Monday, March 1, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration-Part 28

Josh called to check up on us, but I was emotionally spent. It seemed that when I would put a lot out and get busy I would be utterly exhausted. If I didn't have time to get in the Word it would make things even worse.  I wanted to give Josh a piece of my mind. So, please, do not think that it never crossed my mind. Oh, it did! I was always keeping myself in check. 

I was beginning to feel the stress of finances. My rent had not been paid in two months, but Josh was definitely able to fund his "outings!" Oh, and HIS rent.  I mean.....he did have to have a place to sleep.  Oh, did I mention that he bought furniture for his room and a BRAND NEW MATTRESS.  You see, this was hurtful! I had never had a real mattress. We never had the money for that, so we never got one.  We always had  hand-me-downs.  UGH! The money that was spent during this time was sinful on it's own.  Josh would often bring up my spending having been a problem over the years.  Do I like to shop? Yes!  BUT it was so hard to listen to him talking all about my problems and see him spending money like nobody's business.  I just kept quiet. I cried my tears. 

I refused to be average.  I have felt that I was always strong, but there is such a difference in standing strong and fighting a battle.  My strength was continually drained.      The realization of a "daily walk" had never been more evident in my life.  The foundation of so many things I believe seemed so irrelevant.  If you have convictions you better make sure they are convictions God has called you to, or else!

Josh and I have always said God would plan our family size; we would give it ALL to Him.  When I would think of my children during this time it was hard not to go back to this thought.  I felt such pain and responsibility for bringing four children into the world, that were not experiencing God's best for their lives.  This was NOT God's best.  What parts did I play in not providing.  I have to even more, live daily for God or I will not be giving them God's best in this situation either.  What a burden to bear! I cast all of my cares upon You.  I cannot do this alone.  Speak to me, Lord, in what you would have me to do.

October 15, 2007, I struggled with these feelings:

I knew he was coming home, because I stand for marriage.  BUT do I want him to come home? I wanted help but as time moves on I won't be 9 months pregnant.  I knew God and I could handle it.  I knew that I would be okay. I worried about becoming bitter, so often. I would ask the Lord to break me.  I didn't want to become so independent that I didn't care. I worried that I could stand for my vow, stand for never getting married. BUT could I forgive Josh fully and love him again?  Can I accept why he is, if he NEVER changes? What he did to me?

For Josh:

When will you be so sick of yourself that you will wrestle with your destiny, until you have been touched by God? When? Is this you?  May you have a heart of Jacob to wrestle with God.  Don't give up your destiny! I realize you have had a hunger and thirst.  Use what fight you have left to get what you want, do not give up!  Give Josh and eternal change of heart.  Change his heart, O God!  Change his path to one of holiness.  Touch him with Your he will go Your way. 

I cried out time after time for Josh's heart.  He needed a new one and each day he grew colder and colder.  Each day he removed himself more from God's love.