Thursday, February 4, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 3

I am not sure exactly how to write this because there is SO much, but I am going to keep writing....and I guess you will keep reading.

Looking over my journals is somewhat heart-breaking and yet encouraging. God really was my ALL. 

Some of the things I write will be EXACTLY how I wrote them in my journal, just to give you a sense of what I was feeling and HOW I cried out to Him.

I believed the purpose and plan for Josh's life was so great that this bondage HAD to be be public in order for it to be BROKEN once and for all.  This cannot be broken by anything other than true intimacy with God and then Josh could walk in His calling. 

Josh lacked the true FEAR OF GOD. 

I chose not to give up or stand down.  This was MY family.  I thought it took me longer to "get there!" BUT apparently, I made my decision early on in the ordeal--to stick with Josh. 

I hung onto God's Word like it was my only hope....(shouldn't it always be that way?)

Isaiah 25:8 He will swallow up death in victory: and the Lord God will wipe away my tears from my face: and the rebuke of His people shall he take away from off all the earth: for the Lord hath spoken it. 

Deciding I would remain fighting no matter how tired led me to even tell my mother that no matter HOW bad it got, always remind me that I made a decision to FIGHT and NEVER give up.  It's so much easier to make that decision when it's just beginning then to figure out HOW to make that decision later.  I never once turned my back on my decision. 

For those who think I didn't deal with all of the resentments and frustrations I did...I wrote them down, and then I gave them to God.  AND then I might write them again the next day.

Here were a few at the BEGINNING of my journey:

How could he say he loves me?
How do you do this and make deliberate choices not to change--saying that you still love and care?
Sinning and not repenting is a true act of hatred?  Why?

I am a good wife; how do you throw that away?
He knew I would be here, so he just walked away!
He knows his children will be raised well, because of me....that's so UNFAIR!

I am scared for his life, and I resent the fact that he doesn't have to deal with the pain of losing the one you love. The pain of questions and hurting from our children?  Why??

See, when Josh moved to the garage he kept saying he would only be sinning like this for a while; he would come back someday. He still cared?  How do you even BEGIN to make sense of that or not be angry?  How do you hang onto what God called you to do and not feel like you are being walked all over?