Monday, February 22, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 21

Is God okay with all the crying I do? Will my marriage begin to heal if I am still hurting? Will I be "allowed" to cry when Josh comes home? Will I have to be closed up about all of my feelings? Will I believe what Josh tells me? Will I always feel he is a liar? 

I am not sure I ever stopped writing down my questions. I knew if I shared one day I might forget what went through my mind all of the time.  I cried a lot, althought not everyone saw me. 

I was SO scared for Josh's life. As time moved on it became my number one prayer to save Josh's life. I know some people prayed that God would take him before he made to many mistakes, but I needed my husband.  I wanted him to make his life truely right with God.  I was desperate.  Many times Josh even said he was angry with God. He said if God didn't want to help him then he didn't need God. I thought through that question so many times, that it still makes no sense to me. People, God wants to help us. BUT he gave us a free will; we have choices to make.  I asked him one Sunday after church if he knew where he was going: heaven or hell.  He said, "I really don't know!"  I am sure my eyes teared up, but I also went home and cried for a LONG time. I cried out for his soul.  Most of the time, when I spoke with Josh he had a cold, blank stare.  His whole body sagged with guilt and shame. Even if he didn't recognize it, his body told the story.  He was not the same man.  He says he never lost weight but to me, he seemed so sunken.

October 4, I fasted for Josh's soul.  My children fought along side of me, putting on their armor.  It was a good thing I fasted, because it was a hard day for Abishai. He came to me and said he just keeps praying and praying and Daddy doesn't come home.  He said, "I don't think he will ever come home!" 

Lord, please keep my children in the palm of Your hand. Keep them encouraged as to hearing Your voice.  Let them know You are with them and Your hear them. Ministe to their hearts. Encourage them, like I cannot. Keep their hearts tender and true to You. 

These times were always hard for me, because I would just sob when they went to bed. I felt like such a failure. I wasn't protecting them from anything!!  How was I going to teach them?  Even if you do the right things it didn't seem to really work out. I gave Josh my first kiss; my mom approved. We just seemed to do it all right??  I didn't scream at my husband?  I satisfied his sexual needs? I understood that his eyes are prone to wandering???  AND NOW I was dealing with things I never expected?  How would I teach Jael what to do?