Sunday, February 28, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 27

I brought my favorite book to the other woman's house, and I left it for her. Josh knows the book.  It was hard to bring, because it was the best book (besides the Bible) that I could recommend for marriage. At the time, I felt like such a hypocrite. She told me if it had worked, then he wouldn't be gone. Well, I had to do what God told me to do. I had to pray for her marriage, too!

Josh came for dinner, and I could see the after affects of the birthday binge. BUT I had to love him even at his lowest point. He knew that I knew what he had done. YET, I said nothing.  He even said, "I know you should hate me!" When he left, he told me I looked really good this pregnancy. Yes, I did! AND he was missing out!

I prayed that the end would draw near. I knew it would end, but it didn't feel like it.  Since the pendulum swung home I was prepared for a bad day.  Josh informed me he was with someone, and he was napping that's why he didn't answer the phone when the kids called. As IF I needed to know that.  He also wanted the security password off his computer, so he could have access.  Yuck, why?  I thought everything was just fine?  I could not take responsibilty for his downhill spiral, but it was very hard to watch. 

A few days later, the clock swung back home...he came over. I went for a walk while he played with the kids. I had to go and pray.  When I got back he had put the kids to bed, and he stayed for a while. He talked all about his feelings about God and fighting. He said everyone just thinks he was always horrible. God never helped him.  He didn't feed the bad part "ALL OF THE TIME!"  It doesn't take a lot!! He felt no one ever supported his dreams. Trying to remind him of all the things I did do, seemed hopeless. Buying him tickets to conferences, song-writing retreats, keyboard, and many other things seemed dumb. I just listened.   He was deaf and blind.  He was confused. 

He said he doesn't have it in him to wait around for things to happen. Well, he may feel that way. He is going to get really scared then, all alone, with no help.  I don't know what kind of support, love, and devotion he thinks he's getting from the world? What more devotion can you get than a wife who sticks around after you are unfaithful her entire marriage as you continue to throw it in her face?

He admitted he was sinning; he admitted it was fun.  He said he doesn't care about the shame? Oh, God, help him. Someday.....I believed it was all a front, too! His bottom lip would quiver, just a bit, a sign that he did FEEL something.  I believed he was ashamed, even if he couldn't admit it. He wanted me to move on, to stop caring.  He wanted it to be easier on him, and I wasn't making it easy for him!!  He wanted to know how I could be so nice, when he was so mean?

Sin is only pleasurable for a season. Satan would hand Josh a bill sooner or later. I just prayed that bill would not be too high!

Small Intermission

I love you, Josh! I am thrilled that you are still supporting me through this whole writing process. I know you are a faithful reader of my blog, and I appreciate it. I know that you have had some extra difficult days re-reading some of these days.  We are so past this, and I cannot be more thrilled. Satan blinded your eyes and ears, and he used you in horrible ways.

God spared you even in the midst of all of this, and I see why, now! It's a process you may not have been able to handle when you first came home. God needed to use all of this, but it had to be in His timing. We are blessed that our children have been spared some of these memories, and we will all be stronger for it.

As we have talked through some of these horrible days, it's such a comfort to hear you say you were so stupid. I know it's hard for you, but this has brought even more healing to me.  You have been gracious about how much I have written, and we have been able to talk about the other things I have not shared on here.  I love feeling your approval; I know that I had God's.....but this is OUR story.  God is getting the glory through all of this mess, and I could ask for nothing more. You ARE the great man of God I believed you could be....allow God to continue molding you and shaping you into His image.

As you die to your old man, you bring glory to Him who has brought you this far. I love you with all of my heart.  Thanks for reading our story so faithfully; it's a great help to me!

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 26

His birthday had arrived. I wasn't about to let Satan take away something that had been mine for 8 years. So, I got up early to  text him! I said, "Happy Birthday."  Yes, HAPPY....I prayed that God would give him a NEW BIRTH!!  He texted back to ask me if the house was getting colder? And if he needed to stop by to get me some firewood chopped?  Hmmm...another excuse to come home? It was raining, so he wasn't working. Those days were extra hard, as they were our funnest days. We got Josh all to ourselves.  Abishai had a hard time with it, because he woke up so excited. Daddy was going to have the day off?  Sometimes Abishai, being only 3, got confused.  Maybe Daddy was just working this whole time? 

I cried a lot while the kids were gone. Josh thanked me for allowing them to go, that's so wrong. You should never have to thank your children for coming to your party. 

Josh got a designated driver for his 30th birthday. I am sure he was drunk even before he left to go party.  I heard from people who happened to be at the bar as well, that he was stumbling around like an idiot.  I just prayed that God would protect his life.

I was also very grateful that I was not having the baby, because it put a whole new spin on what I would do if he showed up drunk?  Would I still let him in? 

Lord, give Josh a new heart. Make nothing bring satisfaction to him but You.  Help him to realize only You can bring him what he needs. Break the spirit of pride and release humility.  Lord, dissolve his hatred for You, Lord. Help him to realize it's not about Your hand but Your face.  You bring peace to a life, if nothing else. Josh needs to not feel that life revolves around the things You do for us, everything should bring glory and honor to You. I call Josh out of darkness and into light. The blinders need to be removed from his eyes, and his ears unplugged. All "pleasures" I command you to be empty and unfulfilling. Josh, come to your senses. Lord, only You can bring my husband home. Thank You for Your promises to me. 

Friday, February 26, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 25

Am I in denial? Does he just tolerate me because I am the mother of his children? Why would he invite me to his birthday? Does he maybe love me, still? Does he feel any guilt? Does he miss my eyes? Does he miss my smile? Does he miss my laugh? Does he miss my cooking? Does he miss my touch? Was everything we shared a lie? Did he ever love me?  The questions never seemed to end...........neither did the prayers!

Lord, break the binds that hold Josh captive. Remove the blinders from his eyes. Unplug his ears. May no relationship outside of a restored, right relationship with You, bring peace and satisfaction.  In You, he will be obedient and in You he will find his way home. Thank you, Lord, for the husband you have given me and the father you have made him. Let Josh see You in a new way. May he come to his senses. 

Josh would call me and give me updates on his police application. He asked me to find addresses and referrals and papers he might need? I often got looks from people!  Why not make him do it himself?  Well, I was his wife.  As much as it hurt to say, "yes...I will do that for you"....I had to!  He stopped calling me, Babe, at this point.  It was so bitter-sweet.   He called to talk with me for 25 minutes about his test for the police job; he called 3 times, since I didn't answer the other times. I had to have been the first person he called.  It seemed to me I was getting through to him that I cared, no matter how hurtful he was to me. AND even if he wouldn't admit it...he knew I was the only one who REALLY cared.

