Story of Hope and Restoration-Part 31

October 18, 2007, what a day!  I had to take Jael to get an x-ray of her finger. Tio and Titi had a small accident with my baby girl. Her finger had gotten smashed in the car door.  We all went for an adjustment, and then Tio got us an appointment to x-ray her finger. Titi felt so badly, and I figure it could happen to anyone.  I was thrilled to have so much family always willing to help and watch the kids, whenever. 

I cried! I couldn't go in with her.  She was only 5, and I knew she wouldn't remember. BUT I was hurting, so badly, inside.  I sent her on her way.  Being pregnant, I had to sit in the lobby with the boys.

Dinner was amazing that night. I wanted to celebrate. We went to Chili's, because I knew that this would probably be the last time before the baby came that we could all go out! I had to leave all of the kids at the table so I could use the restroom. I was so nervous leaving them all alone. BUT contractions were making me VERY uncomfortable.  Tio's adjustment was really working.

I went to church, and paced in the back almost the whole service.  Josh kept texting to see if I was o.k.  Of course, I was mildly irritated.  Forgive me, but it was a bit difficult to be thinking about the future without my husband.  He informed me of his whereabouts. Are you serious???? You REALLY thought I needed to know WHERE you were?  You REALLY thought that I should KNOW you were at a romantic spot...a spot that for the past 7 years I have ASKED to be taken?  Are you serious?  Okay, STAY CALM!! I can do this!! I REFUSE to allow Satan any victory in the birth of our baby.

A lot of prayer went into this baby's life, and I was going to find joy in every minute of it.  After church was over my contractions were pretty close together, so Josh came to the church.  He said he felt obligated to make sure I was okay. Uh, you think?  We stayed at Josh's parents house, because I was not going to be alone with him at the moment. Mom and Dad could take me the hospital; I couldn't deal with it any other way.

I kept holding off going to the hospital, waiting for people to arrive. My mom was on her way. Daja was on her way.  People were going to be around me, and I couldn't have been more thrilled.  We stopped at Tio's house on the way to the hospital to get another adjustment.  Josh was so irritated that I was taking my time.  He didn't want anything to happen to me.  Yes, that WOULD have made life a bit complicated for him, if something happened to him.  I got to the hospital in the early morning, maybe 2 am?   Dr. Monroy wasn't exactly thrilled that I had canceled both scheduled c-sections.

I, on the other hand, couldn't have been more thrilled about having my best pregnancy ever!!!  Levi was born at 5:16 am.  He was a joy!  Josh was in the room, and to say it was awkward would be putting it lightly.  I don't even know how to describe how hard that was for me. So, I won't even attempt it.

My mom stayed with me almost the entire time.  Josh was irritated about that, since he had rented a movie and bought candy for us to watch a movie together?  What? A movie together?  Had we EVER done that after the birth of our children?  Uh, no! Actually, we were so exhausted from it that we usually slept.  He was so mad!!!  He offered my mom a cookie, and she refused. That made him mad, too! Wow, we just could NOT get it right with him?  I guess we owed him something?  I threw up almost immediately after giving birth, and that continued for almost 14 hours. I was exhausted and feeling horrible. I could not wait to go home.

I knew my emotional roller coaster was not done yet.....Josh had decided to take the week off work--to help me! What? Yeah, that's what I said!

Story of Hope and Restoration-Part 30

Remember that double-minded thing I was telling you about?  Well, Josh informed me that he never fought! What? You NEVER fought?  Thought you said you tried and tried to stop yourself and God never helped? Which was it? You did or you didn't?  See the lies?  Can you believe a double-minded man? 

The world offers nothing but a spot in hell. At the least....with serving God....he offers a reward for the faithful. Satan definitely has a way with discouragement and making his lies seem like truth.  He mentioned never being happy. He was never happy in our marriage or family. I cannot imagine how the children would have felt hearing him say that! But, of course, Satan uses our mouths, and he was definitely using Josh's.  BUT, by this time, it may have stung, but I was more quickly remembering that they were ALL lies.  Plus, he was beginning to feel like he had not hurt me "that badly!"  He said that since I am so strong I can take the truth. 

The baby's birth was coming soon.....Josh wanted a birth plan. I guess, apparently, my plans had changed over the last three births.  Honestly, I was surprised. I am sure it was his way of "caring!"  I mean, he WAS trying to impress the "other woman."  She felt sorry for me, so he needed to show he cared. He really was taking an interest. Sadly, more than he had most any other pregnancy.  I tried not to focus on that, but the calls 3-4 times a day to "check" on me were excessive for him.  He never showed an interest.  I guess he was scared I might not tell him?

