Wednesday, April 21, 2010


I know that so many of you have been following my blog, lately, and I don't want to lose your interest. What is it that you wanna know?  What about marriage and restoration and reconciliation do you still have questions about?  You can even comment privately, and I won't post. JUST say you don't want your comment published. I am happy to answer any and all questions.  Sometimes I am not sure what needs to be answered, because I am further along in the process. 

And don't get me wrong, I can STILL have my days.  Thanks for the help. I want to write, but I am not sure what to write about.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Lessons in Obedience

Shallah is almost 10 months old, and she just got her first tooth today. It's barely visible, but it's there! She is a quick learner.  I am always amazed at what my children are able to understand at an early age. Parents do NOT give their children enough credit.  Since Shallah was about 6 months old and crawling she eyed the dog bowls.  She only had to have her hand pulled away a couple of times and told "NO" before she realized I wasn't playing.  It's not even a thought for her anymore; she leaves it alone. In fact, I realized, today, I don't even think about the fact that she could still play with it. She learned, and she doesn't play with them.  Teaching at a young age is SO much easier than letting them THINK they are in charge. It's much harder to train a two year old.  Shallah crys the minute she hears someone say no to her. 

Today was a perfect example of how much children understand.  I didn't have a place to put Shallah down for a nap, so I spread the blanket on the living room floor. Yes, I know we are walking around and doing school, BUT she needed a nap.  I spread the blanket out, and I laid her on it.  She fussed, and I pat her back. She was no where near asleep, but she understood when I said she had to stay there.  She got up on her knees to sit up, and I told her, "No!"  I didn't spank her, and I didn't yell. She whined, and then lay back down.  She did this about three times, and whined each time. After about 10 minutes she fell fast asleep. 

Guess who's boss? not them

I am not mean, but I do expect my children to learn early. And with the older ones, I have to work on my sarcasm. Usually it goes like this, "Seriously, you MUST have thought I was joking when I told you to be quiet, because you definitely would NOT be talking if you thought I was serious!"  Well, I am not perfect, but I am working on being more patient, consistent, and compassionate.  I can assure you that it may take some time.   

There are many little methods and tools to help us to train our children for the Lord! Let me emphasize that these must be used consistently, firmly, and lovingly in order to be effective! We have found a few methods to be a tremendous help during the past few years. God intends for our children to be a blessing and a joy to us parents, but it is our responsibility to teach and train them in the ways of the Lord. Thank God that He gives us the resources, and His grace, in order to accomplish this!

A child taught instant obedience at an early age is much more content.

Giving Up

When things get hopeless what keeps you from giving up?

When the Lord speaks to your heart do you fear being disobedient?  Absolutely! So, when things got bad I could not disobey.  I wanted to obey and honor my Father with my life.  God often brough Scriptures to my heart when I was discouraged.

These are some prayers that I would pray over Josh WITH his name inserted in them...pray Scripture over your husband, brother, father, sister, mother. It WORKS!!! Your marriage can only be helped with God's Word.

For this reason, I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen [Spouse] with the power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in [Spouse’s] heart through faith. And I pray that [Spouse], being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that [Spouse] may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. - Ephesians 3:14-19

I thank my God every time I remember [Spouse]. In all my prayers for [Spouse], I always pray with joy because of [Spouse’s] partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in [Spouse] will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. - Philippians 1:3-6

And this is my prayer: that [Spouse’s] love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that [Spouse] may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ – to the glory and praise of God. - Philippians 1:9-11

For this reason, ever since I heard about [Spouse’s] faith in the Lord Jesus and [Spouse’s] love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for [Spouse], remembering [Spouse] in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give [Spouse] the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that [Spouse] may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of [Spouse’s] heart may be enlightened in order that [Spouse] may know the hope to which he has called [Spouse], the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. - Ephesians 1:15-19a

Therefore, my dear [Spouse], as you have always obeyed – not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence – continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in [Spouse] to will and to act according to his good purpose. - Philippians 2:12-13

