Thursday, March 25, 2010

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 56

A day of thanksgiving: Thank you, Lord, for bringing my miracle home.  The birth of my dream took time; the road to recovery has lots of bumps.  BUT I have my husband home, may I never forget that this is my dream.  Babies are never independent, first off.  Thank you, Lord, for Your continual strength that allows me to make this journey without falling apart.  I wish Josh could see how weak I feel.  My heart, Lord, You are my lover. My loneliness is only decreased in You.  I feel so disconnected from Josh.  My day will come, Lord.  This is only a season and You see it complete.  Lord, continue to be my husband; my guide; may You conitnue to erase my fears. Allow me to be the lover that Josh needs; may he see Your love throuhg me.  May he learn to lean on You by watching me lean on You.  Thank you, Lord, for what You have done with brining life back into my dead marriage.  The years that Satan has stolen; God, You are restoring.  You are the God of restoration!! 

Psalm 130: Wait on the Lord!
Psalm 130: 8  And He sall redeem Israel from all his iniquities. 

Some days felt so good, like we made progress.  Josh felt he was doing better, but, of course, I worried he was just hiding his feelings. He had done this so many times, since he knew the "process" as well as I did.  His computer and second phone were still with him, everyday.  I just knew that some things would have to be given up in order for progress to REALLY happen. 

Josh told me I was priority, all along.  Yes, he believed that lie.  I sometimes felt like quitting; he told me I needed to work on being more sexy, more available.  Wow!  I mean, really?  Some days I felt we took MORE steps backwards.  I was continually being informed of things I needed to change, in order to make sure this never happened again.  Was I the one at fault here? 

Reminding myself that I needed to leave an example for the kids kept me going.  I can show them how to love like Christ loves, but I did pray that someday they would see a wonderful, ideal, loving marriage, too! None of this was ever what I expected. 

Being submissive and helpful and supportive were all things I could do, but I didn't have any desire to worry about Josh making his own mistakes.  He needed to make his decision and lead; I would follow.  The desire to be his "Holy Spirit" was gone.  I almost felt like I didn't care.  I felt horrible feeling this way about the love of my life, the man I cared so much about.  I cared about his soul, but I didn't care to work about making him happy.  He never noticed when I did try.  I worried about getting pregnant again; did I want more children with this man?  Did I want the risk of being left alone with more children? 

God continually worked on my heart, answering all of my questions.  The size of my family was NOT for me to decide. And my marriage was in God's hands, this wasn't new.  My feelings for Josh were a continual battle, but they were temporary.  Allowing God to keep me soft was so painful.  Worrying about being left alone was only the devil causing fear.


Tamera - aka TJ said...

I totally understand this hurting to the point of not even caring or WANTING to care anymore. It's so worth it when I finally prayed asking God to soften my heart toward my husband again. It took vulnerability and me opening myself to even MORE hurt, for God to work. It was through the hurt, that God healed. But I had to allow myself to hurt again.
Having to be dependent on not just God, but your husband is hard. But we trust God, and HE does a marvelous miracle.