Saturday, January 30, 2010


This might get deep, and it might not. We shall see!  I thought I would start laying some foundation and getting my thoughts down for SOMEDAY writing a book.  Sort of a TIMELINE....

BEWARE this may be a LOT of detail, that you don't need to know. BUT it might strike a cord with someone. 

It seems that so many marriages are hurting right now, and I know God has a place for me in helping those that want to listen.  God heals hurting marriages....I know it; I believe it; I have seen it! 

Almost 11 years ago, I exchanged vows with my Josh and we entered into a covenant. You know, those ones that say 'till death do us part?'  Do we believe it though? Isn't a covenant an agreement that can only be broken by death?  Josh and I both agreed we would never speak of divorce, and we were both going to be married FOREVER.  Coming from a broken home it didn't even seem like an option to me.  I never wanted my children to endure the pain of a broken home.  We would work through everything.  AND I figured it was a GREAT advantage to me that Josh's parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents were all still married. 



What do I mean?  Well, November 2006 I found out that Josh had been having an affair.  My heart and head were spinning.  I had no idea what to do.  My immediate reaction: I packed up the kids and didn't want to be home when he got home.  My second reaction after I received a phone call saying he would end it; it was done, things were over.....was the fact that this was all my fault; I must have done something wrong in my marriage. I must not have given Josh everything he needed.  I spoke with him about what we needed to do to get over it, and that we needed to allow healing. 

We also talked about the need for him to be accountable.  I told him I understand men have temptations, and I am okay with that.  AND that his heart was now tied to someone else. I knew he would need some time to heal from separation.  I felt I was pretty sensitive to HIS feelings.   I also told him I would NOT share it with ANYONE, since, of course, he was repentant, and willing to work through this.  Also, he had told me it was only an emotional affair. 

So, now my heart is raw and hurting.  Feeling like I had been sensitive and understanding to his needs I just needed a good cry.  He was so good. I had never cried so hard in my life; I remember he held me and I cried for like 15 minutes. I mean BAWLED. I don't think he had ever seen me be that vulnerable. WHAT was I to do about the fact that I must not have met my husband's emotional needs?  I had tried so hard. 

What then?  Well, I did tell him if he EVER thought to do it again I would be on the phone immediately with his parents.  I would also NOT put up with it twice. I would be gone. I probed for every answer I could find from Josh. I had ultimatum after ultimatum.  I certainly didn't want my marriage to end up dead, but I just HAD to know all of the answers. RIGHT??  I mean they were helping me, right??

Several months went by and that repentant feeling didn't seem to be there anymore. In fact, it was VERY clear that I was supposed to be "healed" already. 

My heart was so torn. Josh and I became distant emotionally. I didn't know how to feel.  Was our physical relationship fine? Yes, of course. I had to do THAT right.  I served him; I loved him.  I remember the day I decided that only God could make my heart whole.  I went out and bought a necklace--heart-shaped, to remind me that my heart was complete.  I wrote down ALL of the things that I wanted changed in Josh and gave them to God.  Wow, was I feeling like maybe I could do this. 

My spirit still felt lost though.  AND I was keeping all of my concerns and questions to myself. AND I was pregnant. Wow, did the emotions seem to fly then. I was in tears SO many times.  I didn't really want to be pregnant; I wasn't happy yet. 

August 9, 2007 is a day I may never forget. I called Josh to ask him if he needed me to bring him anything: lunch, a drink, a snack?  He told me he was entirely too busy and would have no time to even stop to eat.  I told him that it was strange, since he ALWAYS wanted something.  I stopped at the deli to pick up some food for the kids anyway.  AND it happend....he was there!  What?  Was he with someone?  No, I just knew. I knew things were NOT right.  I got the kids stuff, and I walked out.  Did he see me? Yes!  He followed me out, and he gave me the last kiss I would receive for a LONG time. 

To be continued.......

Friday, January 29, 2010

My Husband Rocks~Friday

He finally dates me!

I remember when we were courting and Josh mentioned how excited he would be after we got married to take me on dates.  (since we didn't do anything unchaperoned)   The thing is.....our dates were nothing to really brag about. Sometimes I thought he was a stick in the mud. You know what though.....sometimes it takes THOSE times to look back and appreciate what you have NOW.  I sometimes get frustrated when a month goes by and I haven't had  a date. But, really, a month is NOTHING, compared! 