For this reason, since the day we heard about [Spouse], we have not stopped praying for [Spouse] and asking God to fill [Spouse] with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that [Spouse] may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that [Spouse] may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified [Spouse] to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. For he has rescued [Spouse] from the dominion of darkness and brought [Spouse] into the kingdom of the Son [Spouse] loves, in whom [Spouse] has redemption, the forgiveness of sins. - Colossians 1:9-14

So then, just as [Spouse] received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as [Spouse] were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. See to it that no one takes [Spouse] captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ. For in Christ, all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and [Spouse] has been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority. In him [Spouse] were also circumcised, in the putting off of the sinful nature, not with a circumcision done by hands of men but with the circumcision done by Christ, having been buried with him in baptism and raised with him through [Spouse’s] faith in the power of God, who raised him form the dead. When [Spouse] were dead in her sins and in the uncircumcision of [Spouse’s] sinful nature, God made [Spouse] alive with Christ. He forgave [Spouse] all her sins, having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against [Spouse] and that stood opposed to [Spouse]; he took it away, nailing it to the cross. - Colossians 2:6-14

No, in all these things [Spouse] is more than a conqueror through him who loved her. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate [Spouse] from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. - Romans 8:37-39

Praise our God, O [Husband] and [Wife], let the sound of his praise be heard; he has preserved [Husband] and [Wife’s] lives and kept [Husband] and [Wife’s] feet from slipping. For you, O God, tested [Husband] and [Wife]; you refined [Husband] and [Wife] like silver. You brought [Husband] and [Wife] into prison and laid burdens on our backs. You let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and water, but you brought [Husband] and [Wife] to a place of abundance. - Psalm 66:8-12

I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. [Husband] and [Wife] will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. - John 14:12

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Standing for Marriage

Because of all I have been through I have a passion for marriage. A call to help hurting marriages. A desire to see reconciliation happen like never before. NOTHING is too difficult for God!

I had/have this posted in my house to always remind me of what it means to stand.

Stander's Affirmation

I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE!... I will not give up, give in, give out or give over 'til that healing takes place. I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words... in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in I am standing NOW, and will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down 'til the breakdown is torn down!

I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what is trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous... nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God's real thing, nor will I seek to lower God's standard, twist God's will, rewrite God's word, violate God's covenant, or accept what God hates, namely divorce!

In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies I will speak the truth; where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God: where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will trust in God's faithfulness.

I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit.. I have made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God for all the outcome.

I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones, nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up 'til my marriage is healed.

- Author Unknown

Progress in Discipline

Figured maybe it was time to show you some progress in my weight loss journey. As you know, I started in January.  I have had a small Dr. Pepper ONCE since then, which is HUGE for me, because I really enjoy Dr. Pepper. I have gained so much from this experience, so far. I have been working out a few times a week, and it has been so relaxing. Yes, relaxing. I get to spend time on myself.  The biggest challenge will be keeping my portion sizes at a minimum, and I need to make sure I don’t pick up snacking during the evenings.  Evenings is always my hardest time, but I have been exchanging that time for exercise.  It’s working!!! I only have 18 more lbs. to go. And, honestly, I feel really good. If I don’t make it to 18 lbs, but I just tone and lost about 10 more…..I will feel like I succeeded. 

Thanks for following me on so many of my accomplishments. 

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 68

The man I married AMAZING.

He is....
     a repentant man
     a broken man
     an upright man
     a courageous man
     a humble man
     a loving man
     a selfless man

A GODLY MAN....continually dying to self.......God has taken him on a journey, and it's a GOOD READ! 

Check him out:

If you read my story from the beginning you can see how I have finally received the answers to my prayers. Thank you for sticking through this with me! 

You are welcome to ask me any questions you may have; I have a desire to help you, in any way I can.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 67

Running towards God as hard as he did running away from Him  was still going to take some time. 