Then, he called to talk to me about selling our car.  He figured if it was just the kids and me, then we could deal with something smaller.  We only had 4, so we didn't need a bigger one.  He often said small things like this that could break my heart. It hurt to see him making plans.  When I got the kid's pictures taken he asked if he could please get 8x10s of them for HIS wall. He did these things on purpose, knowing they would hurt.

My Husband Rocks~Friday

As you know from a month ago, I have been starting out on my weight loss, that can just really be tough.  I have stayed disciplined, and I am encouraged by the results.  I know that the weight will come off if I stick to it, but it can be difficult.

My weight has been an issue for many years, only in the last year have I felt that it was changing.  I have a husband with NEW eyes, and I absolutely LOVE it. Does this mean I am going to let myself go? No! Actually, the complete opposite. Knowing that Josh accepts me JUST the way I am--FOR REAL--means that I can't wait to look the best I can.  For many years, I knew that Josh was lying when he said that he was "fine" with my weight. (because sometimes it would slip out how he wasn't happy) I could tell how distant he was, too!  Now when he says it...I really do believe him.  He doesn't want me to be TOO skinny, either!

He is free with compliments, and I am thrilled to have such a great supporter. Josh, this last month, has given me so much encouragement. He knows I can do this, but for me...not necessarily do I feel he is pushing me for HIM.  He LOVES how I look, and I am happy.  Many years I have felt that I had other cheerleaders, and I can honestly say that I believe Josh has now become one of my biggest fans. (I cannot be any more thrilled!)

Only a few more months and I think I will be at my goal, but I am more thrilled that I have a husband who doesn't just love me for my looks.  A husband who cheers me on, when I am down!

Thanks, Babe, for the glimpses I get of WHO you have become. I LOVE YOU!!!
You rock more EVERY day.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 24

Buying Josh's birthday present, yes, I was his wife, right?  This brought on some odd feelings, part of me wanted to be sarcastic and then God brought me back to being kind and loving.

We (the whole family) received a text from Josh inviting us to Chili's for his birthday dinner.  Yikes! We all had no idea what to do. Dad refused to go. Mom didn't really want to go but she was thinking maybe she should.  The kids, of course, would go.  It was extremely hard for me because this was Josh's 30th birthday. He had been really struggling with turning 30, so I was planning a fun get-together before he left.  Mom and I both sat on the phone and cryed.  I did what I always do, and I helped people decide what to get him for his birthday.  AND I convinced Dad to go, for me!

Josh got very angry because no one responded to his text. His other friends responded quickly.  Well, yes, who doesn't need a good excuse to go drinking?  It had nothing to do with being his birthday it had to do with the life of GOING OUT!!  They didn't love him?  They didn't cry over the loss? He had not hurt them?  This made everyone else mad, too!  He whined about needing to make reservations. You can't make reservations at Chili's?  I cried for the lost boy! He had no idea what damage he had done.  He talked with me about going, and I decided I just could not. I could not go celebrate his birthday and then watch him go out with another woman in the evening.  He begged me for the "children's sake!"  I figured they would be perfectly fine.  OR at least fine enough. He said he felt rude leaving me behind.  Well, hey?!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 23

Josh wanted to take the kids out to eat at a local restaurant. It was very hard to not go, but I just could not!  I needed Josh to see that things were not the same.  They just weren't.  He invited me to go. He wanted all of it. I couldn't be a part of "all of it!"  I will be here for him, but he has to see that it's not the same. He called to ask if I needed anything, and he wanted to know if I worked out how much more money I needed for after the baby was born.  My heart just HURT.  It felt like a stab. 

These were the days when Josh's dad would have such a horrible time, I tryed to encourage him not to focus on Josh, not to focus on what Josh had become.  Focus on the fact that we fight not against flesh and blood. And the I believe Josh hates who he has become. Dad feels like a horrible parent; how could he raise a son that could cause such horrible pain.  I would encourage him that he raised a wonderful son that has potential and yet allowed Satan to control him.  Josh's pride has blinded him to Satan's attack on the man of God.  Josh is not LOST forever; we have to stay the course.  Satan wants to destroy destiny.

Josh and the kids brought me candy bars from the store. (so cute)  And when he left they told me all about their evening. I am not sure how pleasant it was with Jael talking to Josh about how Daddy had given up fighting the devil.  Josh replied he was just too tired.  She told him that we never give up fighting, no matter how tired. She was thrilled to hear him say he was sad about not being with her. 

I was supposed to have a c-section the next day, but I canceled it.  I was counting on God's timing in every area of my life. WHY would I allow a doctor to tell me when I would have my baby?

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 22

The day after my fast we had Josh over for dinner. The kids absolutely loved it.  I always used the time to pray over him.  He was so deceived and stubborn.  It was always one more day, one more weekend, one more party, one more bar, one more strip club, and one more woman.  None of this was going to satisfy.  I worried about how much he gambled on one more time.

That night was such an odd night, and I remember calling my mom to tell her that Josh decided to play the piano. He was playing worship songs?  He says he hates God? How do you play songs that mean only one thing? I prayed his spirit would hear those words. That dead parts would be made alive.

When he asked about the baby's do you plan to be at your baby's dedication and yet WHO is he being dedicated, too?  My heart hurt.  I could not, would not, allow him to be a part of the baby's dedication. It seemed like a mockery, but I dreaded the time that I might have to tell him.

The children being more vocal about their feelings actually made me feel better, so even though many of the things they said made me cry...I was so happy.  Abishai wasn't hiding under the table anymore, but he was talking it through.   He often talked about things we USED to do as a family.

Being almost done with pregnancy I really hoped that my tears would not be so continual. I could barely hold a conversation with family without crying. 

BUT it certainly made the pain deep and the fight stronger. The potential and plan God has for our children is really SO great--the lessons they are learning, so early, are HUGE. Satan really was overplaying his hand. He thought he was ruining the plan on their life. My children WILL benefit. This may not be good, but I would see the good come out of it.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 21

Is God okay with all the crying I do? Will my marriage begin to heal if I am still hurting? Will I be "allowed" to cry when Josh comes home? Will I have to be closed up about all of my feelings? Will I believe what Josh tells me? Will I always feel he is a liar? 

I am not sure I ever stopped writing down my questions. I knew if I shared one day I might forget what went through my mind all of the time.  I cried a lot, althought not everyone saw me. 