Thanks, Babe, for NOT being the man I married. I could not be more happy with who you have BECOME! You have grown, matured, and made me love you more than I could imagine! You Rock!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Seems Like a Trend

Obedience and discouragement seem like partners.

I miss Colorado. For those of you who think that I never wish things weren't different or that I struggle with "why!"  Well, I do!  I am human......although, it would be wonderful to be who you compliment me to be.

Here is what I see.......

The time had come for Moses to step out in obedience to God and go to Pharaoh. He was probably nervous, yet excited to be part of God’s plan.  Like I have said before, to HEAR God say GO and to obey. How good is that?

Moses faced so much discouragement in the midst of obedience. As he became discouraged, he began to question his role in delivering the Israelites.  I have been feeling this so deeply in so many areas, including my weight loss. As I have lost only .8 lbs. in 1 week. 

I do realize that discouragement is an inevitable part of ministry and life. BUT I HATE IT!!  We will see successes and positive results, but we will also see failures and disappointments. Sometimes those failures are a result of our own self-effort. Other times, I believe God uses them to remind us of our dependence on Him and His overall sovereignty in life. I have been asking God to speak to my heart!
Trying to encourage myself in Moses' story.  The results of Moses’ obedience to God: he did what God asked him to do, and yet, the results were less than desirable. His obedience had a negative impact on the very ones he wanted to help. God works in ways that we cannot always understand. He doesn’t ask us to understand, but to trust.

Even when our obedience leads to unexpected or negative results, we must trust that God is still in control and that this is part of His plan for us. I have been taking some time to be honest with Him, as Moses did, and give my feelings and thoughts to the Lord. Asking Him to give me the grace and patience to wait on Him and His timing. Maybe I should also be praying that I stop sharing them all with my husband. Oops!

THIS IS JUST THE PICTURE OF WHAT I HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH.....Moses had stepped out and obeyed God, yet the results were not what he had expected. The Hebrew foremen were already criticizing and complaining about Moses. He thought God would deliver the people immediately, even though God had told him that He would harden Pharaoh’s heart. Moses, in his discouragement, went to God and poured out his heart. I can imagine their conversation. “Look. I’ve done what you told me to do. I have held up my part of the deal, but you have not kept your promise. What is going on? You said you would deliver your people, but instead they are worse off than before. Why?” I think most of us have come to that place at some point in our lives where we have questioned what God is doing.

BUT THIS IS MY ANSWER, TOO! In Exodus 6, God encouraged Moses.  He told Moses WHO He was!! 

BUT HERE I AM AGAIN!  Moses had spoken to the sons of Israel to encourage them with God’s words, yet the people did not listen. Think how Moses must have felt. At the end of Exodus 5, we see him in the midst of discouragement and doubt. God greatly encouraged him in Exodus 6, and he was probably feeling much better about the situation…until the people did not listen. I so often do this...I then start questioning who I am and God's plan.  Do I see myself through God’s eyes or my own eyes, like Moses?

Moses turned his focus inward instead of keeping his focus on God. He began questioning and doubting himself. Have you ever felt like Moses, discouraged about something, but feeling better about it after spending time with God and in His Word, only to lose heart again when things didn’t unfold the way you had expected? I have. Yet, we must keep our focus on Him and not on ourselves.

Things had not gone smoothly for Moses. Pharaoh increased the labor of the Israelites, and they were upset with Moses, blaming him for their plight. Yet, God once again sent Moses and Aaron back to Pharaoh, in the midst of Moses’ self-doubt. Even though it must have been hard for him to go back to Pharaoh, Moses made a choice to obey and follow God’s command once again.

What moves you to obedience? In other words, why do you obey God, even when it is difficult?

Obedience requires listening to God, not our feelings.

You don’t have to understand what God is doing in order to be obedient to His call. God delights in our obedience. Are you listening to God’s Word or to your feelings? Are you hesitant to step out in obedience because you feel inadequate or discouraged? Spend some time with Him. Be honest with Him about your feelings. Trust Him and His leading in your life. I am trying!

WHERE I DON'T WANT TO BE!  God told Moses that He would harden Pharaoh’s heart. The hardness of his heart prevented Pharaoh from listening to God. Was Pharaoh responsible for his hardened heart, or God, or both? I admit that this is a difficult question. When it is hard for us to comprehend or understand a concept of the way God works in people, we must trust in His sovereignty and in His ultimate purpose.