Story of Hope and Restoration-Part 29

God promised Josh a "way of escape,"  but he had no intention of taking it. In fact, he whined all the more about how God never helped him.  Josh felt God owed him a magic fix. If he was going to be a pastor for 7 years, then God owed him an easy answer?  Didn't know what else to say...other than....nope, doesn't work that way.

He complained about having to get married so young. He never had a chance to "sow his oats!"  Hmmm, who was youngest?  Oh, yeah, that was ME!  I gave him EVERYTHING.  I went to the movies for the first time without my mother, AFTER we were married.  I got married out of home-school!  Anyway, keeping it in check! Watching my sarcasm.  See, I told you; I was NOT perfect. 

I tried not to think of the details of Josh's infidelity. I tried not to get judgmental.  It just never seemed that he even TRIED for my sake?  He didn't want help badly enough and he still doesn't.  He never shared his struggles with anyone, even when they asked.  Fine, he didn't care about himself. Why didn't he care enough about the kids and me?

To lie to yourself and believe these women really cared was foolish.  In the face of horrible circumstances, such as this, God STILL has Josh's best interests.  Now, that's love!  With his attitude as it was I knew I had made a decision he could come home, but he was still so angry and unrepentant.  He was bitter!

Josh was a little boy who really wanted love and support, but he was using sex and alcohol to cover it up.  He may have thought he was getting what he wanted.  Satan made sure he remembered ever little hurt from childhood.  Most children would die to receive the love and care that Josh received.  BUT he didn't see it that way.  Josh was always trying to convince me that his "woman" was the best thing that ever happened to him. She was the only one who cared, and that she wanted him to pursue his dreams. None of us ever let him do what he wanted.  He told me I should be happy for him. (can you say, sick?)

Satan had taken him captive, but the Lord says he is loosing the captives. Josh went willingly, but PRODIGALS DO COME HOME!

Story of Hope and Restoration-Part 28

Josh called to check up on us, but I was emotionally spent. It seemed that when I would put a lot out and get busy I would be utterly exhausted. If I didn't have time to get in the Word it would make things even worse.  I wanted to give Josh a piece of my mind. So, please, do not think that it never crossed my mind. Oh, it did! I was always keeping myself in check. 

I was beginning to feel the stress of finances. My rent had not been paid in two months, but Josh was definitely able to fund his "outings!" Oh, and HIS rent.  I mean.....he did have to have a place to sleep.  Oh, did I mention that he bought furniture for his room and a BRAND NEW MATTRESS.  You see, this was hurtful! I had never had a real mattress. We never had the money for that, so we never got one.  We always had  hand-me-downs.  UGH! The money that was spent during this time was sinful on it's own.  Josh would often bring up my spending having been a problem over the years.  Do I like to shop? Yes!  BUT it was so hard to listen to him talking all about my problems and see him spending money like nobody's business.  I just kept quiet. I cried my tears. 

I refused to be average.  I have felt that I was always strong, but there is such a difference in standing strong and fighting a battle.  My strength was continually drained.      The realization of a "daily walk" had never been more evident in my life.  The foundation of so many things I believe seemed so irrelevant.  If you have convictions you better make sure they are convictions God has called you to, or else!

Josh and I have always said God would plan our family size; we would give it ALL to Him.  When I would think of my children during this time it was hard not to go back to this thought.  I felt such pain and responsibility for bringing four children into the world, that were not experiencing God's best for their lives.  This was NOT God's best.  What parts did I play in not providing.  I have to even more, live daily for God or I will not be giving them God's best in this situation either.  What a burden to bear! I cast all of my cares upon You.  I cannot do this alone.  Speak to me, Lord, in what you would have me to do.

October 15, 2007, I struggled with these feelings:

I knew he was coming home, because I stand for marriage.  BUT do I want him to come home? I wanted help but as time moves on I won't be 9 months pregnant.  I knew God and I could handle it.  I knew that I would be okay. I worried about becoming bitter, so often. I would ask the Lord to break me.  I didn't want to become so independent that I didn't care. I worried that I could stand for my vow, stand for never getting married. BUT could I forgive Josh fully and love him again?  Can I accept why he is, if he NEVER changes? What he did to me?

For Josh:

When will you be so sick of yourself that you will wrestle with your destiny, until you have been touched by God? When? Is this you?  May you have a heart of Jacob to wrestle with God.  Don't give up your destiny! I realize you have had a hunger and thirst.  Use what fight you have left to get what you want, do not give up!  Give Josh and eternal change of heart.  Change his heart, O God!  Change his path to one of holiness.  Touch him with Your rod....so he will go Your way. 

I cried out time after time for Josh's heart.  He needed a new one and each day he grew colder and colder.  Each day he removed himself more from God's love.