Thursday, April 1, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 63

Hosea 7:14  there is a crying in true repentance

Yearly, get-togethers for the holidays brought bitter-sweet emotions. Thinking about how Josh almost missed it, and then having to do things and keep it together and be strong. 

Who was going to see us together, that saw "them" together?  I was emotionally drained.  Josh thought about the future, but he rarely talked about fixing the damage of the past.  Josh's philosophy just included time. 

Thinking about the words he spoke sometimes escaped him, like asking me if we should keep the mattress he bought!  He thought maybe we could keep it for the kids, if I didn't want it?  For real?  We stopped fighting about these things; most of the time I would calmly give my answer, then go cry later. Many people talked about how nice I was to him, but he always argued.  He felt I made things difficult, and I complained to much.  My heart ached for some sympathy from my husband. 

Josh says he felt no guilt or shame after having sex with other woman, this was so hard for me to swallow. I am certainly glad he didn't lie, but I could not imagine.  Many things still needed a major cleansing. 

Did Josh even know what he wanted? Sometimes ministry, sometimes a farm, sometimes neighbors, sometimes he liked to do things, other times he liked home?  Which was it? 

I knew ONE thing I wanted.....I wanted him to HATE what he did out there.  I didn't hear hate; I heard a longing to return. Yes, still....over a month and it still was far from over!

He said he would fake it until he feels it; I wondered if he would ever feel it? Would I ever know? It's so hard to hear your husband say he is faking it!