Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 54

It's been a few days; the Lord has really been dealing with me. It's hard to write this part of the story, almost harder than the previous. Maybe because some of this seems unbearable to think of telling someone to "deal with!"  How do you counsel someone to stay in a marriage that seems that it's going no where?  The Lord has lead me to finish telling the story; it needs to be written. AND you need to know some of how bad it got, so that you can REALLY see how GOD can take something seemingly dead and raise it back to life. 

Wanting Josh to be accountable was something I so badly wanted, but it wasn't going to happen because of my own doing. He lied to everyone anyway, so why would I put him in a position to lie?  The pride that had so engulfed Josh was still very evident, in fact, he almost took pride in how strong of a Christian he had "helped" me to become?  We were all so strong, and he helped us get there?  The pride was sickening. 

Josh never took in to account my feelings on our sexual relationship, in fact, he could only think about himself, in this aspect.  AND because I had purposed to be his wife in any area, I gave it to God.  His mind was so distorted, but I knew I had to be there for him.  He had no problem with lusting after me, and it felt so wrong.  He had no desire to make me happy, no desire to win my heart back.  My heart was so wounded; my feelings for him were NOT the same. Many days he left for work without even a kiss; he just left.  BUT I promised God I would be in this FOREVER.   I felt hopeless, however, and I needed God more than ever.

Josh's idea of reconciliation was really just doing it his own way; he said he knew what it would take. He agreed to no contact with the other woman, but it didn't matter that somehow phone calls, e-mails, or an occasional stop at her work to drop a bottle of wine creeped in.  I felt we were going no-where.  I got on the phone to all of the family; we just needed to pray, like he wasn't home, yet!  It was really that bad. 

He continually battled feelings for her, and sometimes thought it would be a good idea to share them with me. Talking about how cute their kids would have been seemed to get brought up frequently, but I think I was just numb to it.  I felt bitterness creeping in, and I was drained and exhausted. I felt I was carrying a huge load, and I was so tired.  The bitterness was taking it's toll, because I felt I couldn't cope with him constantly.  If it felt bad before it felt worse now. 

Prayer was the only thing that was going to change this thing; both of these people were so sick. They said they didn't want to keep it going, but they did.  These bonds had to be broken!!  Josh needed to start making a daily choice. 

November 20th, Josh asked me on a date.  My mom was coming for a visit, and we thought it would be good to go out.  One of Josh's clients had given him a gift certificate for us to use, and he had saved it. (yes, saved it for us)  We made an agreement to NOT talk about the mess while were out.  It was pleasant enough.  Baby steps....