, but it doesn't hurt the same way.

Moving to Colorado was just definitely one of the best decision of our lives. Our hearts have been knitted together with wonderful people, to this day. The journey of healing and reconciliation would not have been the same without them. God brought men into Josh's life that steer him towards God, keep him accountable, and encourage growth. Remeber, I prayed for this!

Many months of crying myself to sleep led to more and more healing. Those first few months in Colorado were so difficult. Josh did not have a job for 3 months; we lived on very little. Money stress just added more problems. Josh was ready to go get a job at a bar, this was heart-breaking. Josh still had no boundries for himself.

Working as a bounty hunter put him in places that could NOT have been good for him, but I just spent those evenings on my knees. Josh never felt like he was doing badly. My spirit knew it wasn't over. Josh was NOT okay. I was lost as to what else I could do.

After almost a year, Josh finally agreed to counseling. He was reluctant still, and it was hard. I had decided to go for counseling myself, and that opened up new things. When Josh saw this, he was ready. Our relationship grew during those few months of counseling. Josh was able to pray and recover pieces of his heart, and give them to me. BUT one thing that was unsettled was the REASON for the behavior, in the first place. Our counselor told Josh he needed to ask God to reveal the contents of his heart. Josh said he did....and God wasn't answering.

That night I got into a horrible accident, almost killing a motorcyclist. Our Yukon was totaled, and the pieces of our life were seeming to get a bit more shattered. Things didn't want to go...JUST right. Josh blew up. I got scared. "God owed him!" WHAT??? Oh, no!!! This was it; the anger towards God was the problem all along. Josh still felt like God should do more for him? He had come home; he was being good. Why did THIS have to happen? It felt like someong had punched me in the stomach. Nothing was really fixed; I knew it. BUT to be faced with it was tough to swallow.

My friends, those men I prayed to surround Josh came to the rescue. They spoke life into those dark places, explaining that God owed him NOTHING. It didn't matter coming from me, but it did matter coming from his "brothers!" God was showing Josh the contents of his heart, but Josh didn't like it.

Almost over night I saw a difference. The man I wanted was FINALLY home!!! More than a YEAR after coming home, JOSH was HOME!!

Josh agreed to have his computer monitored by Covenant Eyes, and it was a step in the right direction. Josh had not been "bad" for a long time, but unless your heart it turned towards God, it cannot last. I can still be brought to tears when I think about God's goodness in Josh's life.

Do we still have ups and downs? Of course! Do we know what's worth fighting about? Sometimes! Are we the same people we were 2 years ago? Not at all......

God continues to work in our situation. Josh heard clearly from God that we needed to move back to California to continue the healing process. People and family here did not get to experience the journey in the same way we did. They needed a glimpse, a real one, of what God had done. Josh needed to reclaim his anointing. On February 14th, we dedicated our newest addition to the family...Shallah Rianne. Her name means, "river of grace!" God's grace is beyond compare. Josh was also re-instated, as Pastor Josh. Our journey is not over......as God leads us on the next step of our journey, we anxiously await. Healing is a process, but it's a complete healing, if done through the Healer!

No pit is so deep that He is not deeper still. Anyone of you, if faced with some of the circumstances can allow God to heal and work through them. God gives grace for your situation; you must allow Him to work though. You have to listen. It's not an easy journey, but I am SO glad that I walked uprightly. I regret nothing.

Thank you for following me on this journey, and I would LOVE to hear from you.

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 66

2010-04-04T13:09:00.000-07:00

Lord, I am so scared. I have poured out my heart and man has stomped on it--my man, the one You blessed me with. How do I deal with it? I know you aren't a stranger to this, but I am human in my feelings. What do I do? Do I ignore the hurts? I guess it's not my job at all to worry about the consequences I think josh should pay. Will I ever feel close to him, like I want? Is this the curse of Eve? Will marriage ever be what I dreamed it would be or what I read it could be, with only one person reading and caring about the other person. Josh says he is selfish. Aren't we supposed to care about the other person? What do I do, Lord?

The year was almost over, so many things happened in my life. February 1st is our move out day. God was still stirring in me, new things.

Our society has allowed "super spirits" to invade our lives, just like our "super viruses!" Instead of turning to God and having intimacy with Him; we have used asprin to fix a major problem. Men in leadership, especially, are being attacked. Satan is out stronger than ever, because of the power we have given him. IN order to gain a stronghold in our lives Satan has "uped" his game, and I am mad that we are sitting back unaware.

Why do leaders ignore the spirit realm? And if ther aren't why do they allow a little taste? These spirits are attacking God's leaders, and they are on the prowl.

I had to make sure the church we were going to be attending in Colorado really understand the spirit realm. Did they lay back and let the devil have his way? I wrote to the prayer pastory; I had an instant bond. She got it! She definitely didn't sit back and let Satan have his way! I was so excited.

I believed 2009 was the year of new beginnings, and I wanted to walk confidently and uprightly in WHO God wanted me to be. Lord, take me to a deeper level; show me what You would have me to do. Lead me and hold me close. Protect me from things that would harm. Make my path clear to me. I love Who You are; You will never hurt me. No matter what I have Your unconditional love. Use me to be that for others. Open my eyes to the traps Satan may have laid out. Help me to remember my armor. You are my friend, and I never want to lose sight of You.

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 65

2010-04-03T12:55:00.000-07:00

A pastor friend called to encourage me NOT to move. She had reservations, thinking Josh was making me move. I did not want to be blinded by my desire to move, so I asked her to continue to pray and let me know. Praying for God to shut doors that needed to be shut became a matter of priority. Confirmation to move started coming from more and more directions. As long as Josh wasn't pushing me to move and get me all alone, people became more calm.

Hurts from Josh did still continue, despite making leaps and bounds. Josh told me that anything the other woman told me was a lie because she wanted me to feel better. They were a cute couple, and that it didn't matter what she said. They were good for each other. He got mad when I walked away. How could I not walk away? I didn't want to get angry, so he discussed with me about my bad attitude. He told me it was hard to find something to compliment me for, and that she was wonderful enough to leave us for. Yikes!! Would it ever stop?

The other woman could not believe that Josh did not make me feel like the most amazing person in the world, since he did with her? Well, no, Josh made me feel ugly, unappreciated, forgettable, useless, and sad, and unworthy. It's a good thing I know God, because I could not have done it without him. The lies of Satan can only be deafened by the truths of God.

Josh decided to read Wild at Heart, and he asked if I would please read it so that I would understand him better. Of course, I did. But would he read Captivating to understand me better? How did he think I felt to always feel neglected? He didn't want to know me.

Josh wasn't feeling any remorse, in my opinion. He said everything was fine for him. He didn't care about the PD job; it was no big deal that he didn't get it. (they didn't accept him because of the issues with his past, showing a lack of integrity....in his present situation) Not playing the keyboard at our annual Christmas program was not hard at all. What has been hard? If none of his sin had any consequences that were hard, then what would make him not do it again?

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 64

2010-04-02T12:37:00.000-07:00

Giving your child a taste of alcohol in order to make them realize they don't like it? Where do these thoughts come from? Did Josh filter all of his beliefs through God or the world?

Struggles with family over our life together weighed on me, moving was something we felt we needed to do. BUT everyone did not agree. I hated going against the feelings of others. Yes, even though I could stand my ground for my marriage, some things were still very hard for me. Not everyone was feeling good about where we were in our marriage. Understandably, of course!

Josh's apologies were empty, but they were there. So, it was progress...to me! Hey, he wasn't still gone?

I felt so foolish at times. We were moving to another state, and I had a husband who specifically said he had no feelings for me. I didn't understand WHY he had no feelings for me. When did he think he would have some? I did NOT feel foolish when it came to knowing what I was walking into. I knew that Josh's problems with women would not go away with moving, but I knew for me that healing would be easier.

I felt I was risking it all, a risk to hurt again. It was hard to give my hear to someone that had so easily crushed it. My heart still hurts; I still cry, but in that, I feel! If I stop crying and hurting it won't heal properly, If I pretend that it's not there and deal with it, unexpectedly my heart will start to bleed because it wasn't healed properly.

I trust God to keep me safe, but I do worry about Josh. Settling in and feeling like he is safe. I am not so concerned about him failing I worry about the affects on the kids and if I could do it alone.

Josh and I were not spiritually in-tune; we had not been for years. I so badly wanted to pray together, do devotions together. I didn't want to make Josh do things he knows are a good idea. Josh knows from years of teaching that we were not spiritually close.

Lord, as Josh and I continue to walk this road of restoration, please guide us, lead us to stay grounded in You. Point us to the things we need to address. Increase true intimacy. I need my husband fully decoted to You, that will help him to stay focused on the task he need to accomplish to fulfill his destiny. I ask You to do the same for me. Keep me focused on You, not him. Keep me surrounded by Your love.

Our move was getting closer, and I was feeling all alone. Josh was in agreement, but otherwise I felt very alone. We had to do this for us.

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 63

2010-04-01T12:21:00.000-07:00

Hosea 7:14 there is a crying in true repentance

Yearly, get-togethers for the holidays brought bitter-sweet emotions. Thinking about how Josh almost missed it, and then having to do things and keep it together and be strong.

Who was going to see us together, that saw "them" together? I was emotionally drained. Josh thought about the future, but he rarely talked about fixing the damage of the past. Josh's philosophy just included time.

Thinking about the words he spoke sometimes escaped him, like asking me if we should keep the mattress he bought! He thought maybe we could keep it for the kids, if I didn't want it? For real? We stopped fighting about these things; most of the time I would calmly give my answer, then go cry later. Many people talked about how nice I was to him, but he always argued. He felt I made things difficult, and I complained to much. My heart ached for some sympathy from my husband.

Josh says he felt no guilt or shame after having sex with other woman, this was so hard for me to swallow. I am certainly glad he didn't lie, but I could not imagine. Many things still needed a major cleansing.

Did Josh even know what he wanted? Sometimes ministry, sometimes a farm, sometimes neighbors, sometimes he liked to do things, other times he liked home? Which was it?

I knew ONE thing I wanted.....I wanted him to HATE what he did out there. I didn't hear hate; I heard a longing to return. Yes, still....over a month and it still was far from over!

He said he would fake it until he feels it; I wondered if he would ever feel it? Would I ever know? It's so hard to hear your husband say he is faking it!

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 62

2010-03-31T12:08:00.000-07:00

Dedication day had arrived--December 2nd. Things went well, and the blessing Josh spoke over Levi brought us all to tears. It was different than any of us had imagined only a month ago.