I was SO scared for Josh's life. As time moved on it became my number one prayer to save Josh's life. I know some people prayed that God would take him before he made to many mistakes, but I needed my husband.  I wanted him to make his life truely right with God.  I was desperate.  Many times Josh even said he was angry with God. He said if God didn't want to help him then he didn't need God. I thought through that question so many times, that it still makes no sense to me. People, God wants to help us. BUT he gave us a free will; we have choices to make.  I asked him one Sunday after church if he knew where he was going: heaven or hell.  He said, "I really don't know!"  I am sure my eyes teared up, but I also went home and cried for a LONG time. I cried out for his soul.  Most of the time, when I spoke with Josh he had a cold, blank stare.  His whole body sagged with guilt and shame. Even if he didn't recognize it, his body told the story.  He was not the same man.  He says he never lost weight but to me, he seemed so sunken.

October 4, I fasted for Josh's soul.  My children fought along side of me, putting on their armor.  It was a good thing I fasted, because it was a hard day for Abishai. He came to me and said he just keeps praying and praying and Daddy doesn't come home.  He said, "I don't think he will ever come home!" 

Lord, please keep my children in the palm of Your hand. Keep them encouraged as to hearing Your voice.  Let them know You are with them and Your hear them. Ministe to their hearts. Encourage them, like I cannot. Keep their hearts tender and true to You. 

These times were always hard for me, because I would just sob when they went to bed. I felt like such a failure. I wasn't protecting them from anything!!  How was I going to teach them?  Even if you do the right things it didn't seem to really work out. I gave Josh my first kiss; my mom approved. We just seemed to do it all right??  I didn't scream at my husband?  I satisfied his sexual needs? I understood that his eyes are prone to wandering???  AND NOW I was dealing with things I never expected?  How would I teach Jael what to do? 

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 20

On October 1st, I revealed to Josh what I meant about standing for my marriage. I revealed to him that it meant forever and always. It meant I was NEVER going to give up. It meant even if he divorced me I was still married to him. It meant.....yes, it meant, EVEN IF YOU GET RE-MARRIED...I am still your wife.  I would be waiting FOREVER.  Wow, had God changed what I REALLY believed.  I know he was surprised. He had been so hateful, and I still wasn't giving up? 

"Your ways are not my ways!"  I knew that I could not give up....I could not bring Josh home but God could guide my through what needed to be done.  I had to lay my will at his feet, and I had to allow God to transform me in His presence.  (most often daily) I had to focus on growing in God and realizing that I would never be done. It was a journey. 

One night I had a dream about my marriage restoration, and it included several other couples, who I don't know.  It included one couple I did know. God is SO amazing. Reading over my journals I had NO recollection of this dream, and the couple I do know HAS been going through it.  I would not at all be surprised if I haven't met the others. God is amazing!!

Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit. 
God continually blessed me with dreams and Scriptures to keep me secure in knowing that I was on the right path. He was the best of friends.

I also had to come to terms with people feeling that I was a doormat.  You, see, not EVERYONE agreed with my stand. Yes, even Christians.  (I do wonder how they feel now?) 

Sometimes I did feel like a doormat, but for the sake of Josh's soul it seemed worth it.  Wasn't Christ treated the same way?  I was trying to be Christ-like.  I did have boundries, but I was showing unconditional love. I was secure in who I was, in Christ.   I have treated God so much worse, when He deserved the best. How do you learn to turn the other cheek, if you never get slapped?   Don't get me wrong, I don't think I deserved to be treated this way. BUT I have to look at the fact that Christ never deserved ANY of the wrong that he received. 

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 19

The things that hurt my children grew deeper and deeper. Simple answers didn't seem to work, and the questions got harder.

Jael wanted to know if I started running from God who would take care of her?  I still sometimes deal with these things, because they have decided that a few people they know just "run from God."  They almost feel like it's something you do?  Praying about this sad as it is. 

One night the kids and I decided to go to Chili's for dinner; we were there for almost 2 1/2 hours.  Josh doesn't tend to be the type that likes to hang out for extra time at a restaurant.  We called him just in time to order dessert and invited him to come join us.  Yes, I know!! I told you that God had me do some ODD things.  He accepted the invitation.  I remember a preview for Saw IV coming on, and he quickly made the kids turn away.  Why?  He still had it in him. He still KNEW the kid's spirits needed protecting.  I immediately prayed for the realization that he had spent years not protecting his own spirit.

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 18

Is it getting too long and drawn out for you? It's can come back next month. I will write something that only has "CHEERY" parts in it!

I can't tell you how many times I said, "God's mercies are new every morning!"  I found myself really needing to watch my temper towards my kids. I watched it so carefully with Josh and then I wouldn't with the only ones that were still sticking by me.  I prayed grace over their little spirits. I repented for my attitude.  They seemed so disobedient. I am sure it was hard having everything ripped out from under you.

Daddy played a good divorced Dad.  When he took them out they got whatever they wanted.  This wasn't the daddy they knew??  I had to watch that I wasn't angry about the fact that I only got $100 a week to take care of everything we needed: groceries, paper products, pet food, and toiletries.  There was no extra money for "fun stuff."  Now, to clarify Josh DID tell me I could ask him for more, but I was going to show him that we could DO IT!

I still had my boundries, although God seemed to continue softening my heart. I made sure that our house was a safe zone. I had prayers taped all over my bathroom walls, and I didn't want him knowing what I was doing.  He needed to face God on his own.  I didn't want to lead him towards God or stand in his way.  He was very upset that he wasn't allowed in the house. It goes back to my believing that the Holy Spirit was calling him home, whether he liked it or not.

God continually softened and changed my heart more than I could have ever dreamed. I originally thought that Josh had given up his family he was going to feel some pain.  I wasn't going to allow him to be in the surgery room for Levi's delivery. I was going to make him see what he gave up and ALWAYS feel it.  BUT for restoration sake how could I?  How could I not stick with believing that someday he would come home. How could I make a decision that would leave Levi feeling left out, like Daddy wasn't there?  The kids might not remember, but it wouldn't be the same.  I needed to show him unconditional love. And THAT love would never push him away?  Yikes!!  Decision, decisions!!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 17

Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to!!!  My confidence in God grew by leaps and bounds each day. When Josh came to pick up the kids for a dinner date I would anoint his truck with oil and pray over it and speak LIGHT into the dark places. God was amazing. I could hold the kids when they were crying and speak without doubt that Josh WAS coming home. I didn't know WHEN, but I knew he was!!!  God reminded me of Mark 9:24.

Josh thought that he could be the same Daddy as he was when he was at home, but he quickly learned that it wasn't possible. He could not be at every appointment, since a lot of our things were at church it made it all the more difficult for him.  As time passed Josh's heart grew colder and colder towards God.  I grew more on fire than ever before.  I had to watch that I didn't become a head stander but a heart stander.  My thoughts were a constant battle for me, always wondering what Josh was doing.  He frequently called to chat with me (yeah, I don't get it either).  He applied for the Paso PD, and he considered CHP.  I checked my spirit, that was HARD.  He would just MOVE away from us?  Yikes!!  I welcomed our conversations although it never made any sense. 

