Friday, February 26, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 25

Am I in denial? Does he just tolerate me because I am the mother of his children? Why would he invite me to his birthday? Does he maybe love me, still? Does he feel any guilt? Does he miss my eyes? Does he miss my smile? Does he miss my laugh? Does he miss my cooking? Does he miss my touch? Was everything we shared a lie? Did he ever love me?  The questions never seemed to end...........neither did the prayers!

Lord, break the binds that hold Josh captive. Remove the blinders from his eyes. Unplug his ears. May no relationship outside of a restored, right relationship with You, bring peace and satisfaction.  In You, he will be obedient and in You he will find his way home. Thank you, Lord, for the husband you have given me and the father you have made him. Let Josh see You in a new way. May he come to his senses. 

Josh would call me and give me updates on his police application. He asked me to find addresses and referrals and papers he might need? I often got looks from people!  Why not make him do it himself?  Well, I was his wife.  As much as it hurt to say, "yes...I will do that for you"....I had to!  He stopped calling me, Babe, at this point.  It was so bitter-sweet.   He called to talk with me for 25 minutes about his test for the police job; he called 3 times, since I didn't answer the other times. I had to have been the first person he called.  It seemed to me I was getting through to him that I cared, no matter how hurtful he was to me. AND even if he wouldn't admit it...he knew I was the only one who REALLY cared.

Then, he called to talk to me about selling our car.  He figured if it was just the kids and me, then we could deal with something smaller.  We only had 4, so we didn't need a bigger one.  He often said small things like this that could break my heart. It hurt to see him making plans.  When I got the kid's pictures taken he asked if he could please get 8x10s of them for HIS wall. He did these things on purpose, knowing they would hurt.