If fears creep in and I react, it's still bad. Josh felt I just looked for something to be wrong. Why didn't he just leave me at the place where things DID seem all wrong. When he gets mad that I don't believe him, why didn't he realize I didn't believe him?

I wanted him to find God on a whole new level, and I didn't want him making changes just for me.

Changes were gradual, but I thanked God for everyone. Pride was broken down little by little, day by day. When I got discouraged I would remind myself of those little things. God cleansed him as Josh allowed God to come in to every area.

On the same day that he had a breakthrough, though, Satan always turned the heat up on me. I never got his full attention, and it still hurt. He still talked about how hard it was not to call her, and this was after a month. He talked about the good times he had with her, and he never talked about our good times. He spoke with admiration and apreciation for who she was. We didn't go out and have fun as much as I would have hoped, but I just had to take each day. I sometimes wanted to run away. BUT thanking God for what he was doing kept me going.

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 61

2010-03-30T11:47:00.000-07:00

Encouraging the children that Daddy wouldn't go anywhere was a daily thing. Yes, they asked every day. My heart would break. Many times I would stay silent, keeping my feelings to myself. Josh would get so upset, but I could NOT fight in front of the children. I didn't want them to have fear that daddy would leave again. Wanting Josh to go the extra mile seemed like it should be realistic, but it was not going to be...for now!

Pleasing my husband seemed like a never ending story. There wasn't anything special about me; I was supposed to the only one. I wasn't. Josh's desires were still so perverted, so I could NOT even begin to talk about them. Wondering if things would ever go to right or if in situations like this you just learn a new normal. At this point, Josh just wanted to pretend it never happened. People talking to him about it made him mad. Hugs from friends only irritated. Apologies seemed empty.

I prayed that when Josh found his own heart he would care about mine. Josh spent a lot of time copying what others said, talking about how he didn't have his whole heart. Logic would drive me crazy. If he gave me his whole heart for the past 8 years, like he said...then how could he NOW say he didn't have his whole heart? AND if you divide you heart and intentions among things and people....how does it work? Over the years Josh had done so much, if God wasn't always the center there is no way you can handle it all.

Lord, help my unbelief, my unbelief that that Josh is not for real. I feel discouraged and upset because of all the lives affected by this. Everything is words, and I have to believe my prayers are continuing to work.

Selling the business became top priority. Moving was becoming more of a reality, and we couldn't wait to make the next step in our journey together. Doing it together brought us together.

Josh and I bought the Wii for our Christmas present; it was a great idea. It helped us laugh together and play together and not focus on negative things.

Writing a song for Levi's dedication also became one of our main focuses. Looking for things to do that wouldn't be a constant reminder of the past really helped move us along.

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 60

2010-03-29T11:34:00.000-07:00

Making a decision on what to do for the future started to cause a bit of stress. We had to do something. We needed healing. Should we sell the landscaping business? When we move, should we sell everything? Do we have money to move? Can Josh get work? Agreeing on where to move wasn't really a stress. God was moving us to Colorado, and we were never more in agreement or at peace.

My feelings for Josh were still so distant, and we had to do something. For the kid's sake and his own soul, I was so happy. But my heart still hurt so deeply. Josh was often uncaring. He took off early on Fridays to take the other woman to lunch, when he came home....he never gave it a second thought.

I had my heart ripped out, and the work was landing on me. Pursuing Josh, to keep the relationship alive. Josh was still talking about how his feelings for me were not the same, and he needed God to help him feel for me? Wow, well, that was tough. It didn't bother him that my feelings towards him were not the same.

If he feels good about himself, then he won't be tempted to cheat again? Am I unrealistic to want my husband to want me and need me because I am the best, not because of who he was stuck with or that he had no other choice. I am the right choice, not one he is even extremely happy about. The lies of Satan were still coming. When I said it was only one week...I guess I was wrong. Josh did not adore me, and there was a huge part of me that really wanted him to realize that he should at least try for the amount of time he was away?

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 59

2010-03-28T11:24:00.000-07:00

Protecting my own heart started to become an issue. I reconnected with an old friend, and he was very generous in his compliments to me. It felt so good, but I knew it wasn't right. Nothing bad had happened, but the attention scared me. Josh, of course, said he didn't worry. Wow, when was I going to have a husband who cared about protecting me? I had to keep protecting myself, for now. Josh certainly wasn't worried. He said he never thinks I would have a problem. Well, I believe ANYone can have a problem, if in the wrong place and the wrong time.....or the right place at the right time? If you do not guard your heart, you are NOT immune. If you think you are, you are lying to yourself.

I really wanted to have my fit. I didn't want to do this, in the flesh. BUT Satan attacking me in my weakness was exactly what he wanted.

No pit is so deep that He is not deeper still. Lord, I come to You right now on behalf of my relationship with Josh. Cause discouragement to be gone, cause Josh to realize that in You he can find all he needs .Help him to hear Your voice, allow him to continue on the road to healin. Lead him to the place where he is asking for help from others, besides me. I come against the attack of Satan, right now, in bringing discouragement. The fight has to continue. Lord, help him. Surrougn him with men to help him keep his guard up. Anytime I bring up something we disagree on, may Josh realize the extent of my hurt. Pour grace on my words, may we both be humble in God's sight.

I wanted to make sure we didn't allow temporal happiness to take precedence over the possibilty of eternal damnation. This was a work that needed to be complete, not clouded by instant gratification.

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 58

2010-03-27T11:10:00.000-07:00

Money was a problem; so much of Josh's lifestyle had racked up a lot of bills. Subscriptions had to be canceled, and I was faced with seeing more an more of the things he had done. He wasn't completely repentant of the things he had done. He was sorry for hurting me. (sometimes) BUT he was happy about and glad he got to experience this for himself. He had no deep regret; I prayed for "someday!" Silently taking it all in and writing in my journal was the only way to cope with the sorrow my heart felt. Brokeness, Lord, I pray for brokeness at the thought of hurting You!

Josh called me, out of the blue, to ask me to pray with him. I am so glad he was reaching out. It was a glimpse of how weak he was, and his complete lack of self-control. It was hard to fight someone else's spiritual battles, but I was so glad that he was actually trying to fight and not alone!

Lord, give Josh a hunger and a burden to spend time with You and in Your Word. Lord, You will lead him through this when he seeks Your face. Convict his heart to allow others to set some boundreies where THEY feel it's necessary. Allow others to help align his compass.

Wanting boundries, oh, yes, I did! Wanting him to stop looking on Craig's list. I wasn't going to beg to protect him, but I do wish he wanted it. He wanted protection, but he wanted it his way. He didn't want other people's wisdom. I had to acknowledge things were gradually getting better, at least liveable.

I had to give it all I had, never give up, never let up. Deliverance comes through abodeience and the fight is never won through halfheartedness. I must fight...UNTIL!!

The Lord still worked on my pride, too! Would I embrace the Lord's visitation in humility as much as in power? Feasting on God's Word was the only way I continued in my journey.

Questions of ministry and the steps he needed to take to reclaim his position caused my heart to ache. It was only 2 weeks; why did he think it would be that easy? Why was it even a question? In fact, didn't he say he hated ministry? Didn't he say he was "made" to be a pastor? Oh, yes, I still replayed the lies in my head; I knew the truth. I wondered during these times if he even remebered his own words?

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 57

2010-03-26T10:59:00.000-07:00

November 25th, the Lord's Day....I felt so refreshed. God was working in my life, even if I didn't feel it or see it. I have experienced the miracle of ANSWERED PRAYER!!! Thank you, Lord!!

Josh sang a song in church that he had written many years prior. He had asked special permission. To explain what happened during that song would be an understatement. The Holy Spirit was doing a work, for sure. Josh apologized to the congregation for living a lie; it was a step in the journey, that I will never forget. Things still needed to be broken, but we were definitely moving forward. God was definitely breaking Josh in to pieces.

After this service, however, Satan turned the heat up. We fought for like 2 hours; Josh said a lot of hurtful things. He mentioned wishing he had never even come home; how everything was my fault. Maybe I am just too hard to please? The cliche of the "grass is greener on the other side," well, Josh said that was right on!

As I gained control of my feelings, without the overwhelming ups and downs, Josh felt things were going great. If I lost control, well, it was all my fault. If I could keep my attitude in check, then we would get through this just fine. My life felt like such a lie; Josh felt our recovery was based on my not feeling. We had so far to go.

The next day, however, was a pleasant surprise. I saw a glimmer of hope; Josh didn't completely pull away. As I pushed him away, he actually moved closer. It was refreshing. I was scared to death! Was this real?

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 56

2010-03-25T10:41:00.000-07:00

A day of thanksgiving: Thank you, Lord, for bringing my miracle home. The birth of my dream took time; the road to recovery has lots of bumps. BUT I have my husband home, may I never forget that this is my dream. Babies are never independent, first off. Thank you, Lord, for Your continual strength that allows me to make this journey without falling apart. I wish Josh could see how weak I feel. My heart, Lord, You are my lover. My loneliness is only decreased in You. I feel so disconnected from Josh. My day will come, Lord. This is only a season and You see it complete. Lord, continue to be my husband; my guide; may You conitnue to erase my fears. Allow me to be the lover that Josh needs; may he see Your love throuhg me. May he learn to lean on You by watching me lean on You. Thank you, Lord, for what You have done with brining life back into my dead marriage. The years that Satan has stolen; God, You are restoring. You are the God of restoration!!

Psalm 130: Wait on the Lord!
Psalm 130: 8 And He sall redeem Israel from all his iniquities.

Some days felt so good, like we made progress. Josh felt he was doing better, but, of course, I worried he was just hiding his feelings. He had done this so many times, since he knew the "process" as well as I did. His computer and second phone were still with him, everyday. I just knew that some things would have to be given up in order for progress to REALLY happen.

Josh told me I was priority, all along. Yes, he believed that lie. I sometimes felt like quitting; he told me I needed to work on being more sexy, more available. Wow! I mean, really? Some days I felt we took MORE steps backwards. I was continually being informed of things I needed to change, in order to make sure this never happened again. Was I the one at fault here?

Reminding myself that I needed to leave an example for the kids kept me going. I can show them how to love like Christ loves, but I did pray that someday they would see a wonderful, ideal, loving marriage, too! None of this was ever what I expected.

