Saturday, March 6, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration-Part 36

My first Sunday alone with the four children was emotional but God got me through.  I was no longer "Lady Serena," and I felt so lonely.  Dealing with friends was never easy. Everyone saw me as so strong, but my heart ached.  Josh said only Christians judged, but it seemed to me that non-Christians did, too! In fact, they had little respect for him.  How could I keep people from hating him?  I didn't want this! 

Josh's lifestyle was affecting everything around me. He called to warn me about a "scare" he had, making sure I was safe.  Did he really want me out there alone?  He wanted to make sure I knew I could call him if I needed help?  Why did he assume I went out anyway?  Did he really think I was lowering my standards to his?  Did he want me to be like him? Maybe he just wanted justification?  I didn't tell him where I was when he called or how often? I think it bothered him that I wasn't pregnant anymore.....and looking good! 

I didn't preach at him anymore, so maybe he thought my opinions were changing?  He liked dancing and drinking and staying out late.  Did I think all of those things were wrong? No, but his choices made them wrong! 

I was looking "hot!"  AND my husband was missing out! I was not going to put myself out there, but Josh has to know that he had left me out there to be approached.  He was one UNHAPPY guy when he found out I was approached!!

The church decided to have a staff meeting, and I was included. Jael was so excited, because she thought Josh might go.  It never made sense when the kids would think those things, but I reminded myself that I must be doing a good job protecting them from how bad things were with Josh.  They called him for their blessing and asked when they could eat dinner with him again.  She started crying and Josh got mad at her. He told her top stop crying, that he wasn't coming home. She tried, and then she told him she understood that he couldn't talk for long.  She acted so grown up, not wanting him to be upset with her about her crying.  I cried.  As soon as she hung up the phone she started bawling.  I held her for a long time.  She said, "I guess all I can do is pray!"  "I guess so!"