Friday, February 12, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 11

Daja wanted me to know that God spoke to her and said, "bear their shame!"  She asked God exactly what that meant, crying out for an answer.  She received it, and because of the Lord's leading, (and Gana's approval)  she cut her hair off.  It was so short; I cried and cried.  My family cared so much, and Josh cared so little. In fact, we didn't even tell Josh she did it.  When he found out, he was irritated.  He thought it was stupid. 

A double-minded man is unstable in all of his ways.  Josh was so two-sided; he didn't care and yet the part of him that was still attached to me (his own flesh) could not easily separate himself.  For months, he continued to call me, Babe!  As I became more stable in my emotions and seeing God work I was better able to deal with all of these things.  God lead me to, and it answered so many questions for me. 

I was continually being taught by God how to let go.  In the beginning, I would hack into Josh's e-mail account and delete e-mails he received from people. I was trying to protect him, trying to keep him from getting into more trouble.  The funny thing was...he lied to me constantly about how happy he was; how this was the best relationship he could have ever asked for.  If that was true, why still look? 

Satan knew my weakness and he used Josh to manipulate me. I constantly tried to remember this. Since Abishai, especially, had gotten so bad I finally told Josh he could not see Abishai for a period of time.  I just needed Abishai to get better. So, he wasn't allowed to call and talk to them for a while. It was too hard on them, every time speaking to them would cause crying.  I had to spend hours comforting them and then answering questions about why he wasn't coming home.  

It ended up being 2 weeks, and it didn't seem to make a big difference in Abishai's behavior, so I figured he should see his Daddy.  Papa spent lots of time with the boys, wrestling with them and trying to keep them focused on playing.  Jael had not seen her Daddy for 3 weeks, as she stayed with the Gombojav's for a week.  She had the time of her life. I tried to give them something to do other than focusing on the negative. 

After that time, Josh asked if he could seem them, I agreed. He spent 30 minutes. I could not even believe it. Only 30 minutes?  What happened to my husband?  I learned to cope with these times thinking of the pendulum on a clock. As Josh swung closer to home where he ought to be it would have to swing back, further away. Someday it would swing home for the last time.  I believed it.