Being submissive and helpful and supportive were all things I could do, but I didn't have any desire to worry about Josh making his own mistakes. He needed to make his decision and lead; I would follow. The desire to be his "Holy Spirit" was gone. I almost felt like I didn't care. I felt horrible feeling this way about the love of my life, the man I cared so much about. I cared about his soul, but I didn't care to work about making him happy. He never noticed when I did try. I worried about getting pregnant again; did I want more children with this man? Did I want the risk of being left alone with more children?

God continually worked on my heart, answering all of my questions. The size of my family was NOT for me to decide. And my marriage was in God's hands, this wasn't new. My feelings for Josh were a continual battle, but they were temporary. Allowing God to keep me soft was so painful. Worrying about being left alone was only the devil causing fear.

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 55

2010-03-24T10:38:00.000-07:00

Keeping my attitude right was a constant battle for me. I had to make sure that things Josh did, which had nothing to do with him leaving did not make me mad. My lawn still wasn't mowed, this was after two months. His junk was all over; the mattress pad he bought for them was left on the table as a constant reminder for almost 2 weeks. He had a pile of things to go to the garage, things from while he was gone.

I was so glad my mom had come for a visit; Josh thought because he was home that he was officially meeting my needs again. He really had no idea? The snapping at me for every little thing was so overwhelming at times. Working on being available and no being as cold as I felt was something God worked on with me, DAILY! God helped me, and reminded me that someone like Josh...broken could not help anyone.

Josh wanted me to know how badly he felt for the other woman, since her husband was just not there for her. She had to empty her own trash; her husband was always busy, working. She was neglected emotionally. It never crossed his mind how he treated me. It just shows how sick a person can get, in
justifying their behavior.

God wanted us together; I knew it. Satan still used Josh to speak death, constantly. When he had a bad day he would still tell me how he wished he had just met her before me. And, yes, friends, this was after a week of being home. I wondered if this would ever feel right again.
The kids were doing a bit better now, not as much crying. We kept a good attitude in front of them; Josh was pretty good at pretending. I am not sure they saw the same changes I did; Josh never asked how my day was or what we did. All of those texts I got when he was gone were completely non-existent now; I was more disconnected than before.

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 54

2010-03-24T10:26:00.000-07:00

It's been a few days; the Lord has really been dealing with me. It's hard to write this part of the story, almost harder than the previous. Maybe because some of this seems unbearable to think of telling someone to "deal with!" How do you counsel someone to stay in a marriage that seems that it's going no where? The Lord has lead me to finish telling the story; it needs to be written. AND you need to know some of how bad it got, so that you can REALLY see how GOD can take something seemingly dead and raise it back to life.

Wanting Josh to be accountable was something I so badly wanted, but it wasn't going to happen because of my own doing. He lied to everyone anyway, so why would I put him in a position to lie? The pride that had so engulfed Josh was still very evident, in fact, he almost took pride in how strong of a Christian he had "helped" me to become? We were all so strong, and he helped us get there? The pride was sickening.

Josh never took in to account my feelings on our sexual relationship, in fact, he could only think about himself, in this aspect. AND because I had purposed to be his wife in any area, I gave it to God. His mind was so distorted, but I knew I had to be there for him. He had no problem with lusting after me, and it felt so wrong. He had no desire to make me happy, no desire to win my heart back. My heart was so wounded; my feelings for him were NOT the same. Many days he left for work without even a kiss; he just left. BUT I promised God I would be in this FOREVER. I felt hopeless, however, and I needed God more than ever.

Josh's idea of reconciliation was really just doing it his own way; he said he knew what it would take. He agreed to no contact with the other woman, but it didn't matter that somehow phone calls, e-mails, or an occasional stop at her work to drop a bottle of wine creeped in. I felt we were going no-where. I got on the phone to all of the family; we just needed to pray, like he wasn't home, yet! It was really that bad.

He continually battled feelings for her, and sometimes thought it would be a good idea to share them with me. Talking about how cute their kids would have been seemed to get brought up frequently, but I think I was just numb to it. I felt bitterness creeping in, and I was drained and exhausted. I felt I was carrying a huge load, and I was so tired. The bitterness was taking it's toll, because I felt I couldn't cope with him constantly. If it felt bad before it felt worse now.

Prayer was the only thing that was going to change this thing; both of these people were so sick. They said they didn't want to keep it going, but they did. These bonds had to be broken!! Josh needed to start making a daily choice.

November 20th, Josh asked me on a date. My mom was coming for a visit, and we thought it would be good to go out. One of Josh's clients had given him a gift certificate for us to use, and he had saved it. (yes, saved it for us) We made an agreement to NOT talk about the mess while were out. It was pleasant enough. Baby steps....

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 53

2010-03-21T14:48:00.000-07:00

The way up is down; to lay hold you must let go; to be filled you must become empty. I did not know all of the answers, but I did know that God had gotten me through so much already. He could see me through this, too!

I wanted a husband who desired me in a pure way, but it was going to be a long road. I felt so used, but I was his wife. I would be that in any way he needed.

Josh called the other woman's husband and apologized for his behavior; he called her father and apologized, as well. He had set up some boundries, but it was still heart-wrenching that he wanted to be with her over me. He struggled those first couple weeks with NO CONTACT, but by this time I had staked my claim.

I went to her house, and I talked with her. I told her he was sick and to leave him alone. Of course, she promised. BUT she was sick, too! So, it didn't help all of that much. They continued to have contact, but after she got it through her head how stupid it was, she contacted me to let me know that he had called her again. That was it.....last time! I let him know that I knew, and he never did it again. Step ONE, down......sorta.

I still had to listen to the garbage...about wishing he had met her 10 years ago, then he wouldn't be dealing with any of this mess. Now do you see why I called this HELL WEEK? I knew, to a degree, what I was getting myself into when I said he could come home in ANY condition.

If I had said NO when he asked to come home.....he would have walked away, for good! Everything I had said would have been a lie, now I had to walk it out!

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 52

2010-03-20T14:32:00.000-07:00

Preliminary testing for the police academy was in Santa Maria, so we drove together, as a family! Did Josh remember what it was like to have ALL of us? Having a big family can cause lots of unwanted stresses, but that's life. I loved it; he used to.....did he still?

Romans 4:21 And being fully persuaded that what he had promised; He was able to perform. I said it...OVER AND OVER. I said it when I found out he went to her house, AGAIN. I said it when he went by her work to drop off a bottle of wine. I said it when he called her. I said it when he e-mailed her. I said it when I asked him NOT read her response.....oh, God, what had I done!! Was it YOU that asked me to do this?

2 Corinthians 10:5 "EVERY thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ!" I had to work on this constently. All of the questions: Was they good cooks? Were they REALLY better women? Were they really that good in bed? Were they skinny? Were they good moms?

Josh came home because it was right, not because of me. He continually commented on ways I could be like her, and he would rather be having fun with her. He wanted to plan her birthday. He wished he could go out. He talked about how we couldn't get pregnant again, since it was an accident with Levi? I hated hearing him talk like the world! Those were lies. He agreed that he hurt me, but I don't think he saw how badly or how deeply. Having him back made me not want to fight! Yes, I fought for 3 months but having him home made it feel worse! What was I going to do?

Josh wanted us to move on, to talk about when he would get his ministry back, how to move forward and grow closer? He wanted to talk about it now, but he didn't want to do anything about it. He kept his second cell phone; he took his computer to work with him, still, and he still spent time on the phone with "friends!"

As he moved more of his things back to the house it seemed more permanent, but I was still so hurt. He didn't want me to meet his landlords, because he had said we were getting a divorce. It made no sense to them, since Josh was so wonderful....I must not be worth it? He told them he was going to give it another try. Wow...what a journey. It was SO far from being over!!!

Lord, I need You!

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 51

2010-03-19T14:23:00.000-07:00

Josh called; we talked for 40 minutes. He was coming home!!!! It didn't feel right, but it was a step. I knew that my prayers were answered, but this was just the beginning. I was going to have to get even more desperate. The real fight was just beginning. Satan wants my family, and I cannnot let him have it.

My trust in the Lord and Him helping me keep my lips zipped-my judgements-I can take these to God. I needed to allow God to continue healing and leading me to where He wants.

Josh told the kids he was coming home; they could not have been happier. I called my mom and Josh's parents. It seemed to unreal; this was what we waited for. Our lives had been on hold, and this WAS it. I told my mom that I believed he would come home, but that I only believed him because he had told the kids. If it had just been me I knew he would have changed his mind. He had hurt me enough, but he told them. He would be home. BUT his heart was FAR from home.

He requested some time to say good-bye to the other woman. WHAT do I do, God? How do I handle this? Can I trust you with how close I am to getting what I asked for? Yes, I still had doubts! I gave it to God.

Josh came home in the flesh, but he was struggling with wanting his life in the world. This was going to be one HUGE battle. Jael spent most of the day crying; she is so wounded.

This next week was what I would call, "Hell Week!" I had been talking with my mom for HOURS upon HOURS every night, and no more! How could I sit and cry for hours with my husband around again? I had no one to talk to, and all of the emotion. I also knew that if anyone knew what the week was going to hold......would they think I was crazy?

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 50

2010-03-19T14:15:00.000-07:00

November 15, 2007

"If you believe in the power of prayer...PRAY....I don't know what is happening to me...but PRAY!"

I received that text from Josh! He said, "tell everyone we know!" BUT don't call me....I made sure everyone I knew was praying. I dropped to my knees and prayed like I had never prayed before. I had no words; I know that I only spoke in tongues. I knew God was doing something, but I had nothing to say! BUT I had to pray...DO IT, LORD!!

Apparently, the other woman had seen me in Albertsons, saw me with the children and said she couldn't do it anymore. She broke it off with him. He was not going to take no for an answer, so he immediatly tryed to win her back. He was not ready to give up.

In between her receiving an e-mail from him begging her and promising marriage and moving away, and her response to this e-mail......GOD got a hold of his heart. Josh was at work, and he started crying uncontrollably. He knew he had a choice. He could submit to this or forever turn his back. He had a choice.

My Husband Rocks~Friday

2010-03-19T12:29:00.000-07:00

We have been under attack this week; I don't know if it's because we are coming to the end of our story or what? BUT I do know this, God is stirring something up in Josh. He is moving in ways we cannot see. I absolutely love how the Holy Spirit moves in Josh's heart, like never before. He stands confused at times, and he can only ask God to either reveal Himself or give him a peace. It's refreshing.

This weekend Josh fixed the breaks on his car, and he spent time trying to work up the figures on starting a business. I am excited, for him, as he continues doing what he needs for his project. I, also, love that I have a mechanic for a husband. He is thinking through so many aspects; thinking ahead is something I adore.