Josh came to our house for dinner; he noticed the pictures back on the wall. I prayed that when he was at home he had a peace that passed all understanding.  When the pendulum would swing home he would ask me things like what the baby's name was going to be, how I was doing, that he was writing the baby's dedication song, etc.  What?  Yeah, you think about it!

Time brought firsts that I never thought I would experience.....going to the movies alone, parades without help.  Listening to Josh talk about all of his excuses for his behavior started to just hit a deaf ear.  It was all lies.  I was the complete opposite of the life he was pursuing.  My mind often wandered to "what ifs" so I had to keep it in check.   

Josh frequently made appearances at places he was not welcome to be at, but it didn't stop him.  I never did understand that.  My stand to reconcile did not waver, but that never meant I didn't want to move away. I sometimes wanted to run away! I reminded myself that I was a good wife and no other woman was REALLY gonna compare to me. I was TOUGH competition!

God used countless people to bless me with money, too!  God always took care of me!

Jael was my little prophet. She told Josh that he had to keep fighting the devil; it's like knocking and knocking no matter how tired you are.  She wants him to fight.

I continued to stand in the gap for Josh's soul, and I even managed to pray for the other woman! Wow, was God using me!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 16

I struggled with wanting to hear Josh's voice, wanting to touch him, just be near him. You see, since I asked God to keep my heart was!  I missed him terribly.  Every so often the Lord would lead me to give him a hug and tell him I loved him.  Wow, was God working on me! Love him?  Yes, I gave my heart to this man.  I let him know that no matter what condition he was in; he could come home. When he "stopped" by the house to say, "HI!" I always knew the next day would be worse. 

Why did he stop?  Well, he had to stay connected in some way.  Do I think he told the other woman? No!  Here's the fact....we were ONE FLESH!......LET NO MAN PUT ASUNDER.  We can try all we want, but it's not going to tear nicely.  Josh couldn't separate as easily as he would like.  AND I also knew that "greater is He that is in me, than ANYTHING (anyone) in the world!"  I had something nobody else could match. He was MY HUSBAND, and I had God on my side!!

The baby's birth was so close; I had to go to appointments without Josh. AND he never called. It was so hard.  I knew that if I was strong on my own that I would quickly be bitter.  The strength people saw was ONLY GOD, and He kept my heart soft.  I chose the baby's name, as I could not deal with the name Solomon. (the name Josh had picked)   Levi Joseph would be the baby's name.  Levi was the priest, the go between for man and God. Joseph for all of God's promises that seemed so unlikely.  Joseph never knew when he would receive his promises.  Only seconds before...and he still had no idea. I knew that God would make this happen SUDDENLY.  NOTHING around me was going to dictate when it would happen.  Levi Joseph means "a union supported by Jehovah."  I would HAVE this one day.

As my desire for my husband grew I still had to make sure my heart was in the right place; I could leave no doors open for the enemy.  I wore my wedding ring.  Josh may not have wanted to be married, but I was married. Plain and simple!  

Doing things without Josh was still so hard, even after two months. BUT God always had something planned to encourage me. Words from people, neon signs (one said, "coming back to Him"), or billboards speaking of marriage restoration. 

The kids weren't moping around as much, but every so often you could tell they were thinking of things.  Abishai said that when Daddy stopped running from God he wanted Daddy to carry him to bed, and when he got up in the middle of the night he wanted Daddy to give him a banana.  They finally were getting WHEN...they KNEW he was going to come home!! AND they had plans for him!  Jael wanted him to take off a Tuesday? (I have no idea why a TUESDAY!)  BUT they were planning for him.  It would be a celebration.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 15

Almost 2 months since he had been gone. It seemed like God would continually ask me to do things that made no sense. For instance, inviting Josh to eat with us at Chili's for dinner.  I had finally given him over to God, no longer did I feel the urge to convince him to come home.  The Holy Spirit was going to fight that battle for me.  As I focused on God the daily things became easier and easier.  I missed my best friend, but I was encouraged by how well I was dealing with things. 

Luke 1:45 And blessed is she that believed: for there shall be a performance of those things which were told her from the Lord. 

My soul magnified the Lord!!! No matter how dead my marriage may look God loves restoration, and he hates divorce.  My worship was going to set captives FREE, and I was ready for Josh to be set free.  God heals hurting marriages, and he sides with the covenant.  I knew if I stuck with what God would happen. I could only fail if I gave up! 

As time went on Jael got even more fiesty. It seemed as I learned to keep my mouth shut she became God's mouthpiece. She would tell Josh he needed to stop running from God or he was going to be unhappy. I continually reminded her that God was the only one who could change Daddy's heart, so to pray!
Abishai was getting better, and he learned to be my warrior. Ezekiel grew up fast, and they both would chant, "Fight, Fight, Fight!"  Fists to the sky.....they were not giving up the fight.  He would tell you he was part of Mommy's army, and he fights the devil. 

They often talked about Daddy and him tucking them in, playing with them, and talking to him whenever they wanted.  I was happy to allow them to express things out loud; it seemed to help them work through it. BUT I always brought it back to the fact that Daddy WAS going to come home.  We had to wait on God. 

As God worked on me he helped change my heart and attitude. All of the wedding pictures were put back up, everything got put back where it should be. If Josh was coming home the house needed to be ready for him to come home.  My actions had to reflect my heart's desire.  I was ready. 

Dad would get so frustrated with how long it was taking. I was getting better the longer it took, because I felt like it just gave God more time to fix Josh.  The Holy Spirit was moving on my behalf. AND I knew that outward circumstances did NOT reflect what was going to happen SUDDENLY.

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 14

As much as some days I would have liked to give up; how could I?  The kids needed their daddy.  I had not done any harm; I kept Josh's name in tact, as best I could. If I gave up praying for Josh to return I would have chosen to hurt them. I had to keep standing. 

Jael continued over time to understand what was going on...why was Daddy forgetting the important things?  How did I answer those questions?  I didn't want to bad mouth Josh.  She would ask him questions when he would call like, if he remembered Halloween was bad, if he reads his Bible.  She would seem to understand and then it would be brushed aside. I was glad for those moments where it wasn't weighing on her. 

God encouraged me with his Word or revelation.  I was showering one day and I heard God tell me that Josh WOULD bow down.  It was September 23, I had no idea how long it would still be before this was all over.  THAT morning Josh was in church.  Church? What on earth?  Why?  He went to lunch with us, why?  I could not be angry that he was in church, but it still made no sense.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 13

I realize this is getting long. It's still gonna be a while, too! 

