Saturday, January 30, 2010


This might get deep, and it might not. We shall see!  I thought I would start laying some foundation and getting my thoughts down for SOMEDAY writing a book.  Sort of a TIMELINE....

BEWARE this may be a LOT of detail, that you don't need to know. BUT it might strike a cord with someone. 

It seems that so many marriages are hurting right now, and I know God has a place for me in helping those that want to listen.  God heals hurting marriages....I know it; I believe it; I have seen it! 

Almost 11 years ago, I exchanged vows with my Josh and we entered into a covenant. You know, those ones that say 'till death do us part?'  Do we believe it though? Isn't a covenant an agreement that can only be broken by death?  Josh and I both agreed we would never speak of divorce, and we were both going to be married FOREVER.  Coming from a broken home it didn't even seem like an option to me.  I never wanted my children to endure the pain of a broken home.  We would work through everything.  AND I figured it was a GREAT advantage to me that Josh's parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents were all still married. 



What do I mean?  Well, November 2006 I found out that Josh had been having an affair.  My heart and head were spinning.  I had no idea what to do.  My immediate reaction: I packed up the kids and didn't want to be home when he got home.  My second reaction after I received a phone call saying he would end it; it was done, things were over.....was the fact that this was all my fault; I must have done something wrong in my marriage. I must not have given Josh everything he needed.  I spoke with him about what we needed to do to get over it, and that we needed to allow healing. 

We also talked about the need for him to be accountable.  I told him I understand men have temptations, and I am okay with that.  AND that his heart was now tied to someone else. I knew he would need some time to heal from separation.  I felt I was pretty sensitive to HIS feelings.   I also told him I would NOT share it with ANYONE, since, of course, he was repentant, and willing to work through this.  Also, he had told me it was only an emotional affair. 

So, now my heart is raw and hurting.  Feeling like I had been sensitive and understanding to his needs I just needed a good cry.  He was so good. I had never cried so hard in my life; I remember he held me and I cried for like 15 minutes. I mean BAWLED. I don't think he had ever seen me be that vulnerable. WHAT was I to do about the fact that I must not have met my husband's emotional needs?  I had tried so hard. 

What then?  Well, I did tell him if he EVER thought to do it again I would be on the phone immediately with his parents.  I would also NOT put up with it twice. I would be gone. I probed for every answer I could find from Josh. I had ultimatum after ultimatum.  I certainly didn't want my marriage to end up dead, but I just HAD to know all of the answers. RIGHT??  I mean they were helping me, right??

Several months went by and that repentant feeling didn't seem to be there anymore. In fact, it was VERY clear that I was supposed to be "healed" already. 

My heart was so torn. Josh and I became distant emotionally. I didn't know how to feel.  Was our physical relationship fine? Yes, of course. I had to do THAT right.  I served him; I loved him.  I remember the day I decided that only God could make my heart whole.  I went out and bought a necklace--heart-shaped, to remind me that my heart was complete.  I wrote down ALL of the things that I wanted changed in Josh and gave them to God.  Wow, was I feeling like maybe I could do this. 

My spirit still felt lost though.  AND I was keeping all of my concerns and questions to myself. AND I was pregnant. Wow, did the emotions seem to fly then. I was in tears SO many times.  I didn't really want to be pregnant; I wasn't happy yet. 

August 9, 2007 is a day I may never forget. I called Josh to ask him if he needed me to bring him anything: lunch, a drink, a snack?  He told me he was entirely too busy and would have no time to even stop to eat.  I told him that it was strange, since he ALWAYS wanted something.  I stopped at the deli to pick up some food for the kids anyway.  AND it happend....he was there!  What?  Was he with someone?  No, I just knew. I knew things were NOT right.  I got the kids stuff, and I walked out.  Did he see me? Yes!  He followed me out, and he gave me the last kiss I would receive for a LONG time. 

To be continued.......


The Sprinkle's said...

Um...had I read this before talking to you last night I am not sure if I could pick my mouth up off the ground, but I have and I want to thank you for sharing this. I know it is goign to help so many. every marriage seems like it is unshakable, but that it just a lie the devil tells us so we dont' put up hedges. I know it will be emotional for you to post through this, but thank you.