Keeping my attitude right was a constant battle for me. I had to make sure that things Josh did, which had nothing to do with him leaving did not make me mad. My lawn still wasn't mowed, this was after two months. His junk was all over; the mattress pad he bought for them was left on the table as a constant reminder for almost 2 weeks. He had a pile of things to go to the garage, things from while he was gone.
I was so glad my mom had come for a visit; Josh thought because he was home that he was officially meeting my needs again. He really had no idea? The snapping at me for every little thing was so overwhelming at times. Working on being available and no being as cold as I felt was something God worked on with me, DAILY! God helped me, and reminded me that someone like Josh...broken could not help anyone.
Josh wanted me to know how badly he felt for the other woman, since her husband was just not there for her. She had to empty her own trash; her husband was always busy, working. She was neglected emotionally. It never crossed his mind how he treated me. It just shows how sick a person can get, in
justifying their behavior.
God wanted us together; I knew it. Satan still used Josh to speak death, constantly. When he had a bad day he would still tell me how he wished he had just met her before me. And, yes, friends, this was after a week of being home. I wondered if this would ever feel right again.
The kids were doing a bit better now, not as much crying. We kept a good attitude in front of them; Josh was pretty good at pretending. I am not sure they saw the same changes I did; Josh never asked how my day was or what we did. All of those texts I got when he was gone were completely non-existent now; I was more disconnected than before.
3 years ago
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