During this season of my life, I hesitated to share so many things because those around me needed to stay encouraged. I needed them to stay upbeat.  Dad would get so angry when I would mention a hateful thing that was said.  Josh will tell you that his goal was for me to hate him so that when he filed for divorce I would freely give it to him. 

BUT I had made a decision to respect him all the days of his life.  He didn't need to earn it; I was doing it unto the Lord. Josh said many times he didn't feel the love of God, well, he was going to feel it through me. I would love him to the best of my ability the way God loved him. 

Josh would tell me that he never wanted to marry me that he was made to marry me. I was just a rebound off of a bad relationship. I had to constantly remind myself that Satan was using Josh as his mouthpiece. I wanted to throw away all of the letters from our past.  Weren't they all lies anyway?

Our town is small, so I knew we might run into him someday. We did! While at the gas station he was just so friendly, ready to tell me about his plans for the evening.  Sometimes it still makes no sense how thrilled he was to tell me about his escapades. He knew I was the one who liked to constantly go places.  I just grinned and dealt with it. 

This was my prayer:

In Jesus' name I pull down and destroy every stronghold, imagination, argument, and high things that reaises itself against the knowledge of God's word in Josh's heart.  I pull down the strongholds of pride, arrogance, sexual addiction. I take Josh's thought captive to the obedience of Jesus Christ and bind his heart to God's word of truth. When he walks about, it will guide him. When he sleeps it will watch over him, and when Josh awakens it will talk to him.  

Time was running out....Jael was worried Daddy was going to keep running from God. The baby was almost going to be here.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 12

Josh typically spent once a week with the kids, taking them out to eat and such. If Jael could talk Josh into coming to church they might see him more.  She was always trying to get him to come.  She sang on Wednesdays, and asked Josh to come. He said, "No!"  The tears flowed from her like I have never seen. She was heartbroken.  He wasn't coming?  I think she was finally realizing even SHE could not bring Daddy home.  As time went on they realized only God was going to do that!

Some of the odd things I have mentioned about Josh doing were things like asking me if I had firewood?  Why did he care about me having wood?  I certainly didn't want to build my own fires.  I was having a baby in less than a month!

September 20, 2007, was officially the day I let Josh go...for real!  I had hung on long enough.  He seemed more comfortable with his life.  I was having the best pregnancy I could have imagined.  The nights were long and lonely, and it was hard to see the kids adjust to Josh being gone.  They started talking about their birthdays and how they would have one with Mommy and one with Daddy.  A child should never have to think about that.  Those things made me cry even more. 

Jael asked if Daddy was running away from her, Abishai, and Ezekiel, just like God.  I reassured her that no, it was not the same. All the while screaming inside that it sure seemed the same to me, too! She wanted to know if he still loved her.  I would grin and bear the questions. 

The worst question: "Does Daddy love you, Mommy?"    I cried....Jael said, "Oh, Mom, I know Daddy loves you!"  How does a 5 year old deserve that?  Josh was angry about how fast he had to grow up. He said he was made to be old and deal with things that were difficult.  I could not deal with the fact that he was making our 5 year old do the same thing he was mad he had to do?  Oh, God; Oh, God!  Help me.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 11

Daja wanted me to know that God spoke to her and said, "bear their shame!"  She asked God exactly what that meant, crying out for an answer.  She received it, and because of the Lord's leading, (and Gana's approval)  she cut her hair off.  It was so short; I cried and cried.  My family cared so much, and Josh cared so little. In fact, we didn't even tell Josh she did it.  When he found out, he was irritated.  He thought it was stupid. 

A double-minded man is unstable in all of his ways.  Josh was so two-sided; he didn't care and yet the part of him that was still attached to me (his own flesh) could not easily separate himself.  For months, he continued to call me, Babe!  As I became more stable in my emotions and seeing God work I was better able to deal with all of these things.  God lead me to, and it answered so many questions for me. 

I was continually being taught by God how to let go.  In the beginning, I would hack into Josh's e-mail account and delete e-mails he received from people. I was trying to protect him, trying to keep him from getting into more trouble.  The funny thing was...he lied to me constantly about how happy he was; how this was the best relationship he could have ever asked for.  If that was true, why still look? 

Satan knew my weakness and he used Josh to manipulate me. I constantly tried to remember this. Since Abishai, especially, had gotten so bad I finally told Josh he could not see Abishai for a period of time.  I just needed Abishai to get better. So, he wasn't allowed to call and talk to them for a while. It was too hard on them, every time speaking to them would cause crying.  I had to spend hours comforting them and then answering questions about why he wasn't coming home.  

It ended up being 2 weeks, and it didn't seem to make a big difference in Abishai's behavior, so I figured he should see his Daddy.  Papa spent lots of time with the boys, wrestling with them and trying to keep them focused on playing.  Jael had not seen her Daddy for 3 weeks, as she stayed with the Gombojav's for a week.  She had the time of her life. I tried to give them something to do other than focusing on the negative. 

After that time, Josh asked if he could seem them, I agreed. He spent 30 minutes. I could not even believe it. Only 30 minutes?  What happened to my husband?  I learned to cope with these times thinking of the pendulum on a clock. As Josh swung closer to home where he ought to be it would have to swing back, further away. Someday it would swing home for the last time.  I believed it.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 10

Many things happened through the course of Josh being gone that never made any sense to any of us, including him wanting to come hang out with family on Labor Day. Of course, he was with "her" before he came to spend time at his parents. On top of the fact that he spent a majority of the day texting "her."  

Josh spent many years lying and deceiving me. I had no idea. He played the part of family man and husband very well.  After I caught him the first time he went out and got a second phone; he just paid the bill when he got money. He would hide money to fund his "fun!"

Once he left, I got a call from him saying he really wanted to get together with me to tell me the whole truth. We sat at the park for at least 3 hours discussing everything that had gone on for the last 8 years of our marriage. He told me way more things than any wife should ever have to hear come out of her husband's mouth.  To this day I choose to not think of those things, although, on a bad day it creeps up. 

On Labor day, especially, it hurt.  Watching him text the whole time, then excuse himself for the evening. Wasn't he supposed to go home with us?  Anyway, I had the "other woman's"  cell phone so I texted her to lay off.  She got very bold with me and told me that she was going to call the cops on me if anyone in my family ever set foot in her neighborhood again.  I text her back and said. "Well, MY HUSBAND is on his way!"  She was furious.  I was actually very proud of myself.  At this point I was so worried about Josh though. I knew we had ruined his evening, because he called me to yell at me. He said to stay out of his life.  Of course, I wanted to scream.  Mom, Daja, and I drove all over town looking for him. We drove by every bar we could think of...he was no where to be found.  Although, he had said that he no longer had a relaltionship with her I knew better in my spirit.  I had no proof.  Josh said he was drinking; you see, this was the first time Josh had EVER had an alcoholic beverage.  I made sure he knew that if he needed a ride I would pick him up.  Later, I found out that it WAS all a lie....he WAS at her house. 

