Sunday, March 7, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration-Part 38

I continued to learn how to stay in God's presence once it had been "ushered" in, not just be satisfies that his presence showed up but really resting in WHO He is.  I saw Josh tonight; he was parking in front of "her" house!  It was Halloween.  It was hard; it was the first time I had seen him there. It's hard being faced with it, even when you know it happens.  He mentioned being broken-hearted over his decisions.  How did I not see it? It didn't seem that way to me? Was he getting closer or was it the "God-part" that was still alive?   He celebrated Halloween....I was so upset! Why? I have no cheat on your wife; you sleep with another man's big of a deal is celebrating Halloween?  I would try to put it all into perspective. 

A hungry hear inside a man with an unbowed head (mind) and an unbroken (unsubmitted) will is recipe for misery. 

He HAD to be miserable.  My Dad would remind me that no matter how much Josh did in the world he KNEW what was right. My Dad said Josh was definitely miserable.  I remember the day I shared with my Dad what was going on; it took me a long time. I didn't want to face my childhood hurts, and I knew when I told my dad it would be brought up.  Josh was acting EXACTLY like my dad.  I had to wait until I could handle my own emotions.  When I was ready it was the best timing. It was God's timing. Emotionally I was better able to share my story, and I talked for over an hour. My Dad was comforting, and he was ready and willing to be where I needed him.  I didn't want him to come, but I really feel that he helped me understand that Josh was NOT happy, no matter how many lies he might tell. 

On the rare occasion that he didn't talk to the children he would get really upset and accuse me of keeping them from him.  I am not sure he realized the amount of work that I had to do to keep their hopes alive and I was the one who prayed over their attitudes towards him, when they were mad.  It was a handful of time that he didn't get to talk with them, and that day he SAW them.  I refused to engage him in a fight over it.  The more I backed down from him, the more irritated he got.

He was not happy about not knowing every detail of our lives. Going out with four children didn't seem to keep me at home all of the time, like he assumed.  I could have fun and have friends without him.  I got flowers from someone and he didn't know who gave them to me. He was visibly upset. 


Tamera - aka TJ said...

Just curious on your flowers. :) HUGE SMILES!