Thursday, March 4, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration-Part 32

I went home from the hospital in less than two days. Josh's family had the children, and I was so anxious to see them.  The church was having their monthly family movie night.  We decided to stop there first, to watch the movie.  When I arrived Josh happened to be there.  He informed me that he wasn't staying for the whole thing; he had plans.  I couldn't do it. I was screaming inside, so I walked out.  I was an emotional wreck, to say the least. I felt like I was at square one on the outside.  Barely keeping it together seemed to be how I felt with all of those pregnancy hormones added to my already frazzled feelings.

Friends called me to let me know that they saw Josh.  They wanted to know if I knew what was going on, and if I knew that people saw "them" together!  It got very difficult the more time that passed. Josh made things so public. I was so afraid of the kids finding out.

Josh coming to the house to help was so wrong?  He had written my mom an e-mail right after Levi was born, stating that we all needed to accept that he would never return home as my husband.  He said he needed to receive from God what he asked for years ago.  He had no feelings for me anymore, because he checked. He "tested" to see if he had any feelings while I was at the hospital.  Oh, yeah, the hospital that I gave birth to HIS son in, the one I puked my guts out in.  Yeah, that's a great place to see if you have feelings for someone.  It was so childish to read his thoughts.

I wore Josh's wedding ring around my neck, because one day he came by the house and gave it to me. He wanted me to know he wasn't coming home, so I could have it.  I wanted so badly to take it off. He knew I wore it.  Did he deserve to know I still cared? Yes, if I was going to remain soft!  Those few weeks after birth are always tough emotionally, so I just had to remain calm on the outside. Ask God to guard my words.

Lord, please help me to feel the pain and keep the right attitude. If I hurt, I know that bitterness is not taking root. I am not getting too cold. You are my Comforter. Keep resentment and bitterness far from me--for it's so easy to slip into the flesh and feel that this is going to be "forever!"  I stand on Your promises.  You are working on my behalf, even when I don't feel it or see it!