Josh took Jael on a Daddy-daughter date on Monday. I love seeing my daughter grow up with the security she has in being a princess, loved by her daddy. Her daddy gives her a picture of THE FATHER, and I can't be more grateful. Having worried about what the future would hold for her, I am thrilled to see that things are better than ever.

Since there wasn't one thing that Josh did this week that stood out above the rest, I had to put it all. Thanks for being amazing, Josh.

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 49

2010-03-18T14:05:00.000-07:00

Was I anymore shocked? No!!! I am not sure what Josh was so scared of my finding out, but it didn't seem that bad to me??? (in comparison) For him, however, it was....and I found out! His worst fear? The only thing for me was.....God is MORE than able. Josh is going to receive help, ask forgiveness, humble himself, and repent. I just knew it. He was SO mad that I found out his secret. NO MORE SECRETS NOW!! Was God opening up the door? Would he walk through, and would he slam it shut.

November 14, 2007, I was on my way to church. I was driving by Albertsons, and I saw her car. I turned back around; I wanted to see her. I knew what she looked like, but I wanted her to see me. I wanted her to see all 4 kids, and I wanted her to see how pretty and put together and happy! Unloading all of us took some time, but I did it.

We walked into the store, and I realized she was checking out. I stepped back towards the door, and I saw someone I knew. I really had hoped to avoid that, but it wasn't going to happen. I wanted to watch her, and I wanted to see her walk out. As it happened, I had wasted me time. This lady I had seen was so loud and talkative, so I spent the next 15 minutes chatting with her. She walked out of the store, and I missed her leaving. Oh, well! Off to church......

Ice Cream at Cold Stone after church was a sweet surprise. 15 of us headed over to enjoy an after-church snack. A young lady asked me how things looked with Josh coming home, and I said, "Horrible on the outside, but the outward circumstances are NOT going to predict WHEN he comes home!" I specifically told her that I believed it was just going to HAPPEN, and it would surprise us all. Talking like that ALWAYS encouraged me...DEEP down!!

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 48

2010-03-17T13:54:00.000-07:00

The background investigator had conducted his last interview with Josh, and so, Josh called me. He talked and talked. He wanted me to know all about the red flags they had for him. he said they weren't concerned about his living situation. He gave me more forms to fill out. It was so hard for me, but I was asked to talk about who he was. I didn't know what to write. I could not say he had integrity. Do I believe he wants to...yes! Do I believe he can...yes! Does a man make mistakes and sin....yes? BUT integrity means you have to be willing to own up to those mistakes and FIX them. He is, at the moment, not willing to fix anything. What do I do?

Josh admitted to me that his relationship is a mistake and wrong, but he doesn't want to change it. How do you live life like that? You know your not okay. He mentioned having a dream about me finding things "out!" What ELSE was I going to find out? I was a tad bit nervous, but I couldn't imagine being any more shocked? BUT it was something that scared HIM? It's probably the part of him that wants things to be right in his life, but he doesn't want to make the choice. Right now he is unwilling to do the work necessary. He says he is "Daring God!" OOOO, was I ever scared for him!

NewHope4Josh came into his life about 3 weeks prior to this, and it was really messing with him. He asked me who it was that was texting him. Well, I had no idea, really! I told him so. He asked if I would figure it out. I tried, and I failed the FIRST time. I told him I didn't know.

Of course, I was very curious to find out who was texting my husband Scripture. I finally figured it out, but by this time he wasn't asking me WHO it was, since I said I didn't know. I didn't tell Josh's parents WHO it was, to keep the identity secret. No way to lie, if you don't know. As time went on we all figured out who, except for Josh.

Sometimes it REALLY bothered him, and at other times I think it was exactly what he longed for......someone to NOT give up.

I prayed against divorce. It was over 3 months, and it felt like things were scary close to turning. I refused to allow Satan a door into my family. He would not attack the lefact of marriage that I wanted to pass down. Lord, you hate divorce, and I hate divorce. You said, "anything" I ask in Your name believing.........

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 47

2010-03-16T13:36:00.000-07:00

I received a medal of honor; I cried! What an honor! A gentleman in our church received it while in the military for his courage and valor. He explained that you must be in combat for at least 90 days to even receive it. I had not even thought about the fact that I had been battling for at least 90 days. God used so many things to encourage me in my fight. I didn't want to fight, but I had to. I could not have done it without the support of others. Someday, though, I would receive recognition and appreciation form my husband, too! I just knew it.

I sang a song at church that Sunday. A song that Josh had written prior to leaving. I sat a cried the day I found the words. I wrote music to it, and then sang it. Josh found out, and he asked if I would sing it form him. Why would he even want to hear it? Why did he pay more attention to me now, then he did before? I sang it for him, praying that the words HE wrote would penetrate all of the dark places.

Josh said he cared about the kids and what they thought. It was such a lie! Later that day the truth came out he e-mailed me with this: "I cared too much what other people thought and now I don't care at all!" Now THIS was the truth. He might wish he cared, because he should. BUT he really didn't.

Ultimately it's about caring what God thinks. If you care about what God thinkg you would not look like anything less in other people's eyes, and if you do then it's their problem.

May Josh receive a new heart a heart that is concerned only about what God thinks. May he realize the self-ceterdness will do him no good. May his heart be turned back to his children. Thank you, Lord, for removing the heart of stong and replacing it with a heart of flesh. May he realize the shame and guilt and lack of peace will never go away unless he ambraces You and starts caring about what You think.

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 46

2010-03-15T13:29:00.000-07:00

Most evenings I spend with Josh's parents, and then I would drive home by myself. I had no one to protect me but God. It was good and comforting, but it didn't change the fact that I longed for the arms that were around someone else. It made me sad, angry, and sick. AND even madder when I saw the hurting and suffering that my children felt.

Josh had not spent any time with the kids the whole week; his schedule was just getting too busy. So sad to watch. He seemed to forget that he always said he wanted be at home; he didn't like to go out! These friends that he went out with all of the time didn't realize he was living a lie. AND complaining about how horrible your life was, well, that was a lie, too!

November 11, was the official day I resigned from the title of "Lady Serena!" I told the church that I needed to be available to Josh, not as a pastor's wife, but as his wife. I wanted my standing for my miracle to match up my life and actions. I cryed....the whole church cryed.

By this time, the other woman was spending weekends at Josh's place. A few times I got the courage to text him, "Good morning!" I knew she was there, but I wanted him to feel uncomfortable.

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 45

2010-03-14T13:13:00.000-07:00

November 8, 2007, I called Josh and apologized to him for the times where I was unresponsive and unavailable to him sexually. I told him that I may not remember them as well as he does, but that's because they didn't affect me like they did him. I never felt that I was unavailable, but if he felt that I was, then I was truely sorry. He forgave me. He said I was the most confusing woman he knew. He said I was was making it very diffficult on him with how to deal with him.

Yes!!! I do think that's funny; it wasn't my intention. I didn't actually want to speak to him at all. It's very hard for me to admit I had anything to do with our marriage problems. I did know for sure that I had to fill the voids in my life with God, not other things. I prayed that Josh would have no peace with his decisions until he allowed God to fill the voids in his life.

Satan was on the attack; I think he saw Josh wavering. The SAME day that this phone call happened I saw Josh kissing in the parking lot. My heart sank like you cannot imagine. All the children were with me, but thankfully their eyes were blinded to it. They never saw him.

Our FIRST kiss was on our wedding day, how did he do this? I mean, obviously, I knew...but to SEE it! I could hardly catch my breath. By this time Josh knew that he looked bad in my eyes, but he was still a little disturbed about the realities of his children thinking that he wasn't their hero.

I didn't even cry when I saw him. I was so scared!!! Had I given up?

Josh knew I saw him, and he had to know how it would make me feel. As far as he was concerned, though, by evening it should all be forgotten. On with more police paperwork. My mind, however, could not get over the $75 in flowers he had bought from her. My rent wasn't paid. Was this his way of showing me that if I got flowers he was going to make sure he bought some too? He had flowers delivered! In 8 years of marriage he had never had flowers delivered to me?

No matter how wonderful she made him feel how could he do this? What happened to his promise to me? It didn't matter if he made the biggest mistake of his life by marrying me; you don't get to change your mind?

This is why I knew Josh had to get it right with God. He decided that God didn't matter, so if God didn't matter how can a marriage vow you made to God matter?

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 44

2010-03-13T13:02:00.000-08:00

Lord, you give me strength and courage to continue in my calling. In 2 Kings, the Shunamite woman wanted a child so deeply, when he died she still declared, "It is well!" Even in the death of her son, if she could do this then when faced with a dead marriage I can declare, "It is well!" He was brought back to life again because of the attitude of her heart. She spoke life into her dead situation. I wanted LIFE in my dead marriage.

Josh continued to ask for my help in regards to filling out background information for the police job, and it never made sense to me how many things he asked me to do....but with no thanks! He was so mean-spirited. You would think he would try to be nice, since he was asking me to do so many things for him. He only got worse.

November 7, I could NOT sleep. I spent a lot of the night praying. Mom overheard Josh blessing Abishai: "You are a man of God, always listen and obey God!" Wow! God was not letting go of the parts of Josh that were still His. Josh was horrible to me the day before, so I wonder if he was feeling guilty about it. The meaner Josh got, the quieter I became. God was working on me. What did I contribute in the problems with this marriage?

Had I been too judgemental?
Did I overeat?
Did I have low self-worth?
Did I lack an intimate relationship with God?
Did I have a bad body image?
Did I have uncontrolled spending?

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 43

2010-03-12T12:46:00.000-08:00

Set Christ before you and endure..........my motto!

Josh decided to tell me about how this was the "worst time in his life!" Hey, wait! The worst time of YOUR life??? You had a choice? Why don't you change it, then. He's the only one who can? And he is making his children go through hell, too!

Sexually deprived, that was his biggest complaint. If everything was fine, well, that he should be having the best time of his life. You know, it's all lies. You can't keep up the efforts. Josh was putting so much time into this relationship; he would never be able to keep it up. The last time he had bought me flowers had been years, and he was spending money on "the best!" He was using a lot of energy on a lie, and he was going to get worn out. I just knew it. He never wanted to be a part of her whole family; he didn't want her children. He just wanted fun, well, what woman in her right mind wanted THAT kind of man. She would just have to find that out.....

Josh felt she had his best interests at heart, and he continued to let me know that she was amazing. I never understood how he respected her?

I had to focus on TODAY, battle through TODAY, pray through TODAY. The past questions were really wearing me out.

