Saturday, March 20, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 52

Preliminary testing for the police academy was in Santa Maria, so we drove together, as a family!  Did Josh remember what it was like to have ALL of us?  Having a big family can cause lots of unwanted stresses, but that's life. I loved it; he used to.....did he still?

Romans 4:21  And being fully persuaded that what he had promised; He was able to perform. I said it...OVER AND OVER.  I said it when I found out he went to her house, AGAIN. I said it when he went by her work to drop off a bottle of wine.  I said it when he called her.  I said it when he e-mailed her. I said it when I asked him NOT read her response.....oh, God, what had I done!!  Was it YOU that asked me to do this? 

2 Corinthians 10:5 "EVERY thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ!"  I had to work on this constently.  All of the questions: Was they good cooks? Were they REALLY better women? Were they really that good in bed? Were they skinny? Were they good moms? 

Josh came home because it was right, not because of me.  He continually commented on ways I could be like her, and he would rather be having fun with her. He wanted to plan her birthday.  He wished he could go out.  He talked about how we couldn't get pregnant again, since it was an accident with Levi?  I hated hearing him talk like the world!  Those were lies.  He agreed that he hurt me, but I don't think he saw how badly or how deeply.  Having him back made me not want to fight! Yes, I fought for 3 months but having him home made it feel worse!  What was I going to do?

Josh wanted us to move on, to talk about when he would get his ministry back, how to move forward and grow closer?  He wanted to talk about it now, but he didn't want to do anything about it.  He kept his second cell phone; he took his computer to work with him, still, and he still spent time on the phone with "friends!" 

As he moved more of his things back to the house it seemed more permanent, but I was still so hurt.  He didn't want me to meet his landlords, because he had said we were getting a divorce. It made no sense to them, since Josh was so wonderful....I must not be worth it?  He told them he was going to give it another try.  Wow...what a journey.  It was SO far from being over!!!

Lord, I need You!