We took a trip to Colorado for a few days, in January. We wanted to make sure that it was where God wanted us to be.  We loved the church; we found a house. The job thing might take time, but we needed to GO! 

Trying to sum up the rest of our journey is so hard to do. There is so much I have left out, and I think as God moves me through writing a book--more and more may come out.  I didn't realize how bad it was for many months after Josh came home.  My mind said it was really only bad for a week, until I started reading my journals.  God carried me. He has healed so much of my heart. 

The weeks that followed Josh's return home were difficult. He continually talked about the steps for getting back in ministry, as if not much had happened?  You could tell his repentant heart was not fully there.  He was not broken. 

Levi's name, meaning...a union supported by Jehovah.  Levi was a blessing and a joy. He slept through the night at 3 months old, giving Josh and I the rest we needed, as well!  God poured His grace over our move.

Thanksgiving and Christmas were uncomfortable but a blessing beyond words.  Our family was delighted to have no major holidays without Daddy where he belonged.  3 months seemed like an eternity, but it was nothing compared to the life we were going to live. 

God continues to sustain me, and some days are worse than others.  Healing from this pain has been nothing short of miraculous.  It's been two years, and I can write this story without crumbling into a fit of tears.  It can hurt, but it doesn't hurt the same way. 

Moving to Colorado was just definitely one of the best decision of our lives.  Our hearts have been knitted together with wonderful people, to this day.  The journey of healing and reconciliation would not have been the same without them.  God brought men into Josh's life that steer him towards God, keep him accountable, and encourage growth.  Remeber, I prayed for this!

Many months of crying myself to sleep led to more and more healing.  Those first few months in Colorado were so difficult.  Josh did not have a job for 3 months; we lived on very little.  Money stress just added more problems.  Josh was ready to go get a job at a bar, this was heart-breaking.  Josh still had no boundries for himself.

Working as a bounty hunter put him in places that could NOT have been good for him, but I just spent those evenings on my knees.  Josh never felt like he was doing badly.  My spirit knew it wasn't over.  Josh was NOT okay.  I was lost as to what else I could do.

After almost a year, Josh finally agreed to counseling.  He was reluctant still, and it was hard.  I had decided to go for counseling myself, and that opened up new things.  When Josh saw this, he was ready.  Our relationship grew during those few months of counseling. Josh was able to pray and recover pieces of his heart, and give them to me.  BUT one thing that was unsettled was the REASON for the behavior, in the first place. Our counselor told Josh he needed to ask God to reveal the contents of his heart.  Josh said he did....and God wasn't answering. 

That night I got into a horrible accident, almost killing a motorcyclist.  Our Yukon was totaled, and the pieces of our life were seeming to get a bit more shattered.  Things didn't want to go...JUST right.  Josh blew up.  I got scared.  "God owed him!"  WHAT??? Oh, no!!! This was it; the anger towards God was the problem all along.  Josh still felt like God should do more for him?  He had come home; he was being good. Why did THIS have to happen?  It felt like someong had punched me in the stomach. Nothing was really fixed; I knew it. BUT to be faced with it was tough to swallow.   

My friends, those men I prayed to surround Josh came to the rescue. They spoke life into those dark places, explaining that God owed him NOTHING.  It didn't matter coming from me, but it did matter coming from his "brothers!"  God was showing Josh the contents of his heart, but Josh didn't like it. 

Almost over night I saw a difference.  The man I wanted was FINALLY home!!!  More than a YEAR after coming home, JOSH was HOME!! 

Josh agreed to have his computer monitored by Covenant Eyes, and it was a step in the right direction. Josh had not been "bad" for a long time, but unless your heart it turned towards God, it cannot last.  I can still be brought to tears when I think about God's goodness in Josh's life.

Do we still have ups and downs? Of course! Do we know what's worth fighting about? Sometimes!  Are we the same people we were 2 years ago? Not at all......