Reveal to me in Your Word who You are. Thank you for allowing me to come into Your presence. I am a work in progress, and You are always working on me, if I let You. Change my heart, O God, renew a right spirit in me. Cast me not away, Lord, and take not thy Holy Spirit from me. I will praise You, Lord, for You are in control, and You have perfect timing. Lord, keep my mind steadfast on You. Keep me from being double-minded. Open the floodgates of heaven over Josh.

Isaiah 42:16

New International Version

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.

Lord, please do not forsake my family. Lead us in ways we could not imagine.

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 42

2010-03-11T12:34:00.000-08:00

Another Sunday! Lord, help! I am hurting and I need You more today. Be my husbad; my love; my protector; my friend.

Josh decided to show up at church, and he was as acold as ever. He was so shallow and unconfident. His broad shoulders had sunk. Dad took him in the office, as a pastor, and talked with him--he didn't respond to anything.

Lunch at our favorite restaurant had turned extremely awkward. I could not, would not sit with him for lunch. So, I got a separate table. I definitely wanted the kids to eat with him, so it was fine. Mom and Dad ate with me, and I just wondered how he must feel? He appeared embarrased to tell the waitress that we were separate; I wondered if she knew? I needed to keep my distance from him; I was hurting too much. He quickly finished lunch, as he was going to her house after.

A good friend at church had taken an interest in me, and was getting to be a concern. He was extra nice, and he felt sorry for me. I enjoyed the compliments, especially the one about looking better after having kids then before. I would have loved to hear Josh say that and believe he really meant it. Josh always wanted me skinnier; he was never satified with me. He wasn't always openly rude, but I could tell. Once he left, he couldn't have been more hateful about my weight. He said, "I would have passed you on the street and never given you a second look!" Ouch!! How mean!! Remember, though, in order to justify your behavior you HAVE to throw blame on someone else. Josh grew more and more hateful in his comments.

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 41

2010-03-10T12:23:00.000-08:00

I tried not to focus on "her," but since we heard from her dad it was hard not to have it send me whirling. Did he tell her how often he really text me? Was he honest that he had NEVER discussed divorce with ME? Did he tell her that he was never getting rid of me, ever? Did she know that he had access to the kids almost anytime he wanted?

Papa took all of the kids to go get donuts; it was Diego's birthday. This was the first family function that Josh was not invited, to! I knew he wasn't happy, but I didn't know if he was mad. Did he realize how deep the hurt was for people? We all dealt differently with it, but we ALL hurt.

Those days made me think and pray harder....help him to realize what he was missing. Did he want to come home but couldn't figure out how or was he still willfully rebellious and not wanting to change at all? I automatically assumed willful, as he would just get so upset with one more person disapproving of his relationship. He honestly wanted us all to be happy for him.

People still managed to find ways to let me know that they saw Josh behaving badly. I never did mention my thoughts to them about WHY they were in the same places, figured God could handle that one. Apparently Josh made a REAL fool out of himself on his birthday, in fact, people actually got on the phone to call friends to come check out the "pastor!" He said he didn't care about the shame; it didn't bother him. Rumors continued to flow. People calling people to get information. Did Josh leave the church and start his own church? Did Josh leave his wife because she was horrible? She was mean, so probably was hard for him.....the lies that flowed from the lips of those who called themselves Christian. I was broken down more than I could have ever imagined and yet, secure. God was so good to me.

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 40

2010-03-09T11:59:00.000-08:00

God did things that would I could have NEVER imagined. Josh's Dad called me because he had received a phone call from the other woman's father? Yes, her father!! What grown woman's dad gets in her business, other than mine? No, really, I was shocked. Dad met with her father, and he explained that his daughter was raised better than this. What? Seriously! Two people with the same spirits; Satan had made SURE they found each other. God was showing us that he was putting up more and more roadblocks. God was trying to show Josh he cared, but Josh wasn't seeing it. If anything, it only caused the rebellion to increase.

For me, though, it was more confirmation that God was hearing my prayers, that he was NOT letting go! Even if Josh thinks he is comfortable with his choices, or that his family isn't bugging him, as much!! God was going to show him that he wasn't ever going to find peace with his decisions.

Her Dad filled in some blanks for us, and we found that Josh's big scare was that his daughter had been drugged! UGH!!! What were they doing?? He was so concerned; he took such great care in making sure she was well taken care of.....he just didn't care about the hurt he was causing to me? I wanted to throw up! Josh told her parents that he was getting a divorce. They were not happy to find out that this was NOT the case, because now they felt he lied to them.

I wondered if he ever told the other woman how often he talked to me? Did he tell her he wants me to be his friend? Why would he tell her parents that his parents pastored a church? Did he not care that they didn't approve? Did he cringe inside, or did he believe his own lies? Did he want to be called out? Did he want to get caught?

Her Dad called Josh. Part of me really hoped it would make a "dent" in Josh's head. BUT, then again, I also knew that unless Josh had a heart change it really didn't matter. Her dad wanted Dad to talk some sense into him....we had spend 3 months trying to do that; it wasn't going to work. His was shocked to hear that his own daughter would treat me in the way that she had. He apologized.

I prepared my heart to have the circumstances "not" line up with what the Holy Spirit was doing behind the scenes. Josh was destermined to get a lot of mud in his face. I could only pray that Josh would realize his soul was being sought after by God--on our behalf.

Thank you, Lord, for your reassurance that you do go after that one lost sheep.

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 39

2010-03-08T11:59:00.000-08:00

Satan wanted Josh deceived, so he felt GREAT! He got support from perfect strangers. People who had nothing invested in him. To say I didn't want him feeling miserable would be a lie; I had those days, and I hated it.

I had mixed feelings on Josh getting this police job, but I never wanted him to blame me for not getting the job. I, of course, wanted him to do something he loved. He was just confused on what that was; I don't think he knew what he loved. Struggling with how things would be when he came home seemed like something to keep my mind occupied; did I want him landscaping? Was it safe to have that much free time? BUT was he a fit for a job that should be someone with integrity? The investigator never did call me back. He was fine with my explanation that I would rather NOT be invovled unless absolutely necessary. I wanted them to make there decision aside from my comments. I didn't know this man. He didn't care about anything but himself.

It was almost three months; the kids and I felt like it was forever. They did still hope that "tomorrow" would be "the day!" BUT they also lived for their next dinner with Daddy.

The kids needed some clothes and shoes, and I needed to get dog food. My $100 a week was not covering everything, so I called Josh. He gave me the credit card he got; yes, the card that he used to pay for his liefestyle. I bought the kids some winter pajamas, as the house WAS a bit chilly. BUT I wasn't about to admit it. When I returned the card I remembered to thank him and appreciate his hard work on providing for his family. Ohh, was that EVER hard. I just wanted to scream. BUT I needed to appreciate the good qualities, and this WAS one of them. I think it through him off guard. He slipped as we said good-bye...."I'll see you later, when I get off!" He looked at me and said, "I guess I'll talk to you later!" His eyes told a different story for a moment! He DID feel something. God WAS working; it might have only been for an instant. God let me see it!

This situation was impossible to man, but it was impossible 12 weeks ago, too! So, it's still impossible. NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD!! The more hopeless things felt the more I knew that God was right there.

After that slip it caused my mind to whirl....does Josh think life is good for us? Does he think we are okay without him? Does he realize that a kiss over the phone for the kids might be enough to make him happy, but they are hurt? Does he want to fix this? Is he too pridefuly to come back right now or is he still having more "fun" sinning and hurting his family?

Those thoughts would overwhelm me and God would remind me that even the little things would bring "home" back to Josh's memory. Any form he would fill out in the future would bring his family back to his mind. If I remained calm in God, then he would only have good things to think about. I would NOT give him anything to justify his behavior.

Story of Hope and Restoration-Part 38

2010-03-07T16:13:00.000-08:00

I continued to learn how to stay in God's presence once it had been "ushered" in, not just be satisfies that his presence showed up but really resting in WHO He is. I saw Josh tonight; he was parking in front of "her" house! It was Halloween. It was hard; it was the first time I had seen him there. It's hard being faced with it, even when you know it happens. He mentioned being broken-hearted over his decisions. How did I not see it? It didn't seem that way to me? Was he getting closer or was it the "God-part" that was still alive? He celebrated Halloween....I was so upset! Why? I have no idea...you cheat on your wife; you sleep with another man's wife....how big of a deal is celebrating Halloween? I would try to put it all into perspective.

A hungry hear inside a man with an unbowed head (mind) and an unbroken (unsubmitted) will is recipe for misery.

He HAD to be miserable. My Dad would remind me that no matter how much Josh did in the world he KNEW what was right. My Dad said Josh was definitely miserable. I remember the day I shared with my Dad what was going on; it took me a long time. I didn't want to face my childhood hurts, and I knew when I told my dad it would be brought up. Josh was acting EXACTLY like my dad. I had to wait until I could handle my own emotions. When I was ready it was the best timing. It was God's timing. Emotionally I was better able to share my story, and I talked for over an hour. My Dad was comforting, and he was ready and willing to be where I needed him. I didn't want him to come, but I really feel that he helped me understand that Josh was NOT happy, no matter how many lies he might tell.

On the rare occasion that he didn't talk to the children he would get really upset and accuse me of keeping them from him. I am not sure he realized the amount of work that I had to do to keep their hopes alive and I was the one who prayed over their attitudes towards him, when they were mad. It was a handful of time that he didn't get to talk with them, and that day he SAW them. I refused to engage him in a fight over it. The more I backed down from him, the more irritated he got.

He was not happy about not knowing every detail of our lives. Going out with four children didn't seem to keep me at home all of the time, like he assumed. I could have fun and have friends without him. I got flowers from someone and he didn't know who gave them to me. He was visibly upset.

Story of Hope and Restoration-Part 37

2010-03-07T15:59:00.000-08:00

The day for Josh's police interview had arrived. I know it's exciting for him. I wonder if he has the support he wants? Maybe he felt he had everything he needed? I prayed he did well?

Sometimes I wanted to say the kids could not go to dinner with him, but I couldn't bear to see them hurt. If he had time, I wanted them to go! Josh was so self-centered; how did someone who cared so much get so selfish. I did have to e-mail him and tell him he was NOT allowed to drink and then drive the children. If he was out with them, he could NOT drink. AND if he did, then I could pick them up. I didn't make demands on him for my sake, but I could not be responsible for his feelings being above the lives and safety of the children. I would be "happy" to drive them to wherever he wanted to eat.

