Saturday, March 6, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration-Part 35

Josh had not given up on applying for the police position in our town, so the police were checking his background.  I was so torn on what to say. I wanted God's best for josh, and I do not want to be in the way. Maybe I wouldn't have to say anything.  I really prayed that if they called I would be able to hear God speak to me about what to say. 

Levi was over a week old now, and Josh didn't ask about him at all.  He did want to know how I make dump cake though?  He wanted to tell "someone" how to make it, since he wanted some.  Was  that like...I can have all my favorite thing, and I don't need you to do it for me?  Very hard that he enjoyed hurting my feelings whenever he pleased? He gave no thought at all to how I felt. 

Ezekiel's 2nd birthday was spent as a family. Josh wanted to go to Big Bubba's, and he wanted ALL OF US to go.  I barely looked at him, but may I say......I was looking GOOD!  Yes, Levi was only 9 days old, but I looked VERY nice.  Josh's mom was more and more frustrated. She wanted it to be done.  Didn't we all? Everyone's emotions ranged from passivity to anger.  Josh ordered a Margarita for dinner.  That was hard for me, as I knew he was going out later.  He seemed to feel no pain?

When I wanted him to feel lonely or hurt I realized I wanted him to feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit, not the holiday or loneliness to change him.  The farther he gets from God--the more cold he seems to get towards all of us.  It's been over two months since he has played music.

My prayer was for me:

Cleanse me, Lord, from my doubt and unbelief.  You have promised me in Your Word that anything I ask, according to Your will You would do it.  I ask You, Lord, to heal the wounds that have been caused by this tragedy.  I ask You, Lord, to send Your Holy Spirit to minister to my heart.  Please give the children an extra measure of Your love. Please cover Levi with a blanket of love, knowing the he starts his life with You as His Father; I find comfort in that.  Lord, You will bring Josh home in Your timing.  Your Holy Spirit will bring brokenness and repentance.  Josh will come to his senses and ask for Your help--taking back control from the devil.  Be with us tonight, Lord, comforting and teaching me how to stand in You, alone.