God continues to work in our situation.  Josh heard clearly from God that we needed to move back to California to continue the healing process. People and family here did not get to experience the journey in the same way we did.  They needed a glimpse, a real one, of what God had done. Josh needed to reclaim his anointing.  On February 14th, we dedicated our newest addition to the family...Shallah Rianne.  Her name means, "river of grace!"  God's grace is beyond compare.  Josh was also re-instated, as Pastor Josh.  Our journey is not God leads us on the next step of our journey, we anxiously await.  Healing is a process, but it's a complete healing, if done through the Healer!

No pit is so deep that He is not deeper still. Anyone of you, if faced with some of the circumstances can allow God to heal and work through them.  God gives grace for your situation; you must allow Him to work though. You have to listen.  It's not an easy journey, but I am SO glad that I walked uprightly.  I regret nothing. 

Thank you for following me on this journey, and I would LOVE to hear from you.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 66

Lord, I am so scared. I have poured out my heart and man has stomped on it--my man, the one You blessed me with.  How do I deal with it?  I know you aren't a stranger to this, but I am human in my feelings.  What do I do?  Do I ignore the hurts? I guess it's not my job at all to worry about the consequences I think josh should pay.  Will I ever feel close to him, like I want?  Is this the curse of Eve?  Will marriage ever be what I dreamed it would be or what I read it could be, with only one person reading and caring about the other person. Josh says he is selfish.  Aren't we supposed to care about the other person?  What do I do, Lord? 

The year was almost over, so many things happened in my life.  February 1st is our move out day.  God was still stirring in me, new things. 

Our society has allowed "super spirits" to invade our lives, just like our "super viruses!"  Instead of turning to God and having intimacy with Him; we have used asprin to fix a major problem.  Men in leadership, especially, are being attacked.  Satan is out stronger than ever, because of the power we have given him. IN order to gain a stronghold in our lives Satan has "uped" his game, and I am mad that we are sitting back unaware. 

Why do leaders ignore the spirit realm? And if ther aren't why do they allow a little taste?  These spirits are attacking God's leaders, and they are on the prowl.

I had to make sure the church we were going to be attending in Colorado really understand the spirit realm. Did they lay back and let the devil have his way?  I wrote to the prayer pastory; I had an instant bond.  She got it! She definitely didn't sit back and let Satan have his way! I was so excited. 

I believed 2009 was the year of new beginnings, and I wanted to walk confidently and uprightly in WHO God wanted me to be.  Lord, take me to a deeper level; show me what You would have me to do. Lead me and hold me close. Protect me from things that would harm.  Make my path clear to me. I love Who You are; You will never hurt me.  No matter what I have Your unconditional love. Use me to be that for others.  Open my eyes to the traps Satan may have laid out. Help me to remember my armor. You are my friend, and I never want to lose sight of You.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 65

A pastor friend called to encourage me NOT to move.  She had reservations, thinking Josh was making me move.  I did not want to be blinded by my desire to move, so I asked her to continue to pray and let me know.  Praying for God to shut doors that needed to be shut became a matter of priority.  Confirmation to move started coming from more and more directions. As long as Josh wasn't pushing me to move and get me all alone, people became more calm. 

Hurts from Josh did still continue, despite making leaps and bounds.  Josh told me that anything the other woman told me was a lie because she wanted me to feel better.  They were a cute couple, and that it didn't matter what she said.  They were good for each other.  He got mad when I walked away.  How could I not walk away?  I didn't want to get angry, so he discussed with me about my bad attitude.  He told me it was hard to find something to compliment me for, and that she was wonderful enough to leave us for.  Yikes!! Would it ever stop? 

The other woman could not believe that Josh did not make me feel like the most amazing person in the world, since he did with her?  Well, no, Josh made me feel ugly, unappreciated, forgettable, useless, and sad, and unworthy.  It's a good thing I know God, because I could not have done it without him.  The lies of Satan can only be deafened by the truths of God. 

Josh decided to read Wild at Heart, and he asked if I would please read it so that I would understand him better.  Of course, I did.  But would he read Captivating to understand me better?  How did he think I felt to always feel neglected?  He didn't want to know me. 