Dad talked to Josh every so often; he never changed. He always tried to convince Josh to come home. I understood him wanting to do what he did--it's him. I do wish it worked!

Josh always thought taking the kids to dinner once a week would help them not be sad. I really wondered if they would ever be happy? Jael realized that Halloween was coming up soon, and she asked if he would be celebrating. Of course, he lied to her. BUT how could I tell her that?

She prayed for him, and so did Abishai. Abishai added to his normal prayer of "holding Daddy's hand tight" prayer.........a "bring Daddy home and shut the door tight!" I loved listening to their prayers! Such faith and boldness!

Story of Hope and Restoration-Part 36

2010-03-06T15:36:00.000-08:00

My first Sunday alone with the four children was emotional but God got me through. I was no longer "Lady Serena," and I felt so lonely. Dealing with friends was never easy. Everyone saw me as so strong, but my heart ached. Josh said only Christians judged, but it seemed to me that non-Christians did, too! In fact, they had little respect for him. How could I keep people from hating him? I didn't want this!

Josh's lifestyle was affecting everything around me. He called to warn me about a "scare" he had, making sure I was safe. Did he really want me out there alone? He wanted to make sure I knew I could call him if I needed help? Why did he assume I went out anyway? Did he really think I was lowering my standards to his? Did he want me to be like him? Maybe he just wanted justification? I didn't tell him where I was when he called or how often? I think it bothered him that I wasn't pregnant anymore.....and looking good!

I didn't preach at him anymore, so maybe he thought my opinions were changing? He liked dancing and drinking and staying out late. Did I think all of those things were wrong? No, but his choices made them wrong!

I was looking "hot!" AND my husband was missing out! I was not going to put myself out there, but Josh has to know that he had left me out there to be approached. He was one UNHAPPY guy when he found out I was approached!!

The church decided to have a staff meeting, and I was included. Jael was so excited, because she thought Josh might go. It never made sense when the kids would think those things, but I reminded myself that I must be doing a good job protecting them from how bad things were with Josh. They called him for their blessing and asked when they could eat dinner with him again. She started crying and Josh got mad at her. He told her top stop crying, that he wasn't coming home. She tried, and then she told him she understood that he couldn't talk for long. She acted so grown up, not wanting him to be upset with her about her crying. I cried. As soon as she hung up the phone she started bawling. I held her for a long time. She said, "I guess all I can do is pray!" "I guess so!"

Story of Hope and Restoration-Part 35

2010-03-06T15:16:00.000-08:00

Josh had not given up on applying for the police position in our town, so the police were checking his background. I was so torn on what to say. I wanted God's best for josh, and I do not want to be in the way. Maybe I wouldn't have to say anything. I really prayed that if they called I would be able to hear God speak to me about what to say.

Levi was over a week old now, and Josh didn't ask about him at all. He did want to know how I make dump cake though? He wanted to tell "someone" how to make it, since he wanted some. Was that like...I can have all my favorite thing, and I don't need you to do it for me? Very hard that he enjoyed hurting my feelings whenever he pleased? He gave no thought at all to how I felt.

Ezekiel's 2nd birthday was spent as a family. Josh wanted to go to Big Bubba's, and he wanted ALL OF US to go. I barely looked at him, but may I say......I was looking GOOD! Yes, Levi was only 9 days old, but I looked VERY nice. Josh's mom was more and more frustrated. She wanted it to be done. Didn't we all? Everyone's emotions ranged from passivity to anger. Josh ordered a Margarita for dinner. That was hard for me, as I knew he was going out later. He seemed to feel no pain?

When I wanted him to feel lonely or hurt I realized I wanted him to feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit, not the holiday or loneliness to change him. The farther he gets from God--the more cold he seems to get towards all of us. It's been over two months since he has played music.

My prayer was for me:

Cleanse me, Lord, from my doubt and unbelief. You have promised me in Your Word that anything I ask, according to Your will You would do it. I ask You, Lord, to heal the wounds that have been caused by this tragedy. I ask You, Lord, to send Your Holy Spirit to minister to my heart. Please give the children an extra measure of Your love. Please cover Levi with a blanket of love, knowing the he starts his life with You as His Father; I find comfort in that. Lord, You will bring Josh home in Your timing. Your Holy Spirit will bring brokenness and repentance. Josh will come to his senses and ask for Your help--taking back control from the devil. Be with us tonight, Lord, comforting and teaching me how to stand in You, alone.

Story of Hope and Restoration-Part 34

2010-03-05T15:08:00.000-08:00

The next day Jael woke up crying; she had a bad dream. Daddy always prayed with her and helped her stop crying. Her dream was about Josh; he was playing with her and they were having fun together, and he dropped her off at home. He never came back! She said she has it all the time. Josh wasn't a Daddy anymore; he was her father. BIG DIFFERENCE!

This was not a good start to my emotional day, but I had to keep it together. Levi was getting circumcised. Josh never mentioned it; he never called. He never said a word. Did he forget? He wasn't around for Ezekiel's either, but he at least prayed over him and blessed him. Nothing this time.....was it a gradual decline I had not seen coming? Had everything else come before family? His business and making money was more important? Dad blessed him, and he prayed over him. It was sweet, but it was just not the same. Levi was so calm, and I know God's peace was upon him.

At his circumcision he started to cry and the doctor said, "I'm sorry!" He immediately stopped crying. I said, "That's all he wanted!" The doctor said, "Yes, we could all learn to say I'm sorry more often!" I almost burst out into tears; why did everything hurt? I only wanted, "I'm sorry!"

Another Intermission

2010-03-05T15:04:00.000-08:00

As I have read over so many of these posts I have noticed so many little things that I left out. Oh, some things just break my heart. Others....well, I know they are worth mentioning.

I can't imagine where I would have been without the love and support of so many of my friends and family. Although we didn't always see eye to eye on things, I knew that they would support ME.

Some people were angry, some just hurt, some furious, some quiet. The range of emotions from everyone described my daily range of feelings.

Grandma and Janice (Josh's aunt) would give me some cash after church on Sunday to go out to eat. They did that a few times, just to help out.

Sarah, you took the whole first weekend to sit and listen to me cry. I remember telling you, "YOU TOLD ME HE WAS STUPID!" You replied, "Yeah, but not THIS stupid!" Sarah, you, hurt so badly, and I tried to shield you from some things, really, I did! BUT it wasn't always easy. I know you are reading this, and I love you......thank you for your support with loving the kids. You often took their mind off of the present circumstances. Thanks for helping me think of names for Levi....and getting the ball rolling on WHY that was a good name to pick. BUT most of all, I know underneath all of the hurt and anger was a prayer warrior, who I have NO doubt helped bring her brother home.

Joel....you were a rock!
Gana...thanks for protecting me in your prayers and suggestions.

Daja, you bore your brother's shame. What more could I ask for? I know you prayed and cryed out, and the forgiveness just flowed from you. Many times you encouraged me not to take the blame for everything. Thank you!

Mom (in love), you listened to me cry SO many times.....I am sure we lost count. I knew I could share things with you that I couldn't tell my mom. He was your son, so I knew you would ALWAYS love him. Thanks for listening and crying out on behalf of our family.

Dad (in love), thanks for taking care of your little girl. AND crying with me!! I will always think of you when I see 2:10 to Yuma. I always knew you had my back; I just needed to say the word. I know you prayed; thank you!

Mom (Newhope4Josh), you accepted Josh even when he was not easy to accept. He broke promises to you, that I know were hard. I know you had to live through some painful memories of your own, watching Josh act the way he did. Thank you for supporting me, even when I knew that sometimes it was JUST FOR ME!! In the end, you only grew stronger....and I watched the fight for my marriage take HOLD in you!!

Dad, I can't explain how hard it was to share with you what I was going through, as it brought up pain from the past. BUT you helped keep so many things in perspective, and you reminded me that a MAN OF GOD (such as Josh) would NOT EVER feel at peace unless he gave into God. Thank you!

Cara, thank you for your friendship. I feel we became friends through this time. Love ya.....thanks for keeping up with my story and always checking to see if I am doing well!

Okay, so.....that was the basic immediate family. BUT for all of you who have played a part in our story. THANK YOU. When I write, I never mean to make light of how much it meant to me. So many of you did SO much. I could take a LONG time here and write out EACH person.....because I do know who you are.

Story of Hope and Restoration-Part 33

2010-03-05T14:49:00.000-08:00

Proverbs 23:17 Let not thine heart envy sinners: but be thou in the fear of the Lord all the day long. Reveal to Josh a renewed fear and reverance of the Lord. Reveal to him his errors, and take him out of darkness. When he chooses to serve You with his whole heart and walks and worlds out his love for You--may he receive the desires of his heart. Help him to realize that promises from You have conditions and that unless he is willing to meet them--You are just and unable to meet his requests.

Every day that Josh spent at the house was more and more difficult for the children. Of course, he left during the day to go to lunch. AND then he came back? I am amazed that I stayed so calm. The kids missed him so much, each day he left they would watch him leave and then run to our bedroom window and watch until they couldn't see his car anymore.

Some days he barely spoke to him; he just sat on the couch. We pretty much just stared at each other. He was so hateful and wicked. He was so offended by how others treated him, yet he didn't care about how he treated people.

When he was gone for the afternoon I decided to start praying death to his relationship. I spoke life into her marriage, and her children. Her children needed their father as much as mine needed theirs. Satan could not work in her life, and I prayed a release of the Holy Spirit into her life. May the seeds of Christ be watered, and her eyes opened.

I had to ask Grandma to come over to the house and check out a big bruise I had from my surgery. I was a bit concerned that I had done too much. Just because Josh was at the house for a few hours a day did not mean he did everything. I didn't know how to have him around, helping me? I was getting up numerous times in the middle of the night; I needed help. BUT I was still so uneasy to ask for it, especially from Josh. I was bleeding a lot, too! I then had a bloody nose! Was I just exhausted? I never did go get checked out, but I seemed to be okay.

Josh spent a lot of time on the phone that week, which was so uncomfortable. He really had NO feelings about how he made me feel. He was cold, and I had to seek God's face. I wanted God's timing on this whole thing, but I did wish His timing WAS my timing.

The conversations we had were not what I expected, but I just asked God to tell me what to do. Most of the time that meant I listened. Josh shared with me how fun the night life was, and that friends in the world are so nice. They buy you drinks, then you buy them drinks. It's just so "fun!" It's not even expensive, he says! Hmmm!