Josh told everyone he was getting a divorce. The woman he was with was also getting one, so they both excused their behavior as "comforting one another!"  The lies we tell ourselves are ridiculous.  BUT at this point I knew that it no longer mattered WHO; it only mattered that Josh's soul was LOST.

If Josh would find God, then I would have Josh. Plain and simple!

Josh took off work and went out of town with "her!"  He had a whole lie worked up about a baseball game, tickets for free, etc.  Why the lies?  It's not like I didn't know he was being horrible??  To be honest, those were the times I just knew that Josh's heart was not entirely "gone!"

He made sure to call the children and he blessed them with a blessing of them fulfilling God's plans for their life!! He was not totally lost, but he was blind and deaf. 

September 17th, 2009, a fast was called specifically for Josh.  We fasted from 6 am-8pm.  I have lists of the people who participated; it was amazing to see my family and friends join with me on behalf of my husband's soul. 

That same time I had to go into my doctor's office to be checked for STD's.  I cried. Why should I have to be tested? This was NEVER part of the plan!  I wasn't ever bad. My first kiss was to this man; why would I have to be checked for STDs?   I was in shame.

Daja e-mailed me, THAT was another undoing......

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 9

I hope you don't mind how long this is getting, but I really need to get it all down for the sake of writing a book someday. You know?

I had decided that my children really needed to be on the same page as me. We would pray for Daddy together. We needed to be in this battle together.

Prayers of my children, early on:

Abishai:  God, please hold Daddy's hand real tight.
Jael: she repented for her Daddy at the Feast of Trumpets, throwing a rock into the ocean. (so that his sins would be forgiven) 

Many times they had their ups and downs, too! I continually had to keep them focused.  At one point, Abishai said he didn't love Daddy anymore because he was running from God.  We had to talk about the fact that he DOES love Daddy.

Jael was in shock that when you run from believe in Him less. How could anyone do that?
It bothered her as time went on that Daddy stopped blessing her in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

She often asked why Daddy was creating a whole new family of people, all running from God.  She knew nothing of his relationship, so this was all what she was feeling. Questions of Christmas, Thanksgiving, the baby's birth, and her birthday were frequently asked....wondering if he would be back!!

How did I protect their hearts? I had no idea!!!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 8

September 9, 2007

Could it REALLY be a month???  This was the longest we had every been apart.  I had so many decisions to make.  My life was in such limbo.  I had never had to cook for just me!  My life revolved around Josh.  The kids knew they were not number 1 in my life; they never were! 

I had to decide if I wanted to celebrate the Feast of Trumpets. (a Jewish holiday)  It was so hard to plan life without Josh. I so badly wanted him to be a part of our life.  My heart was staying soft towards him, and I believe it was only God's grace. I hurt so deeply.  My heart was getting a glimpse of the fact that it wasn't about US anymore; it was about HIS salvation.  I wasn't sure if the kids could handle what the holiday meant. Without repentance, the judgment was hell.  I wondered if they would think of Josh? 

By this time, Josh had moved out of our house.  He found a room to rent.  Wow, it was so unreal!!  He moved a lot of his things out. I could not believe how empty my closet was. I immediately filled it and spread all of my things out.  Hey, it was MY closet now, right? 

I took all of our pictures down.  I didn't want to see his face.  It was such a rollercoaster of emotions for me. What was I feeling; I still seemed to be so torn. HATE AND LOVE??? 

Josh would still call and bless the kids???? It really made no sense to me. He said he wanted nothing to do with God. How do you bless your kids then?  He told me it wasn't a spiritual thing.  Oh, ok! 

When he found out about Abishai he told me to make sure I wasn't giving him too much ice cream, since we didn't want him growing up with a complex!  Are you serious?? I wanted to SCREAM!!!!  What on earth was he doing? A complex??? Don't you think leaving your family is a whole lot worse than ice cream?  When your 3 year old son misses his daddy so much he is depressed!!!  Anyway, I would keep my mouth shut.  Some of these things were battles I no longer wanted to fight.   I would continue doing my best.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 7

Something I wrote for Josh when he was gone....I purposed to call him WHO he was, not WHO he was acting like. 

Josh is my perfect husband.
Josh is faithful to me.
Josh is a mighty warrior man of God, that God created.
He will NOT miss his destiny in God.
He is serving with all of his health and strength.
He is fulfilling the promise and potential God planted inside him before he was born.
He is the perfect father to his children--the way God designed.
He is a faithful man of God, faithful to his family and his calling.
Josh is humble.
Josh is the righteousness of God.
Josh is a broken, repentant man.
He feels God's love and mercy like never before.

I am happy to say he IS that man today, but he was not!!! I asked God not to bring him condemnation but to bring conviction to his heart.  I knew we would come out bigger, better, and stronger than before. 

Many nights I would awaken scared for Josh's life.  It would lead me to pray; I didn't want him to miss out on anything God had for him.  It still wasn't over, was it?

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 6

I had to determine in my heart and express to God that no matter what it cost and how long my trial I wanted him to get the maximum glory!!

I wanted the trial to bring me into a more intimate relationship with Him, and become a more passionate lover for Jesus. 

I needed him to reveal to me what he wanted to teach me, related to any causes and purposes for the fire.

Psalm 32:8  I will instruct you and teach you the way you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you.

God was never going to trust me with prominence unless I was learning to be content with obscurity. I was completely ruined for ordinary life.  I would NEVER be the same. 

August 22, 2007, I wrote this:

I don't know how to pray.
I don't know the words to say.
Help me, Lord, to stay
In Your presence all the way.
Give me the words I need to speak!!

My strength was gone.  I asked the Lord what I was going to do if things didn't work out the way I wanted?  It had already been almost two weeks! It seemed like an eternity.  Little did I know how bad it was going to get. 

By this point, Abishai was very depressed. I had called all of the family to pray. His behavior concerned me.  He would sit in our recliner for a few hours at a time. He would tell me he was just sad about Daddy.  He would ask to go to bed early or just go find a place to lie down and fall asleep.  My heart was broken; I wanted to protect my baby. 

Ezekiel was still too little.  AND Jael was too much like her mommy....she wasn't backing down. 

