Sunday, February 28, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 27

I brought my favorite book to the other woman's house, and I left it for her. Josh knows the book.  It was hard to bring, because it was the best book (besides the Bible) that I could recommend for marriage. At the time, I felt like such a hypocrite. She told me if it had worked, then he wouldn't be gone. Well, I had to do what God told me to do. I had to pray for her marriage, too!

Josh came for dinner, and I could see the after affects of the birthday binge. BUT I had to love him even at his lowest point. He knew that I knew what he had done. YET, I said nothing.  He even said, "I know you should hate me!" When he left, he told me I looked really good this pregnancy. Yes, I did! AND he was missing out!

I prayed that the end would draw near. I knew it would end, but it didn't feel like it.  Since the pendulum swung home I was prepared for a bad day.  Josh informed me he was with someone, and he was napping that's why he didn't answer the phone when the kids called. As IF I needed to know that.  He also wanted the security password off his computer, so he could have access.  Yuck, why?  I thought everything was just fine?  I could not take responsibilty for his downhill spiral, but it was very hard to watch. 

A few days later, the clock swung back home...he came over. I went for a walk while he played with the kids. I had to go and pray.  When I got back he had put the kids to bed, and he stayed for a while. He talked all about his feelings about God and fighting. He said everyone just thinks he was always horrible. God never helped him.  He didn't feed the bad part "ALL OF THE TIME!"  It doesn't take a lot!! He felt no one ever supported his dreams. Trying to remind him of all the things I did do, seemed hopeless. Buying him tickets to conferences, song-writing retreats, keyboard, and many other things seemed dumb. I just listened.   He was deaf and blind.  He was confused. 

He said he doesn't have it in him to wait around for things to happen. Well, he may feel that way. He is going to get really scared then, all alone, with no help.  I don't know what kind of support, love, and devotion he thinks he's getting from the world? What more devotion can you get than a wife who sticks around after you are unfaithful her entire marriage as you continue to throw it in her face?

He admitted he was sinning; he admitted it was fun.  He said he doesn't care about the shame? Oh, God, help him. Someday.....I believed it was all a front, too! His bottom lip would quiver, just a bit, a sign that he did FEEL something.  I believed he was ashamed, even if he couldn't admit it. He wanted me to move on, to stop caring.  He wanted it to be easier on him, and I wasn't making it easy for him!!  He wanted to know how I could be so nice, when he was so mean?

Sin is only pleasurable for a season. Satan would hand Josh a bill sooner or later. I just prayed that bill would not be too high!