Josh's last day was tough on the kids. They knew the next time he would come over would be for Ezekiel's 2nd birthday party. He wanted to know if Ezekiel needed anything. He wanted to know if he was interested in anything or had seen anything he wanted--so sad. He seemed to content, and it made me so sad to see him this he was happy. Was he happy?

The day he left Levi rolled over for the first time. I cried.....he would miss so many things.

Story of Hope and Restoration-Part 32

2010-03-04T14:39:00.000-08:00

I went home from the hospital in less than two days. Josh's family had the children, and I was so anxious to see them. The church was having their monthly family movie night. We decided to stop there first, to watch the movie. When I arrived Josh happened to be there. He informed me that he wasn't staying for the whole thing; he had plans. I couldn't do it. I was screaming inside, so I walked out. I was an emotional wreck, to say the least. I felt like I was at square one on the outside. Barely keeping it together seemed to be how I felt with all of those pregnancy hormones added to my already frazzled feelings.

Friends called me to let me know that they saw Josh. They wanted to know if I knew what was going on, and if I knew that people saw "them" together! It got very difficult the more time that passed. Josh made things so public. I was so afraid of the kids finding out.

Josh coming to the house to help was so wrong? He had written my mom an e-mail right after Levi was born, stating that we all needed to accept that he would never return home as my husband. He said he needed to receive from God what he asked for years ago. He had no feelings for me anymore, because he checked. He "tested" to see if he had any feelings while I was at the hospital. Oh, yeah, the hospital that I gave birth to HIS son in, the one I puked my guts out in. Yeah, that's a great place to see if you have feelings for someone. It was so childish to read his thoughts.

I wore Josh's wedding ring around my neck, because one day he came by the house and gave it to me. He wanted me to know he wasn't coming home, so I could have it. I wanted so badly to take it off. He knew I wore it. Did he deserve to know I still cared? Yes, if I was going to remain soft! Those few weeks after birth are always tough emotionally, so I just had to remain calm on the outside. Ask God to guard my words.

Lord, please help me to feel the pain and keep the right attitude. If I hurt, I know that bitterness is not taking root. I am not getting too cold. You are my Comforter. Keep resentment and bitterness far from me--for it's so easy to slip into the flesh and feel that this is going to be "forever!" I stand on Your promises. You are working on my behalf, even when I don't feel it or see it!

Story of Hope and Restoration-Part 31

2010-03-04T14:21:00.000-08:00

October 18, 2007, what a day! I had to take Jael to get an x-ray of her finger. Tio and Titi had a small accident with my baby girl. Her finger had gotten smashed in the car door. We all went for an adjustment, and then Tio got us an appointment to x-ray her finger. Titi felt so badly, and I figure it could happen to anyone. I was thrilled to have so much family always willing to help and watch the kids, whenever.

I cried! I couldn't go in with her. She was only 5, and I knew she wouldn't remember. BUT I was hurting, so badly, inside. I sent her on her way. Being pregnant, I had to sit in the lobby with the boys.

Dinner was amazing that night. I wanted to celebrate. We went to Chili's, because I knew that this would probably be the last time before the baby came that we could all go out! I had to leave all of the kids at the table so I could use the restroom. I was so nervous leaving them all alone. BUT contractions were making me VERY uncomfortable. Tio's adjustment was really working.

I went to church, and paced in the back almost the whole service. Josh kept texting to see if I was o.k. Of course, I was mildly irritated. Forgive me, but it was a bit difficult to be thinking about the future without my husband. He informed me of his whereabouts. Are you serious???? You REALLY thought I needed to know WHERE you were? You REALLY thought that I should KNOW you were at a romantic spot...a spot that for the past 7 years I have ASKED to be taken? Are you serious? Okay, STAY CALM!! I can do this!! I REFUSE to allow Satan any victory in the birth of our baby.

A lot of prayer went into this baby's life, and I was going to find joy in every minute of it. After church was over my contractions were pretty close together, so Josh came to the church. He said he felt obligated to make sure I was okay. Uh, you think? We stayed at Josh's parents house, because I was not going to be alone with him at the moment. Mom and Dad could take me the hospital; I couldn't deal with it any other way.

I kept holding off going to the hospital, waiting for people to arrive. My mom was on her way. Daja was on her way. People were going to be around me, and I couldn't have been more thrilled. We stopped at Tio's house on the way to the hospital to get another adjustment. Josh was so irritated that I was taking my time. He didn't want anything to happen to me. Yes, that WOULD have made life a bit complicated for him, if something happened to him. I got to the hospital in the early morning, maybe 2 am? Dr. Monroy wasn't exactly thrilled that I had canceled both scheduled c-sections.

I, on the other hand, couldn't have been more thrilled about having my best pregnancy ever!!! Levi was born at 5:16 am. He was a joy! Josh was in the room, and to say it was awkward would be putting it lightly. I don't even know how to describe how hard that was for me. So, I won't even attempt it.

My mom stayed with me almost the entire time. Josh was irritated about that, since he had rented a movie and bought candy for us to watch a movie together? What? A movie together? Had we EVER done that after the birth of our children? Uh, no! Actually, we were so exhausted from it that we usually slept. He was so mad!!! He offered my mom a cookie, and she refused. That made him mad, too! Wow, we just could NOT get it right with him? I guess we owed him something? I threw up almost immediately after giving birth, and that continued for almost 14 hours. I was exhausted and feeling horrible. I could not wait to go home.

I knew my emotional roller coaster was not done yet.....Josh had decided to take the week off work--to help me! What? Yeah, that's what I said!

Story of Hope and Restoration-Part 30

2010-03-03T14:12:00.000-08:00

Remember that double-minded thing I was telling you about? Well, Josh informed me that he never fought! What? You NEVER fought? Thought you said you tried and tried to stop yourself and God never helped? Which was it? You did or you didn't? See the lies? Can you believe a double-minded man?

The world offers nothing but a spot in hell. At the least....with serving God....he offers a reward for the faithful. Satan definitely has a way with discouragement and making his lies seem like truth. He mentioned never being happy. He was never happy in our marriage or family. I cannot imagine how the children would have felt hearing him say that! But, of course, Satan uses our mouths, and he was definitely using Josh's. BUT, by this time, it may have stung, but I was more quickly remembering that they were ALL lies. Plus, he was beginning to feel like he had not hurt me "that badly!" He said that since I am so strong I can take the truth.

The baby's birth was coming soon.....Josh wanted a birth plan. I guess, apparently, my plans had changed over the last three births. Honestly, I was surprised. I am sure it was his way of "caring!" I mean, he WAS trying to impress the "other woman." She felt sorry for me, so he needed to show he cared. He really was taking an interest. Sadly, more than he had most any other pregnancy. I tried not to focus on that, but the calls 3-4 times a day to "check" on me were excessive for him. He never showed an interest. I guess he was scared I might not tell him?

Story of Hope and Restoration-Part 29

2010-03-02T13:57:00.000-08:00

God promised Josh a "way of escape," but he had no intention of taking it. In fact, he whined all the more about how God never helped him. Josh felt God owed him a magic fix. If he was going to be a pastor for 7 years, then God owed him an easy answer? Didn't know what else to say...other than....nope, doesn't work that way.

He complained about having to get married so young. He never had a chance to "sow his oats!" Hmmm, who was youngest? Oh, yeah, that was ME! I gave him EVERYTHING. I went to the movies for the first time without my mother, AFTER we were married. I got married out of home-school! Anyway, keeping it in check! Watching my sarcasm. See, I told you; I was NOT perfect.

I tried not to think of the details of Josh's infidelity. I tried not to get judgmental. It just never seemed that he even TRIED for my sake? He didn't want help badly enough and he still doesn't. He never shared his struggles with anyone, even when they asked. Fine, he didn't care about himself. Why didn't he care enough about the kids and me?

To lie to yourself and believe these women really cared was foolish. In the face of horrible circumstances, such as this, God STILL has Josh's best interests. Now, that's love! With his attitude as it was I knew I had made a decision he could come home, but he was still so angry and unrepentant. He was bitter!

Josh was a little boy who really wanted love and support, but he was using sex and alcohol to cover it up. He may have thought he was getting what he wanted. Satan made sure he remembered ever little hurt from childhood. Most children would die to receive the love and care that Josh received. BUT he didn't see it that way. Josh was always trying to convince me that his "woman" was the best thing that ever happened to him. She was the only one who cared, and that she wanted him to pursue his dreams. None of us ever let him do what he wanted. He told me I should be happy for him. (can you say, sick?)

Satan had taken him captive, but the Lord says he is loosing the captives. Josh went willingly, but PRODIGALS DO COME HOME!

Story of Hope and Restoration-Part 28

2010-03-01T13:38:00.000-08:00

Josh called to check up on us, but I was emotionally spent. It seemed that when I would put a lot out and get busy I would be utterly exhausted. If I didn't have time to get in the Word it would make things even worse. I wanted to give Josh a piece of my mind. So, please, do not think that it never crossed my mind. Oh, it did! I was always keeping myself in check.

I was beginning to feel the stress of finances. My rent had not been paid in two months, but Josh was definitely able to fund his "outings!" Oh, and HIS rent. I mean.....he did have to have a place to sleep. Oh, did I mention that he bought furniture for his room and a BRAND NEW MATTRESS. You see, this was hurtful! I had never had a real mattress. We never had the money for that, so we never got one. We always had hand-me-downs. UGH! The money that was spent during this time was sinful on it's own. Josh would often bring up my spending having been a problem over the years. Do I like to shop? Yes! BUT it was so hard to listen to him talking all about my problems and see him spending money like nobody's business. I just kept quiet. I cried my tears.

I refused to be average. I have felt that I was always strong, but there is such a difference in standing strong and fighting a battle. My strength was continually drained. The realization of a "daily walk" had never been more evident in my life. The foundation of so many things I believe seemed so irrelevant. If you have convictions you better make sure they are convictions God has called you to, or else!

Josh and I have always said God would plan our family size; we would give it ALL to Him. When I would think of my children during this time it was hard not to go back to this thought. I felt such pain and responsibility for bringing four children into the world, that were not experiencing God's best for their lives. This was NOT God's best. What parts did I play in not providing. I have to even more, live daily for God or I will not be giving them God's best in this situation either. What a burden to bear! I cast all of my cares upon You. I cannot do this alone. Speak to me, Lord, in what you would have me to do.

October 15, 2007, I struggled with these feelings:

I knew he was coming home, because I stand for marriage. BUT do I want him to come home? I wanted help but as time moves on I won't be 9 months pregnant. I knew God and I could handle it. I knew that I would be okay. I worried about becoming bitter, so often. I would ask the Lord to break me. I didn't want to become so independent that I didn't care. I worried that I could stand for my vow, stand for never getting married. BUT could I forgive Josh fully and love him again? Can I accept why he is, if he NEVER changes? What he did to me?

