Saturday, February 13, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 12

Josh typically spent once a week with the kids, taking them out to eat and such. If Jael could talk Josh into coming to church they might see him more.  She was always trying to get him to come.  She sang on Wednesdays, and asked Josh to come. He said, "No!"  The tears flowed from her like I have never seen. She was heartbroken.  He wasn't coming?  I think she was finally realizing even SHE could not bring Daddy home.  As time went on they realized only God was going to do that!

Some of the odd things I have mentioned about Josh doing were things like asking me if I had firewood?  Why did he care about me having wood?  I certainly didn't want to build my own fires.  I was having a baby in less than a month!

September 20, 2007, was officially the day I let Josh go...for real!  I had hung on long enough.  He seemed more comfortable with his life.  I was having the best pregnancy I could have imagined.  The nights were long and lonely, and it was hard to see the kids adjust to Josh being gone.  They started talking about their birthdays and how they would have one with Mommy and one with Daddy.  A child should never have to think about that.  Those things made me cry even more. 

Jael asked if Daddy was running away from her, Abishai, and Ezekiel, just like God.  I reassured her that no, it was not the same. All the while screaming inside that it sure seemed the same to me, too! She wanted to know if he still loved her.  I would grin and bear the questions. 

The worst question: "Does Daddy love you, Mommy?"    I cried....Jael said, "Oh, Mom, I know Daddy loves you!"  How does a 5 year old deserve that?  Josh was angry about how fast he had to grow up. He said he was made to be old and deal with things that were difficult.  I could not deal with the fact that he was making our 5 year old do the same thing he was mad he had to do?  Oh, God; Oh, God!  Help me.