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 5

Days would go by, and I would be so distraught. I would spend hours going over the same questions.  Figuring out HOW this was going to work out exhausted me.  Being almost 8 months pregnant did NOT help.  God's grace was over me every bit of the way.  Every pregnany before this one, I suffered from high blood pressure.  I would swell and my numbers would be horrible.  NOT ONCE did I have a problem!! I was thrilled!!!

Sometimes I wanted to go beat the crap (sorry) out of the other woman. I wanted to voice my opinion.  But seriously, 8 months pregnant?  Another thing, how was I going to maintain MY dignity and beat someone up?  Believe me! I remember sitting outside a local bar with my friend, both of us pregnant contemplating HOW we could look COOL going into a bar and telling them off?  We never did figure it out! God kept me calm SO many times, but it didn't mean I never had thoughts cross my mind.

I would cry out, "Lord, take my unbelief;" "Help me!"  (Mark 9:24)

I needed God to help me stand for what was right; I did NOTHING in my own strength. 

I Corinthians 7:10 was my scripture.  Let not the wife depart from her husband: but and if she depart let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband.  What option did I have? 

I Corinthians 7:39  The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead she is at liberty to marry to whom she will, only in the Lord. 

To say that I never wished to remarry would have been a lie. I would often wonder WHAT was I going to do with four children and no husband?

Always, in my times of despair, the Lord would give me a scripture. 

Jeremiah 31: 16, 17  Thus saith the Lord, Refrain thy voice from weeping, and thine eyes from tears: for thy work shall be rewarded, saith the Lord; and they shall come again from the land of the enemy.  And their is hope in thine end, saith the Lord, that this children shall come again to their own border. 

Many times I needed to call Josh's dad and encourage him with things like this. I would go to his work, and he would just have tears streaming down his face. If Dad saw me...he cried!  It was a tough time, for all of us!!

BUT GOD was still teaching me so many things........through this time Josh was still going in and out. BUT this all sets the foundation for HOW I could do what I did. 

It took God and His revelation power!

Friday, February 5, 2010

My Husband Rocks~Friday

It takes great courage and strength for me to share my story, but I don't want to forget that, for Josh, this has to be so difficult.  His entire life is being laid out for all of you to read. AND he said it was fine.  We have grown so much over the last couple of years, and he has been willing to have our story be a light to others. BUT can you imagine having everything "out there?"  This is a story of hope, but I am SO proud of him allowing me to share so much.  I know God is turning what was HORRIBLE into something that is GOOD!!!

Thank you, Babe, for letting me share our story. I love you more than I could have ever dreamed possible. 

You have been on the edge a few times, but I have never seen you jump in until NOW. 
You are a great leader, and I want to follow you in the Lord. 

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 4

Some things I learned:

1. By having the revelation of the character of God, which only comes from having studied it, word by word from His word--especially His love, His Justice, and His faithfulness.  I really learned a lot about His love and faithfulness.

2. We need to discipline our thoughts to keep focusing on the Lord Jesus through the day.

3. Praise and worship God vocally as a way of life.

4. Engage in spiritual warfare as directed in Ephesians 6:10-18.  The kids and I put on our armor EVERY DAY, and I started putting the armor of God on Josh as well.  We were two but one flesh; how could I NOT want him protected. I did what I could.   I never prayed harm on him, because how would I want harm on my own body?

5. It is important to pray regularly for others who are suffering, and to keep obedient to all the priorities God shows us.  Deut. 28:1-15

6.  Realize we can't go through the fiery trial without the help, prayers, encouragement, and comfort of others.

7. To survive the fire and not be burned, keep in God's precious Word.

8.  When we are hurting the most, and there's liitle or no change and the temptation to discouragement is strong, we can always cry out to God for a special Rhema word of encouragement. 

9. If it's a testing of faith, believe that God is in control of the flames. 

10.  God's timing!!! His delays are NOT His denials.

Psalm 118  God's mercry endureth forever. 

It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man.  God gave me a promise that if I didn't give up I would have my husband returned to me. 

In the natural, things only seemed to be getting worse and worse. BUT with God NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE.  

I had to let Josh go.  I let him go in God's hands.  HE was much safer in God's hands than in mine.  Josh was still staying in the garage; he was coming in and out.  He treated me like a babysitter, and sometimes it infuriated me.

For a long time I allowed him to freely go in and out of the house, because I wanted him to know what he was missing. 

It was very odd for me not to have the man who locked doors for me, built the fires, killed mice and frogs.  Josh offered frequently to do all of those things, and I would remind myself that it was the part of him that KNEW it was his job. 

I stopped preaching at him about all the things he should have considered. I wanted him to SEE it, to GET it, to UNDERSTAND...I limited my preaching.  

After he moved to the garage I moved ALL of his things into a box. I couldn't deal with it! I was so upset.  GOD would soon be working on me through all of's amazing to see how HE can change a heart that is headed for bitterness.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 3

I am not sure exactly how to write this because there is SO much, but I am going to keep writing....and I guess you will keep reading.

Looking over my journals is somewhat heart-breaking and yet encouraging. God really was my ALL. 

Some of the things I write will be EXACTLY how I wrote them in my journal, just to give you a sense of what I was feeling and HOW I cried out to Him.

I believed the purpose and plan for Josh's life was so great that this bondage HAD to be be public in order for it to be BROKEN once and for all.  This cannot be broken by anything other than true intimacy with God and then Josh could walk in His calling. 

Josh lacked the true FEAR OF GOD. 

I chose not to give up or stand down.  This was MY family.  I thought it took me longer to "get there!" BUT apparently, I made my decision early on in the ordeal--to stick with Josh. 

I hung onto God's Word like it was my only hope....(shouldn't it always be that way?)

Isaiah 25:8 He will swallow up death in victory: and the Lord God will wipe away my tears from my face: and the rebuke of His people shall he take away from off all the earth: for the Lord hath spoken it. 

Deciding I would remain fighting no matter how tired led me to even tell my mother that no matter HOW bad it got, always remind me that I made a decision to FIGHT and NEVER give up.  It's so much easier to make that decision when it's just beginning then to figure out HOW to make that decision later.  I never once turned my back on my decision. 

For those who think I didn't deal with all of the resentments and frustrations I did...I wrote them down, and then I gave them to God.  AND then I might write them again the next day.

Here were a few at the BEGINNING of my journey:

How could he say he loves me?
How do you do this and make deliberate choices not to change--saying that you still love and care?
Sinning and not repenting is a true act of hatred?  Why?

I am a good wife; how do you throw that away?
He knew I would be here, so he just walked away!
He knows his children will be raised well, because of me....that's so UNFAIR!

I am scared for his life, and I resent the fact that he doesn't have to deal with the pain of losing the one you love. The pain of questions and hurting from our children?  Why??

