I had to determine in my heart and express to God that no matter what it cost and how long my trial I wanted him to get the maximum glory!!
I wanted the trial to bring me into a more intimate relationship with Him, and become a more passionate lover for Jesus.
I needed him to reveal to me what he wanted to teach me, related to any causes and purposes for the fire.
Psalm 32:8 I will instruct you and teach you the way you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you.
God was never going to trust me with prominence unless I was learning to be content with obscurity. I was completely ruined for ordinary life. I would NEVER be the same.
August 22, 2007, I wrote this:
I don't know how to pray.
I don't know the words to say.
Help me, Lord, to stay
In Your presence all the way.
Give me the words I need to speak!!
My strength was gone. I asked the Lord what I was going to do if things didn't work out the way I wanted? It had already been almost two weeks! It seemed like an eternity. Little did I know how bad it was going to get.
By this point, Abishai was very depressed. I had called all of the family to pray. His behavior concerned me. He would sit in our recliner for a few hours at a time. He would tell me he was just sad about Daddy. He would ask to go to bed early or just go find a place to lie down and fall asleep. My heart was broken; I wanted to protect my baby.
Ezekiel was still too little. AND Jael was too much like her mommy....she wasn't backing down.
3 years ago
2 comments:
For those of you that are now reading this story with regularity...
Looking back, I have many regrets over this season in my life. I see and hurt for my wife and what I put her through. But, hearing seeing how this affected Abishai is one of the things that I still have a VERY hard time dealing with within myself...even after over 2 years being back home. I see in the pictures that we taken right after I came home and there is absolutely no joy in either boys eyes, but Abiahai's is clearly more visible more than Ezekiel's. I hate knowing what I had done to my son's spirit. He had lost his smile.
But, thanks be to the Awesome, Healing God that Serena and I serve! Abishai is one of the most joy-filled, active boys I know. He is the epitome of the classic boy...getting into things, breaking things, and being at the root of mischief like only a boy can do. His smile is captivating and it lights up his face. He likes nothing more than trying to rough up his daddy. And there is not much more that this daddy enjoys more than to be roughed up by his son.
Another great post, Babe. As hard as some of this has been to read, it is good that it is being written. By you writing this, it takes the power out of the enemy's hands and enables us to fight a more fierce battle together against him. Even though it stings, this is necessary for the completion of both of our healings. I love you so much! And I am incredibly proud of your courage to write...to allow friends and complete strangers alike to see through us and see the God that held us together through the storm. I am glad that you are MY virtuous wife.
I am moved by your posts, Serena. And, moved by Josh's humility in seeing this ALL THE WAY through. You two are STILL and will FOREVER MORE BE a shining example of God's TRUE love....
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