Saturday, March 27, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 58

Money was a problem; so much of Josh's lifestyle had racked up a lot of bills. Subscriptions had to be canceled, and I was faced with seeing more an more of the things he had done.  He wasn't completely repentant of the things he had done. He was sorry for hurting me. (sometimes)  BUT he was happy about and glad he got to experience this for himself.  He had no deep regret; I prayed for "someday!" Silently taking it all in and writing in my journal was the only way to cope with the sorrow my heart felt.  Brokeness, Lord, I pray for brokeness at the thought of hurting You! 

Josh called me, out of the blue, to ask me to pray with him.  I am so glad he was reaching out. It was a glimpse of how weak he was, and his complete lack of self-control.  It was hard to fight someone else's spiritual battles, but I was so glad that he was actually trying to fight and not alone! 

Lord, give Josh a hunger and a burden to spend time with You and in Your Word. Lord, You will lead him through this when he seeks Your face. Convict his heart to allow others to set some boundreies where THEY feel it's necessary.  Allow others to help align his compass. 

Wanting boundries, oh, yes, I did! Wanting him to stop looking on Craig's list.  I wasn't going to beg to protect him, but I do wish he wanted it.  He wanted protection, but he wanted it his way.  He didn't want other people's wisdom.  I had to acknowledge things were gradually getting better, at least liveable.

I had to give it all I had, never give up, never let up.  Deliverance comes through abodeience and the fight is never won through halfheartedness.  I must fight...UNTIL!! 

The Lord still worked on my pride, too!  Would I embrace the Lord's visitation in humility as much as in power?  Feasting on God's Word was the only way I continued in my journey. 

Questions of ministry and the steps he needed to take to reclaim his position caused my heart to ache.  It was only 2 weeks; why did he think it would be that easy?  Why was it even a question?  In fact, didn't he say he hated ministry?  Didn't he say he was "made" to be a pastor?  Oh, yes, I still replayed the lies in my head; I knew the truth. I wondered during these times if he even remebered his own words?