See, when Josh moved to the garage he kept saying he would only be sinning like this for a while; he would come back someday. He still cared?  How do you even BEGIN to make sense of that or not be angry?  How do you hang onto what God called you to do and not feel like you are being walked all over?

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Taking Some Time To Pray

I really need to take some time to pray about how to continue my story. I don't want it to be about detail after detail. Although, the point of my writing it this way, so far, has been to show the emotion and heartache I felt. Some of those people I have come across have the idea that I didn't spend many nights in tears, filled with overwhelming grief. Questions after questions! I questioned myself; I questioned God.

My story needs to be a testimony...I know this. BUT I don't want it to be about letting everyone into all the details of my life.  I want it to minister to someone. I want it to touch those DEEP areas of your heart that make you say..."Wow, I can work on my marriage, even through the pain!"  I can go through pain and still survive.  When I do continue I believe you will see how much my dependece on God grew. How my only way to cope through even the daily things was because of God's love surrounding me.

My need to protect my husband still runs deep.  I have never shared EVERYTHING that has happened with everyone, and I probably won't.  Even Josh read some of this stuff and he remembers only some.  It's amazing what the devil can do to our hearts as we allow him to take over. He deafens our ears!  Please keep me in your prayers as I hear God's voice on how to really continue.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 2

Honestly, the next week or so was such a blurr. Josh had no intention of changing his behavior. My mind was reeling. How do I explain to the kids what is happening?  I stayed at Mom and Dad's for a few days, and then I went back home.  I cried a lot, of course.  BUT I still had no answers!!! 

When I got home I had a conversation with Josh about what needed to be done.  He moved out to the garage we had, and that was it.  Josh would go to work in the morning, come home, take a shower, then leave, returning home at midnight.  Sometimes he would stay for dinner, but I never planned things around him.  My life seemed so out of sorts.  Josh attended church with us, sitting on the front row.  That first Sunday I barely made it through the first song.  No one knew what was going on. We all still thought that Josh would come to his senses and things could move forward. I told my mom, that Sunday, what was happening.  I figured it was a problem that wasn't going away.  BUT no one else knew, yet.

Josh's parents got back from a cruise and I headed out the door. I told Josh's parents I was leaving and I didn't know where I was going or for how long. I told them I would definitely keep in contact.  I have never seen Mom get ready for a trip so fast! She packed everything and came along for the ride. She didn't want me going alone.  I needed to get away. So, the kids, Mom, and I headed on a road trip.  I just told them that Daddy had to work, but we would have lots of fun.  We kept the charade up, for them!  As far as they were concerned things were okay. We went to Solvang and spent the night.  We ate ice cream, and then headed to "the cousins" house.  It was so hard to figure out how things would EVER get back to making sense.

Josh called every night to check up on the kids, to bless them. He called while we were on the road...furious because I was leaving. Hey, wait a minute??? Leaving????  He was so confused; we had a few conversations that lasted hours. Blaming all of our marital issues on me seemed like the right thing to do at the time, apparently.  It truely seems like I am writing a fictional story.   

Once we got to the cousin's house we realized their church was having a big conference. I got to hear Lou Engle for the first time.  Daja's (Gana's and the cousin's) church was amazing; I really enjoyed it. Although, I cried through a lot of it.  I got to meet a few of her pastors.  We stood in the lobby and prayed fervently for Josh, praying against spirits and against the death of our marriage.  I felt so good, even hopeful.

Going home seemed like the right thing to do, so we did.  A family wedding was going to be that weekend, and I figured it was best to not let everyone know what was going on.  If we didn't show up, then everyone would know.  Well, nothing was different. I spent a lot of time talking with Josh's mom, trying to make sense of it all. 

The wedding was SO hard to attend. Listening to those vows, listening to two people pledge their love. I know that it can be FOREVER, but I wanted it to be. What was wrong? Why didn't it work for me? I explained to everyone that Josh was sorry he couldn't make it; he had work.  I could barely keep it together. Especially when Grandma gave me a hug and kiss and asked me to pass it along. 

Dad was mad; mom was confused.  How could their ONLY SON be so cold? We still followed the same routine.....Josh went to work; Josh came home; Josh took a shower, played with the kids, then he left.  Those evenings were torture.  I chatted with my mom, often. I looked online for some hope of someone who had gone through this before.  I found a website and bookmarked it, but I continued to just chat with my mom and CRY.  I had to chat, as if I talked she wouldn't understand a word I said. (since I would make no sense through my crying) 

Every weekend my mom would show up to take care of me, sit with me, cry with me. Of course, since we had always gone to lunch after church. Josh would attend church, and then we would all go to lunch.  Did any of that make any sense??? NO!!!!! 

By this time, I had finally told Josh he needed to explain to the kids what was going on.  So, he did!  He told them "Daddy is running from God!"  That was it!  I had realized it. 


Monday, February 1, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 1

Driving out of the deli parking lot was a huge rush of emotions, so I pulled over and texted Josh.  I asked him what he was doing there; who he was meeting and that he needed to tell me immediately.  He just said, "We'll talk about it later!"  

My trip home seemed like it took forever. I got the kids inside and I put them all down for a nap.  Being 7 months pregnant did not making my racing heart slow down. As soon as they were all settled I called Josh's mom to ask her if she could come to my house.  I couldn't bring myself to call my mom, as I didn't want to tarnish Josh's reputation so quickly.  Wanting to protect him was my whole life.

Mom showed up about 10 minutes later to find me practically hyperventilating and then the tears flowed as I explained what had happened over the last 9 months.  She was, to say the least, STUNNED, SHOCKED, MORTIFIED, and in disbelief.  She called Josh to tell him he needed to come home. He said, "No!"  He would come home when he was done with work.  Mom stayed with me until the kids got up and then she took them to her house to play, so they wouldn't be around when Josh did make his appearance.

Josh arrived, finally, but AFTER he did a few errands.  He arrived cold-hearted and mean--a completely different person. He had truely given Satan permission to use his life in which ever way he chose. He immediately became Satan's mouthpiece.  I explained to Josh that he needed to give up the woman, immediately, in order for our marriage to survive. (although, I didn't know how it was going to anyway)

Josh refused. He wasn't going to give her up. Mom just sat in disbelief.  Dad arrived when he got off work to confront Josh.  I am not sure Josh had ever defied the wishes of his Dad.  He always did whatever he was told.  Dad said it had to be over, and Josh said, "NO!"

I remember, so clearly, Dad turning to me and saying I needed to go to the court house the next day and start filing for separation.  Josh was so cold-hearted.  He didn't care, at all!  So, we left him there, sitting on the couch.

Three children and in only three months I would be having another baby...........what was I going to do?