Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 2

Honestly, the next week or so was such a blurr. Josh had no intention of changing his behavior. My mind was reeling. How do I explain to the kids what is happening?  I stayed at Mom and Dad's for a few days, and then I went back home.  I cried a lot, of course.  BUT I still had no answers!!! 

When I got home I had a conversation with Josh about what needed to be done.  He moved out to the garage we had, and that was it.  Josh would go to work in the morning, come home, take a shower, then leave, returning home at midnight.  Sometimes he would stay for dinner, but I never planned things around him.  My life seemed so out of sorts.  Josh attended church with us, sitting on the front row.  That first Sunday I barely made it through the first song.  No one knew what was going on. We all still thought that Josh would come to his senses and things could move forward. I told my mom, that Sunday, what was happening.  I figured it was a problem that wasn't going away.  BUT no one else knew, yet.

Josh's parents got back from a cruise and I headed out the door. I told Josh's parents I was leaving and I didn't know where I was going or for how long. I told them I would definitely keep in contact.  I have never seen Mom get ready for a trip so fast! She packed everything and came along for the ride. She didn't want me going alone.  I needed to get away. So, the kids, Mom, and I headed on a road trip.  I just told them that Daddy had to work, but we would have lots of fun.  We kept the charade up, for them!  As far as they were concerned things were okay. We went to Solvang and spent the night.  We ate ice cream, and then headed to "the cousins" house.  It was so hard to figure out how things would EVER get back to making sense.

Josh called every night to check up on the kids, to bless them. He called while we were on the road...furious because I was leaving. Hey, wait a minute??? Leaving????  He was so confused; we had a few conversations that lasted hours. Blaming all of our marital issues on me seemed like the right thing to do at the time, apparently.  It truely seems like I am writing a fictional story.   

Once we got to the cousin's house we realized their church was having a big conference. I got to hear Lou Engle for the first time.  Daja's (Gana's and the cousin's) church was amazing; I really enjoyed it. Although, I cried through a lot of it.  I got to meet a few of her pastors.  We stood in the lobby and prayed fervently for Josh, praying against spirits and against the death of our marriage.  I felt so good, even hopeful.

Going home seemed like the right thing to do, so we did.  A family wedding was going to be that weekend, and I figured it was best to not let everyone know what was going on.  If we didn't show up, then everyone would know.  Well, nothing was different. I spent a lot of time talking with Josh's mom, trying to make sense of it all. 

The wedding was SO hard to attend. Listening to those vows, listening to two people pledge their love. I know that it can be FOREVER, but I wanted it to be. What was wrong? Why didn't it work for me? I explained to everyone that Josh was sorry he couldn't make it; he had work.  I could barely keep it together. Especially when Grandma gave me a hug and kiss and asked me to pass it along. 

Dad was mad; mom was confused.  How could their ONLY SON be so cold? We still followed the same routine.....Josh went to work; Josh came home; Josh took a shower, played with the kids, then he left.  Those evenings were torture.  I chatted with my mom, often. I looked online for some hope of someone who had gone through this before.  I found a website and bookmarked it, but I continued to just chat with my mom and CRY.  I had to chat, as if I talked she wouldn't understand a word I said. (since I would make no sense through my crying) 

Every weekend my mom would show up to take care of me, sit with me, cry with me. Of course, since we had always gone to lunch after church. Josh would attend church, and then we would all go to lunch.  Did any of that make any sense??? NO!!!!! 

By this time, I had finally told Josh he needed to explain to the kids what was going on.  So, he did!  He told them "Daddy is running from God!"  That was it!  I had realized it. 



Persuaded said...

God bless you honey. I have been through my own share of marital woes, and I know the kind of pain you are talking about very well. I think this sharing of your own rocky times, and the restoration of your marriage is a wonderful thing.... I'm eagerly looking forward to Part 3!

Bless you dear♥