A hardened heart prevents us from listening to God and obeying Him. I don't want to have a hardened heart, so I must "check" myself.  Keep my heart soft.

I know what it feels like when you want to “quit” because you feel that you are not capable of doing something well.  I relate to Moses, as if God were telling me, “Get out there and do what I’ve called you to do. Get your eyes off yourself and focus on Me.” My prayer for you is that you would listen to God’s Word, not your feelings, if you are in the midst of discouragement. God uses these discouraging times in our lives for a reason. In my own life, they have brought me to a deeper dependence on Him.

Moses could have quit in the midst of discouragement, but he didn’t. God could have given up on Moses, but He didn’t. We will all face discouragement in life and ministry in some way. Satan would love to see us discouraged and ready to quit, but we must keep pressing on and being obedient to God’s call, regardless of how we feel.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Journey of Discipline

Adam and Eve knew not to eat of the tree of knowledge. The enemy (Satan) came and tricked them so they would disobey what God said. They had to live with the discipline God gave them. God still loved them – but they still had to live with the choices they made. And it is the same for us.

If you never learn to obey when you’re young, when you’re older you will find it hard to obey.  It is hard to get along with someone that has not learned to obey. They often won’t listen and want to do everything their own way. Maybe you know someone like that! They end up hurting themselves – and God.

It makes God sad when we don’t obey. As a parent, obedience need’s to start with me. If I learn to obey my children will learn to obey as they get older. This is one of the most important lessons to learn, and maybe the hardest. God has given us all a free will – which means we are free to make our own choices. We can choose to obey or not. It’s our choice. But we need to remember what happened to Adam and Eve. There is a price to pay! Jesus is our example of true obedience.

Okay, so that was really on OBEDIENCE. BUT in obedience I find discpiline in my daily walk. God wants us to be disciplined, and really in order to be disciplined it takes obeying.  I have been on my journey for what seems like a LONG time, but I guess until I get it....I will keep on doing it. 

I started a diet of REAL discipline. I get NO STARCHES or CARBS or ANY kind of SUGAR for at LEAST five weeks.  We will see how much weight I lose, and see if I need to continue.  It's really been good.  It's been "easier" than I thought, but it does take discipline.  NO CHEATING!!! I can't cheat or I would feel that I didn't REALLY obey.  You know? 

To date.....I have last 12 lbs.  (dieting for 10 days) 

I am going to be VERY brave and post my before picture!!! AAHHH!!!  BUT this way I can SEE the difference.  AND know that I really don't want to be this heavy, and when I feel like "disobeying" I can see THIS. 

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Shallah's Adventures

The past few months have allowed Shallah to experience many NEW things. She went to her first ballet, and her first tea party. She has tasted her first food. She got her ear's pierced. She sits up perfectly, and she also manages to move herself ALL over the house. She discovered dog food, too! This was her first Christmas, and that means it was also her FIRST trip to Disneyland.

Christmas Dress and blowing bubbles.....her favorite!

Early Christmas morning

Ear Piercing

Monday, January 25, 2010

Maybe I Will.....and Maybe I Won't.......

Does anyone out there blog but just not like writing? This is going to be difficult for someone who I feel is meant to write a book!! Wow, how ever will I manage it???

I have been GONE from blog land for a while. Maybe because I don't want to talk about the last few months because it might sound like a big whine? Maybe because it's because I have so much to write about, but I don't know where to start? Wow, I could go on and on!!!

Things are well in the Abdelaziz Family. I would like to say that I am back, but I just can't promise???

I am on a weight loss journey right now that I might blog about, too??? Or the fact that Abishai ie beginning to read. Or that Levi is almost potty-trained. Or that Shallah is moving ALL over the house. Or that Josh and I will be renewing our vows on June 19th. Oh, yes, if you didn't know....YOU ARE INVITED!!!

We currently live with Josh's parents, and I would love to have an "end-date" to tell you about. BUT I don't! So, we continue living out of suitcases and our storage unit.

God has done so many things in our hearts, though! We see His plans, and we hear His voice. How much more could you ask for???

I guess I better wrap this up as my cup of tea is getting cold!!