For Josh:

When will you be so sick of yourself that you will wrestle with your destiny, until you have been touched by God? When? Is this you? May you have a heart of Jacob to wrestle with God. Don't give up your destiny! I realize you have had a hunger and thirst. Use what fight you have left to get what you want, do not give up! Give Josh and eternal change of heart. Change his heart, O God! Change his path to one of holiness. Touch him with Your rod....so he will go Your way.

I cried out time after time for Josh's heart. He needed a new one and each day he grew colder and colder. Each day he removed himself more from God's love.

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 27

2010-02-28T14:02:00.000-08:00

I brought my favorite book to the other woman's house, and I left it for her. Josh knows the book. It was hard to bring, because it was the best book (besides the Bible) that I could recommend for marriage. At the time, I felt like such a hypocrite. She told me if it had worked, then he wouldn't be gone. Well, I had to do what God told me to do. I had to pray for her marriage, too!

Josh came for dinner, and I could see the after affects of the birthday binge. BUT I had to love him even at his lowest point. He knew that I knew what he had done. YET, I said nothing. He even said, "I know you should hate me!" When he left, he told me I looked really good this pregnancy. Yes, I did! AND he was missing out!

I prayed that the end would draw near. I knew it would end, but it didn't feel like it. Since the pendulum swung home I was prepared for a bad day. Josh informed me he was with someone, and he was napping that's why he didn't answer the phone when the kids called. As IF I needed to know that. He also wanted the security password off his computer, so he could have access. Yuck, why? I thought everything was just fine? I could not take responsibilty for his downhill spiral, but it was very hard to watch.

A few days later, the clock swung back home...he came over. I went for a walk while he played with the kids. I had to go and pray. When I got back he had put the kids to bed, and he stayed for a while. He talked all about his feelings about God and fighting. He said everyone just thinks he was always horrible. God never helped him. He didn't feed the bad part "ALL OF THE TIME!" It doesn't take a lot!! He felt no one ever supported his dreams. Trying to remind him of all the things I did do, seemed hopeless. Buying him tickets to conferences, song-writing retreats, keyboard, and many other things seemed dumb. I just listened. He was deaf and blind. He was confused.

He said he doesn't have it in him to wait around for things to happen. Well, he may feel that way. He is going to get really scared then, all alone, with no help. I don't know what kind of support, love, and devotion he thinks he's getting from the world? What more devotion can you get than a wife who sticks around after you are unfaithful her entire marriage as you continue to throw it in her face?

He admitted he was sinning; he admitted it was fun. He said he doesn't care about the shame? Oh, God, help him. Someday.....I believed it was all a front, too! His bottom lip would quiver, just a bit, a sign that he did FEEL something. I believed he was ashamed, even if he couldn't admit it. He wanted me to move on, to stop caring. He wanted it to be easier on him, and I wasn't making it easy for him!! He wanted to know how I could be so nice, when he was so mean?

Sin is only pleasurable for a season. Satan would hand Josh a bill sooner or later. I just prayed that bill would not be too high!

Small Intermission

2010-02-28T09:29:00.000-08:00

I love you, Josh! I am thrilled that you are still supporting me through this whole writing process. I know you are a faithful reader of my blog, and I appreciate it. I know that you have had some extra difficult days re-reading some of these days. We are so past this, and I cannot be more thrilled. Satan blinded your eyes and ears, and he used you in horrible ways.

God spared you even in the midst of all of this, and I see why, now! It's a process you may not have been able to handle when you first came home. God needed to use all of this, but it had to be in His timing. We are blessed that our children have been spared some of these memories, and we will all be stronger for it.

As we have talked through some of these horrible days, it's such a comfort to hear you say you were so stupid. I know it's hard for you, but this has brought even more healing to me. You have been gracious about how much I have written, and we have been able to talk about the other things I have not shared on here. I love feeling your approval; I know that I had God's.....but this is OUR story. God is getting the glory through all of this mess, and I could ask for nothing more. You ARE the great man of God I believed you could be....allow God to continue molding you and shaping you into His image.

As you die to your old man, you bring glory to Him who has brought you this far. I love you with all of my heart. Thanks for reading our story so faithfully; it's a great help to me!

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 26

2010-02-27T13:49:00.000-08:00

His birthday had arrived. I wasn't about to let Satan take away something that had been mine for 8 years. So, I got up early to text him! I said, "Happy Birthday." Yes, HAPPY....I prayed that God would give him a NEW BIRTH!! He texted back to ask me if the house was getting colder? And if he needed to stop by to get me some firewood chopped? Hmmm...another excuse to come home? It was raining, so he wasn't working. Those days were extra hard, as they were our funnest days. We got Josh all to ourselves. Abishai had a hard time with it, because he woke up so excited. Daddy was going to have the day off? Sometimes Abishai, being only 3, got confused. Maybe Daddy was just working this whole time?

I cried a lot while the kids were gone. Josh thanked me for allowing them to go, that's so wrong. You should never have to thank your children for coming to your party.

Josh got a designated driver for his 30th birthday. I am sure he was drunk even before he left to go party. I heard from people who happened to be at the bar as well, that he was stumbling around like an idiot. I just prayed that God would protect his life.

I was also very grateful that I was not having the baby, because it put a whole new spin on what I would do if he showed up drunk? Would I still let him in?

Lord, give Josh a new heart. Make nothing bring satisfaction to him but You. Help him to realize only You can bring him what he needs. Break the spirit of pride and release humility. Lord, dissolve his hatred for You, Lord. Help him to realize it's not about Your hand but Your face. You bring peace to a life, if nothing else. Josh needs to not feel that life revolves around the things You do for us, everything should bring glory and honor to You. I call Josh out of darkness and into light. The blinders need to be removed from his eyes, and his ears unplugged. All "pleasures" I command you to be empty and unfulfilling. Josh, come to your senses. Lord, only You can bring my husband home. Thank You for Your promises to me.

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 25

2010-02-26T13:36:00.000-08:00

Am I in denial? Does he just tolerate me because I am the mother of his children? Why would he invite me to his birthday? Does he maybe love me, still? Does he feel any guilt? Does he miss my eyes? Does he miss my smile? Does he miss my laugh? Does he miss my cooking? Does he miss my touch? Was everything we shared a lie? Did he ever love me? The questions never seemed to end...........neither did the prayers!

Lord, break the binds that hold Josh captive. Remove the blinders from his eyes. Unplug his ears. May no relationship outside of a restored, right relationship with You, bring peace and satisfaction. In You, he will be obedient and in You he will find his way home. Thank you, Lord, for the husband you have given me and the father you have made him. Let Josh see You in a new way. May he come to his senses.

Josh would call me and give me updates on his police application. He asked me to find addresses and referrals and papers he might need? I often got looks from people! Why not make him do it himself? Well, I was his wife. As much as it hurt to say, "yes...I will do that for you"....I had to! He stopped calling me, Babe, at this point. It was so bitter-sweet. He called to talk with me for 25 minutes about his test for the police job; he called 3 times, since I didn't answer the other times. I had to have been the first person he called. It seemed to me I was getting through to him that I cared, no matter how hurtful he was to me. AND even if he wouldn't admit it...he knew I was the only one who REALLY cared.

Then, he called to talk to me about selling our car. He figured if it was just the kids and me, then we could deal with something smaller. We only had 4, so we didn't need a bigger one. He often said small things like this that could break my heart. It hurt to see him making plans. When I got the kid's pictures taken he asked if he could please get 8x10s of them for HIS wall. He did these things on purpose, knowing they would hurt.

My Husband Rocks~Friday

2010-02-26T12:44:00.000-08:00

As you know from a month ago, I have been starting out on my weight loss journey.....wow, that can just really be tough. I have stayed disciplined, and I am encouraged by the results. I know that the weight will come off if I stick to it, but it can be difficult.

My weight has been an issue for many years, only in the last year have I felt that it was changing. I have a husband with NEW eyes, and I absolutely LOVE it. Does this mean I am going to let myself go? No! Actually, the complete opposite. Knowing that Josh accepts me JUST the way I am--FOR REAL--means that I can't wait to look the best I can. For many years, I knew that Josh was lying when he said that he was "fine" with my weight. (because sometimes it would slip out how he wasn't happy) I could tell how distant he was, too! Now when he says it...I really do believe him. He doesn't want me to be TOO skinny, either!

He is free with compliments, and I am thrilled to have such a great supporter. Josh, this last month, has given me so much encouragement. He knows I can do this, but for me...not necessarily do I feel he is pushing me for HIM. He LOVES how I look, and I am happy. Many years I have felt that I had other cheerleaders, and I can honestly say that I believe Josh has now become one of my biggest fans. (I cannot be any more thrilled!)

Only a few more months and I think I will be at my goal, but I am more thrilled that I have a husband who doesn't just love me for my looks. A husband who cheers me on, when I am down!

Thanks, Babe, for the glimpses I get of WHO you have become. I LOVE YOU!!!

You rock more EVERY day.

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 24

2010-02-25T13:25:00.000-08:00

Buying Josh's birthday present, yes, I was his wife, right? This brought on some odd feelings, part of me wanted to be sarcastic and then God brought me back to being kind and loving.

We (the whole family) received a text from Josh inviting us to Chili's for his birthday dinner. Yikes! We all had no idea what to do. Dad refused to go. Mom didn't really want to go but she was thinking maybe she should. The kids, of course, would go. It was extremely hard for me because this was Josh's 30th birthday. He had been really struggling with turning 30, so I was planning a fun get-together before he left. Mom and I both sat on the phone and cryed. I did what I always do, and I helped people decide what to get him for his birthday. AND I convinced Dad to go, for me!

Josh got very angry because no one responded to his text. His other friends responded quickly. Well, yes, who doesn't need a good excuse to go drinking? It had nothing to do with being his birthday it had to do with the life of GOING OUT!! They didn't love him? They didn't cry over the loss? He had not hurt them? This made everyone else mad, too! He whined about needing to make reservations. You can't make reservations at Chili's? I cried for the lost boy! He had no idea what damage he had done. He talked with me about going, and I decided I just could not. I could not go celebrate his birthday and then watch him go out with another woman in the evening. He begged me for the "children's sake!" I figured they would be perfectly fine. OR at least fine enough. He said he felt rude leaving me behind. Well, hey?!