Josh wasn't feeling any remorse, in my opinion. He said everything was fine for him.  He didn't care about the PD job; it was no big deal that he didn't get it.  (they didn't accept him because of the issues with his past, showing a lack of his present situation)  Not playing the keyboard at our annual Christmas program was not hard at all.  What has been hard?  If none of his sin had any consequences that were hard, then what would make him not do it again?

Friday, April 2, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 64

Giving your child a taste of alcohol in order to make them realize they don't like it?  Where do these thoughts come from? Did Josh filter all of his beliefs through God or the world? 

Struggles with family over our life together weighed on me, moving was something we felt we needed to do. BUT everyone did not agree.  I hated going against the feelings of others.  Yes, even though I could stand my ground for my marriage, some things were still very hard for me.  Not everyone was feeling good about where we were in our marriage. Understandably, of course! 

Josh's apologies were empty, but they were there. So, it was me! Hey, he wasn't still gone?

I felt so foolish at times. We were moving to another state, and I had a husband who specifically said he had no feelings for me.  I didn't understand WHY he had no feelings for me.  When did he think he would have some?  I did NOT feel foolish when it came to knowing what I was walking into. I knew that Josh's problems with women would not go away with moving, but I knew for me that healing would be easier. 

I felt I was risking it all, a risk to hurt again.  It was hard to give my hear to someone that had so easily crushed it.  My heart still hurts; I still cry, but in that, I feel!  If I stop crying and hurting it won't heal properly,  If I pretend that it's not there and deal with it, unexpectedly my heart will start to bleed because it wasn't healed properly. 

I trust God to keep me safe, but I do worry about Josh.  Settling in and feeling like he is safe. I am not so concerned about him failing I worry about the affects on the kids and if I could do it alone.

Josh and I were not spiritually in-tune; we had not been for years. I so badly wanted to pray together, do devotions together.  I didn't want to make Josh do things he knows are a good idea.  Josh knows from years of teaching that we were not spiritually close. 

Lord, as Josh and I continue to walk this road of restoration, please guide us, lead us to stay grounded in You. Point us to the things we need to address.  Increase true intimacy. I need my husband fully decoted to You, that will help him to stay focused on the task he need to accomplish to fulfill his destiny.  I ask You to do the same for me.  Keep me focused on You, not him. Keep me surrounded by Your love. 

Our move was getting closer, and I was feeling all alone.  Josh was in agreement, but otherwise I felt very alone.  We had to do this for us.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 63

Hosea 7:14  there is a crying in true repentance

Yearly, get-togethers for the holidays brought bitter-sweet emotions. Thinking about how Josh almost missed it, and then having to do things and keep it together and be strong. 

Who was going to see us together, that saw "them" together?  I was emotionally drained.  Josh thought about the future, but he rarely talked about fixing the damage of the past.  Josh's philosophy just included time. 

Thinking about the words he spoke sometimes escaped him, like asking me if we should keep the mattress he bought!  He thought maybe we could keep it for the kids, if I didn't want it?  For real?  We stopped fighting about these things; most of the time I would calmly give my answer, then go cry later. Many people talked about how nice I was to him, but he always argued.  He felt I made things difficult, and I complained to much.  My heart ached for some sympathy from my husband. 

Josh says he felt no guilt or shame after having sex with other woman, this was so hard for me to swallow. I am certainly glad he didn't lie, but I could not imagine.  Many things still needed a major cleansing. 

Did Josh even know what he wanted? Sometimes ministry, sometimes a farm, sometimes neighbors, sometimes he liked to do things, other times he liked home?  Which was it? 

I knew ONE thing I wanted.....I wanted him to HATE what he did out there.  I didn't hear hate; I heard a longing to return. Yes, still....over a month and it still was far from over!

He said he would fake it until he feels it; I wondered if he would ever feel it? Would I ever know? It's so hard to hear your husband say he is faking it!