Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 45

November 8, 2007, I called Josh and apologized to him for the times where I was unresponsive and unavailable to him sexually.  I told him that I may not remember them as well as he does, but that's because they didn't affect me like they did him.  I never felt that I was unavailable, but if he felt that I was, then I was truely sorry.  He forgave me.  He said I was the most confusing woman he knew. He said I was was making it very diffficult on him with how to deal with him. 

Yes!!! I do think that's funny; it wasn't my intention.  I didn't actually want to speak to him at all.  It's very hard for me to admit I had anything to do with our marriage problems.  I did know for sure that I had to fill the voids in my life with God, not other things.  I prayed that Josh would have no peace with his decisions until he allowed God to fill the voids in his life. 

Satan was on the attack; I think he saw Josh wavering. The SAME day that this phone call happened I saw Josh kissing in the parking lot. My heart sank like you cannot imagine. All the children were with me, but thankfully their eyes were blinded to it. They never saw him. 

Our FIRST kiss was on our wedding day, how did he do this? I mean, obviously, I knew...but to SEE it! I could hardly catch my breath.  By this time Josh knew that he looked bad in my eyes, but he was still a little disturbed about the realities of his children thinking that he wasn't their hero. 

I didn't even cry when I saw him.  I was so scared!!!  Had I given up? 

Josh knew I saw him, and he had to know how it would make me feel.  As far as he was concerned, though, by evening it should all be forgotten. On with more police paperwork. My mind, however, could not get over the $75 in flowers he had bought from her. My rent wasn't paid. Was this his way of showing me that if I got flowers he was going to make sure he bought some too?  He had flowers delivered!  In 8 years of marriage he had never had flowers delivered to me? 

No matter how wonderful she made him feel how could he do this? What happened to his promise to me? It didn't matter if he made the biggest mistake of his life by marrying me; you don't get to change your mind? 

This is why I knew Josh had to get it right with God.  He decided that God didn't matter, so if God didn't matter how can a marriage vow you made to God matter?