Friday, April 2, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 64

Giving your child a taste of alcohol in order to make them realize they don't like it?  Where do these thoughts come from? Did Josh filter all of his beliefs through God or the world? 

Struggles with family over our life together weighed on me, moving was something we felt we needed to do. BUT everyone did not agree.  I hated going against the feelings of others.  Yes, even though I could stand my ground for my marriage, some things were still very hard for me.  Not everyone was feeling good about where we were in our marriage. Understandably, of course! 

Josh's apologies were empty, but they were there. So, it was me! Hey, he wasn't still gone?

I felt so foolish at times. We were moving to another state, and I had a husband who specifically said he had no feelings for me.  I didn't understand WHY he had no feelings for me.  When did he think he would have some?  I did NOT feel foolish when it came to knowing what I was walking into. I knew that Josh's problems with women would not go away with moving, but I knew for me that healing would be easier. 

I felt I was risking it all, a risk to hurt again.  It was hard to give my hear to someone that had so easily crushed it.  My heart still hurts; I still cry, but in that, I feel!  If I stop crying and hurting it won't heal properly,  If I pretend that it's not there and deal with it, unexpectedly my heart will start to bleed because it wasn't healed properly. 

I trust God to keep me safe, but I do worry about Josh.  Settling in and feeling like he is safe. I am not so concerned about him failing I worry about the affects on the kids and if I could do it alone.

Josh and I were not spiritually in-tune; we had not been for years. I so badly wanted to pray together, do devotions together.  I didn't want to make Josh do things he knows are a good idea.  Josh knows from years of teaching that we were not spiritually close. 

Lord, as Josh and I continue to walk this road of restoration, please guide us, lead us to stay grounded in You. Point us to the things we need to address.  Increase true intimacy. I need my husband fully decoted to You, that will help him to stay focused on the task he need to accomplish to fulfill his destiny.  I ask You to do the same for me.  Keep me focused on You, not him. Keep me surrounded by Your love. 

Our move was getting closer, and I was feeling all alone.  Josh was in agreement, but otherwise I felt very alone.  We had to do this for us.


Mrs. and Mama K said...

i have to admit i've done the alcohol thing...and it didn't work. i figured that wine was kinda gross and VERY strong for their tastebuds, but the little man liked it. oh well - you live you learn! a sip won't kill him...