Monday, March 8, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 39

Satan wanted Josh deceived, so he felt GREAT! He got support from perfect strangers. People who had nothing invested in him. To say I didn't want him feeling miserable would be a lie; I had those days, and I hated it.   

I had mixed feelings on Josh getting this police job, but I never wanted him to blame me for not getting the job.  I, of course, wanted him to do something he loved.  He was just confused on what that was; I don't think he knew what he loved.  Struggling with how things would be when he came home seemed like something to keep my mind occupied; did I want him landscaping? Was it safe to have that much free time?  BUT was he a fit for a job that should be someone with integrity?  The investigator never did call me back. He was fine with my explanation that I would rather NOT be invovled unless absolutely necessary. I wanted them to make there decision aside from my comments.  I didn't know this man.  He didn't care about anything but himself.

It was almost three months; the kids and I felt like it was forever.  They did still hope that "tomorrow" would be "the day!"   BUT they also lived for their next dinner with Daddy. 

The kids needed some clothes and shoes, and I needed to get dog food. My $100 a week was not covering everything, so I called Josh.  He gave me the credit card he got; yes, the card that he used to pay for his liefestyle.  I bought the kids some winter pajamas, as the house WAS a bit chilly. BUT I wasn't about to admit it.  When I returned the card I remembered to thank him and appreciate his hard work on providing for his family.  Ohh, was that EVER hard. I just wanted to scream.  BUT I needed to appreciate the good qualities, and this WAS one of them.  I think it through him off guard.  He slipped as we said good-bye...."I'll see you later, when I get off!"  He looked at me and said, "I guess I'll talk to you later!"   His eyes told a different story for a moment!  He DID feel something. God WAS working; it might have only been for an instant.  God let me see it!

This situation was impossible to man, but it was impossible 12 weeks ago, too! So, it's still impossible.  NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD!!  The more hopeless things felt the more I knew that God was right there. 

After that slip it caused my mind to whirl....does Josh think life is good for us?  Does he think we are okay without him?  Does he realize that a kiss over the phone for the kids might be enough to make him happy, but they are hurt?  Does he want to fix this? Is he too pridefuly to come back right now or is he still having more "fun" sinning and hurting his family? 

Those thoughts would overwhelm me and God would remind me that even the little things would bring "home" back to Josh's memory.  Any form he would fill out in the future would bring his family back to his mind.  If I remained calm in God, then he would only have good things to think about. I would NOT give him anything to justify his behavior.


Tamera - aka TJ said...

Just encouraging you. You're doing great, and I can't wait until the book comes out. I want an autographed copy. :)